Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Epic SURRENDER Post of Epicness

Today, I have the pleasure of hosting my friend and fellow bacon fiend Elana Johnson, whose book SURRENDER came out on Tuesday. I have one thing to say about SURRENDER--I loved POSSESSION...but this one's even better. Like, holy crapsticks levels of awesomeness. Burn the dinner levels of awesomeness.

The food, I will make you burn it.

You get the point.

Now, Elana and I decided to do something a little different with this post, because we are insane. So we co-wrote this. It's the most fun I've ever had writing a blog post. Leave a comment to be entered to win a bunch of awesome signed second books, and then head on over to Elana's blog for lots more chances to win!

And without further ado....I give you an epic battle of snark...between the Hoff and Adam Lambert.


So you’re lost in the world of SURRENDER. It’s dark. There are strange noises buzzing overhead—the sound of hoverboards. Silver buildings tower, and then wide stretches of green space leave you exposed. You feel like someone’s poking around inside your mind—because they are. There’s a wall around the city of Freedom, and a body of water so wide you know you’ll collapse before you can swim across it.

You can’t escape.

An alarm sounds just as you round a corner—and see two people waiting to guide you through the perils of Freedom.

 David Hasselhoff...

and Adam Lambert.

Which would you choose to lead you through the world of SURRENDER? Here’s some information to help you decide.

Adam: My hair is so wickedly cool that no one will stop to stare at that, um, beaver (points to the Hoff’s head) hairdo. The less people looking at us, the better, trust me. My guyliner alone is enough to make anyone who looks our way duck their head and scurry along.

I also wear this super-sharp pinkie file ring, and Thinkers bleed just as much as the rest of us… Just sayin’.

The Hoff: Don’t call me Beaver Hair, Prettyface McSparklepants! They love my hair in Germany.

Oh yeah. The guide thing. Of course you should pick me. No way are you going to make it through the city unnoticed by the Thinkers. I’ll get crowned Miss Badlands before that happens. We’ll stir up the populace with our cult of personality! And our singing skills! And our chest hair! And then we’ll escape in all the confusion. Those Thinkers won’t know WHAT to think.

Adam: Germany? This ain’t Germany, my friend.

The Hoff: Sparkle sparkle blah blah blah. I can’t hear you; your clothes are too loud.

Questions Adam and the Hoff have answered to help you make your decision:
1. How fast can you run?
Adam: My leather pants look like wheels when I can run so fast. Blurred like wheels. And my hair still looks good when I arrive.

The Hoff: This dude has it all wrong; anybody can run fast. And leather pants CHAFE. Do you plan to stop mid-chase to apply ointment? I can run in SLOW MOTION. It’s an essential skill that adds tension to chase scenes, especially if you’re wearing a bathing suit. But don’t worry. I’ve got that part covered. Or uncovered, if you get what I’m sayin’.

2. Do you need a map or do you have the city memorized?
The Hoff: Who do you think I am, Dora? The Hoff needs no map. The Hoff has a GPS the size of a car. Actually, it is a car. Who needs hoverboards when you have KITT?

Adam: No car needed here. I have a map of Freedom tattooed on my chest and back—which is hairless, unlike some people I know.

3. What special equipment do you have to aid the escape?
Adam: Guyliner (instantly altering our appearance—we’ll blend easier), leather (we can suck on it for nutrients if it comes to that), loads of jewelry (flashes under lights—can blind anyone chasing us), and a voice that can bring the masses to their knees. In this world, you totally need a great voice—and I have that.

The Hoff: Well, I have cheeseburgers. Protein’s essential for muscle growth and fighting off bad guys. And my car is a robot! How cool is that? KITT is impervious to mind control AND there are cup holders. We don’t want to get dehydrated while evading pursuit during a high speed chase. Don’t worry; KITT can drive itself so we can taunt the bad guys out the window while we hydrate and eat our burgers.

And will somebody tell me what guyliner is so I can make fun of him for it?

