I'm Funky Strong

I need a theme song. This is a vital and urgent need, because I now have a personal trainer. I will fit into the cute pre-twin pants if it kills me which, knowing my personal trainer, it might. See, she's a friend of mine. And she's exactly my kind of person: she can talk smack like nobody. Smack makes me laugh. Smack aimed at me makes me laugh harder, because I start to feel uncomfortable when people take me seriously. I don't quite know what to do with that. But ask me to put both legs behind my head and laugh at me when I fall on my nose and can't get up. That'll put me right at ease.

It's kind of like when the twins were born. And no, there will be no describing of the gooshy stuff here, so please turn your TMI alarm off. Anyway, when they were born, I was living in Snot City (which is Carriespeak for: I had a really bad head cold). And they put me flat on my back with two very large babies squishing all my innards in alphabetical order, and then they paralyzed me from the chestal area on down. And I kept having to cough, only all I could manage was this wussy little HEH HEH HEH sound. So Slayer starts doing Zoolander impressions.

HEH HEH HEH. I think I got the black lung, pop. HEH HEH HEH.

And I started to giggle uncontrollably. It was the birth of my children, and there I am in hysterics, and not out of intense emotion or pain. It was all about the Zoolander.

Now, I'm not having babies this time, but I'm trying to avoid the completely inappropriate hysterics from here on out, and Personal Trainer is the sort of person who could get me horking and snarfing big time. So I've decided to distract myself with an inspirational training theme song. At first, I thought maybe I'd use something from Pat Benatar, like this lyric: "Put up your dukes, let's get down to it!" Which sounds very inspirational except that I'm not training to be Rocky. And besides, I still remember one of my fourth grade classmates used to constantly sing "Hit me with your wet snot!" and that's ick.

So then I thought of using Queen: "Scaramouch scaramouch will you do the fandango?" But I don't know what that means.

Or maybe a little Michael Jackson: "Showin' how funky strong is your fight!" Because after all that exercise, I will be funky strong. I'll be effin funky strong.

Sadly enough, "Beat It" by Michael Jackson is the current frontrunner for the Carriemotto, Exercise Version. Unless you've got any better ideas? Because I'm thinking that if I show up at the gym with one glove on, people might think I'm strange. Although it would give my trainer plenty of material for taking some serious smack, so maybe I'll do it anyway.