Friday, November 7, 2008

I'm Funky Strong

I need a theme song. This is a vital and urgent need, because I now have a personal trainer. I will fit into the cute pre-twin pants if it kills me which, knowing my personal trainer, it might. See, she's a friend of mine. And she's exactly my kind of person: she can talk smack like nobody. Smack makes me laugh. Smack aimed at me makes me laugh harder, because I start to feel uncomfortable when people take me seriously. I don't quite know what to do with that. But ask me to put both legs behind my head and laugh at me when I fall on my nose and can't get up. That'll put me right at ease.

It's kind of like when the twins were born. And no, there will be no describing of the gooshy stuff here, so please turn your TMI alarm off. Anyway, when they were born, I was living in Snot City (which is Carriespeak for: I had a really bad head cold). And they put me flat on my back with two very large babies squishing all my innards in alphabetical order, and then they paralyzed me from the chestal area on down. And I kept having to cough, only all I could manage was this wussy little HEH HEH HEH sound. So Slayer starts doing Zoolander impressions.

HEH HEH HEH. I think I got the black lung, pop. HEH HEH HEH.

And I started to giggle uncontrollably. It was the birth of my children, and there I am in hysterics, and not out of intense emotion or pain. It was all about the Zoolander.

Now, I'm not having babies this time, but I'm trying to avoid the completely inappropriate hysterics from here on out, and Personal Trainer is the sort of person who could get me horking and snarfing big time. So I've decided to distract myself with an inspirational training theme song. At first, I thought maybe I'd use something from Pat Benatar, like this lyric: "Put up your dukes, let's get down to it!" Which sounds very inspirational except that I'm not training to be Rocky. And besides, I still remember one of my fourth grade classmates used to constantly sing "Hit me with your wet snot!" and that's ick.

So then I thought of using Queen: "Scaramouch scaramouch will you do the fandango?" But I don't know what that means.

Or maybe a little Michael Jackson: "Showin' how funky strong is your fight!" Because after all that exercise, I will be funky strong. I'll be effin funky strong.

Sadly enough, "Beat It" by Michael Jackson is the current frontrunner for the Carriemotto, Exercise Version. Unless you've got any better ideas? Because I'm thinking that if I show up at the gym with one glove on, people might think I'm strange. Although it would give my trainer plenty of material for taking some serious smack, so maybe I'll do it anyway.

21 comments:

Brenda said...

well...you can always get Richard Simmons, dancing to the oldies...I hear that's a hoot...grin...

what about:

Baby Got Back - Six Mix A Lot
Pump it Up - Elvis Costello
Scream if You Wanna Go Faster - Geri Halliwell
Hey Mama - Black Eyed Peas

Good luck with the workout...I always hire myself as my training...we really enjoy "watching" those exercise tapes while eating chocolate ice cream...grin...

Hanna Banana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hanna Banana said...

How about "Can't Touch This"?

Mine is "Anything But Ordinary"

Jamie Eyberg said...

Oddly enough I started using my wife's treadmill yesterday. All I could think of was 'Giving Up' by Linkin Park.

Rachel Hawkins said...

I've sung the praises of it on my blog, so I have to throw "You're The Best" from Karate Kid in the mix. I mean, it's a song about how you KICK ASS AT EVERYTHING YOU ATTEMPT TO DO. And it just keeps repeating, "You're the beeeeeessst!" How can that not feel inspirational? Plus you can do like I do and use it as background music for things other than exercise, such as laundry or vaccuuming. Really makes chores feel all epic. ;)

Lady Glamis said...

Wow, a personal trainer. I'm super-jealous!

"Beat It" is a great song, but the Weird Al version is even better. :)
"Eat it" - would be great for taking your mind off of food while you're training.

Or not.

Tabitha said...

Okay, all these songs are now stuck in my head. I'm not sure how all of them are playing at once, but they are. :)

As for suggesting a song, I have no clue. My head is too noisy right now, but if I think of anything later, I'll be back.

Tiny T said...

Hmm.... The Boondock Saints theme song :)

Or what about from Transformers - Second to none (has a great beat)

Or if you just want to have a laugh, Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.... For some reason I had that song playing in my head while reading your blog.

Skilli said...

Well there's the "Ooompa Loompa" song and the carol of "Brave Brave Sir Robin" to inspire you, or how about the collected works of Michael Jackson which is being sold exclusively in Japan?


But I'd have to suggest 'Let Love in" by the Goo Goo Dolls. It fits.

K.C. Shaw said...

How about "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister? You can shout the lyrics and they sound just as good as if you'd sung them, and if you get too worked up you can throw something and no one will wonder why. Because you're singing Twisted Sister, that's why!

Natalie L. Sin said...

I fart on Zoolander. Get yourself a copy of SuperModel with Ronald Cheng, it's wonderful.

Carrie Harris said...

I'm going to make a medley of all of these songs, and THAT is going to be my theme song. It will be called "We're not gonna take mama back faster because she's the best and she's not giving up."

I could maybe streamline it a little.

slhastings said...

What about a little Marky Mark?
Some Good Vibrations...

And I'm a merman! A merman!

Hanna Banana said...

I've got Super Freak streaming through my mind now ;)

adrienne said...

My husband cracked me up during labor, too. The pain was unimaginable and still I giggle when I think about it.

I'm thinking Baby Got Back. Now I see Brenda said that - so I second it. Good luck with the workouts!

Kelly said...

Put on some legwarmers and turn up "Let's Get Physical" by Olivia Newton John!

Headstrong by Trapt?
Scream by Avenged Sevenfold?
Send the Pain Below by Chevelle?
Pain by Three Days Grace?
Sexyback by Justin Timberlake!
I do like the Baby Got Back suggestion!
(sorry, can't help it, I love me tunes..)

sruble said...

Happy Happy Birthday!!!!!!!

Good luck with the trainer and picking your song! (BTW, theme somg from Rocky would be good, or eye of the tiger, also Rocky, but a kick a** song ... never mind ;)

p.s. I've fallen off the Le Ouch Le Wagon, but I'll be back on again next week, so we can compare the fun of it all.

slhastings said...

Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday!

Skilli said...

Btw, Happy B-day to my one of my favorite writer chicks! I hope you have a great day.

Suzanne Casamento said...

The Theme from Saturday Night Fever is on repeat in my brain. Think about it, if you could master John Travolta's badass strut, you'd feel superhot - even without the trainer.

Solvang Sherrie said...

I was watching The Osbournes (and laughing hysterically) while I was in labor with my daughter. So how about "Crazy Train" for Ozzy? Or "Iron Man" since you'll be pumping iron, right?

Am I dating myself as an 80s metalhead here?