4. Why should I pick you over your opponent? What’s their greatest weakness?
The Hoff: I have chest hair that’s tougher than this guy.

In fact, my chest hair challenges him to a duel. That’s right, people. MY CHEST HAIR CAN TALK. AND IT IS CALLING YOU OUT, ADAM CAMEMBERT OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.

Adam: I see your chest hair challenge and raise you four rings.

I doubt you’d even know how to put this thing on, Mr. I-Run-In-Slow-Motion-And-Dazzle-People-With-My-Chest-Hair. If all you’ve got is an 80s robot car and chest hair, you won’t make it ten inches—unless you can get your chest hair to uncurl. It’ll probably stretch that far.

So. Who would you pick to lead you through the world of SURRENDER?


Your survival depends on one of these two people! Who do you pick? Leave a comment below to be entered to win, and uber, mega, bacony thanks to Elana for stopping by!


Rebecca Hipworth said...

Thank you for the giveaway. :)

This post made me laugh and that picture of the Hoff...


Rebecca Hipworth said...

Ohhh and I'd pick Adam Lambert. The Hoff's chest hair is just a bit TOO much! Lol. :)

Daisy Carter said...

I'll take the cheeseburgers. Hoff's right - leather chafes like a mother.


Liesel K. Hill said...

This is hysterical. Any way I can navigate this world by myself? :D

New follower, by the way!

Nicole Zoltack said...

LMAO What an awesome post! I would definitely go with Adam.

Matthew MacNish said...

Just don't burn the bacon.

Kayeleen Hamblin said...

I'd pick Adam, I think. He's enough of a distraction that we could throw him behind us and make a run for it.

Lea said...

Well, I'm half-German, so I'll have to pick Mr Hair, right? ;)
Thank you for the laugh!!

Peggy Eddleman said...

Hahaha! This was hilarious! Um... I'll pick Adam Lambert. Anyone who isn't afraid to show up in public looking like that must not be afraid of anything. ;)

Jenny S. Morris said...

Dude, I'm choosing The Hoff ALL THE WAY. Come on, just look at that banana hammock.And he does have a point about running in slow mo. It comes in handy.

Miriam Forster said...

Hoooooly cow.

I was totally on the Adam Lambert side (because that first picture of The Hoff made me cringe) but then you brought up KITT!


So...I pick KITT and DH can come along for the ride. :)

Elana Johnson said...

I seriously can't stop laughing. My family is giving me strange looks. This is HILARIOUS. Carrie is all kinds of awesome.

Fionna Love♥ said...

Oh Geez...
Hoff scares me D:
I pick Adam♥(:

Natalie Aguirre said...

So funny. And bacon got into Elana's two guest posts today.

Christi Goddard said...

I would totally pick Adam of course.

Daniela said...

I'm all for Adam Lambert, Hoff scares me.

Nore said...

Adam for sure, Hoff is creepy xD

Riv Re said...

Sorry Hoff, but between my tone-deafness and his crooning, we should be able to stop anyone who stands against us.

Absolutely LOVED this.

~Riv Re
Riv Reads

Amanda said...

Ha! That was too funny!!!
I'd pick Adam. XD

molly.frenzel said...

That was hilarious! I go with the Hoff. Seriously...he does have KITT and what can I say, I like cheeseburgers.


Vivien said...

Adam...only because The Hoff is just not for me.

Veray said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Veray said...

LOL!!!! That is just tooooo funny!!!!

ansindt said...

LOL..Great post! Made me laugh=)

Unknown said...

Oh my god XD
awesome post! that picture of the Hoff made me laugh so much XDD

Ryan said...

Definitely Adam. With eye make-up like that, you know he doesn't take any crap.

Kaity said...

Adam Lambert, hands down! :D

shadowkatt2011 [at] aim [dot] com

Tiny T said...

I was leaning towards Adam, buuuut then you mentioned KITT.... And well, I just have to go with the Hoff awesomeness. :)