Monday, December 8, 2008

Let the Mental Scarring Commence

I got a compliment yesterday that mentally scarred me.

See, I was at The Gym, aka that place of torture, aka, the place where I go work out in the back of the room so I can laugh at everyone else's posture and the one guy who reads out loud to himself while he walks on the treadmill. And after I did my working out and laughing at everyone else working out, I took a shower. And lo, it was fabulous. No one was yelling, "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" at me. No one was playing in the toilet, and if they were, it wasn't my toilet so it wasn't my problem. No one was peeing on the wall outside the shower, or if they were, it wasn't my wall either. I took a whole shower all by myself, and it was everything I thought it could be.

After that, I got dressed and went up to the Big Mirror. I need the Big Mirror because I have Big Hair. It's thick and goes about halfway down my back, because I secretly worry that someone might lock me in a tower some day, and I might need to let down my hair so Slayer can climb up it and rescue me. Only I got sick of sitting on it, so I cut it, which means that it better be a freaking short tower, or Slayer's going to need some stilts.

I don't dry my hair, because that arduous process takes about 45 minutes, and really, it's going to be long and wavy no matter what I do so I might as well not waste 45 minutes brandishing a hair dryer at my head, trying to convince my hair to do anything other than the long and wavy thing. It was cold outside, and hairsicles are not my idea of fun, so I decided to put it up. Which necessitated using the Big Mirror.

With such Big Hair, it takes a lot of work to get it all up, so there I am, doing my backbends to get it all in one big handful, and this woman comes up to the Big Mirror and says, "You go, girl!" And I laugh a little, because that's what you're supposed to do when someone catches you doing embarrassing contortions in front of the mirror and trying to tame your hair. And then she says, "You have really pretty hair."

So I turn around to thank her, because hey, I'll take all the compliments I can get.

And she was wearing no pants.

Completely dressed on the top, but no pants. No underwear. But for some whacked out reason, she had her shoes and socks on. I very carefully kept my eyes at the neck level and higher, and she proceeded to talk to me about how she wanted to grow her hair out long too, and did I get headaches, and all of that stuff.

But all I kept thinking was "no pants! no pants!" I was so tempted to ask her if she'd forgotten them, but I was a little afraid of how she'd respond.

27 comments:

Big Plain V said...

We could form a commitee. We could research and debate and role-play and do forecasts and predictions.

But in the end, there simply wouldn't be an adequate response.

keri mikulski :) said...

Yikes. :)

Rachel Hawkins said...

This makes me snorfle, not only b/c of the NO PANTS, but because I too regard the gym shower as a holy and beautiful thing. I bought special, awesome-smelling shampoo and everything, just for the gym, so that I could fully bask in the pleasure of taking an uninterrupted shower. Ah, Mommy Life...

K. M. Walton said...

The gym locker room is a bizarre place. Nowhere else on the planet would someone feel it was perfectly acceptable to speak to you either naked or pantless. Maybe a brothel, but, alas, I've never been.

Kidless showers and car rides are a thing of beauty.

Marcia said...

Weird -- given the setting, not so much the no pants, I guess, but the fact that she seemed otherwise dressed and ready to go.

Ooooh, I envy you your hair. A thousand years ago when I was in college, I had hair to my waist. My daughter wore her thick hair very long growing up, but the day she shut it in the car door she got it cut up to mid-back. :)

Jamie Eyberg said...

Man am I missing out. Not only does my hair dry before I even get out of the shower but I don't have a gym within 40 miles of me.

Vivi Alden said...

Eek! You encountered "chatty naked lady". Every locker room has one. I just don't get that! If I'm going to converse with someone, especially someone I don't know, I make sure I have my pants on!!

Tiny T said...

Oh dear.... I hope she didn't walk out of the locker room without pants.

I love my long hair, but sometimes I really consider cutting it. Like Marcia's daughter, I have caught it in the car door way too many times. Rolled on it and have had it stepped on. Yep. Not pleasant when doing techniques.

Flor Larios Art said...

weird ha! How did you manage to keep looking up LOL

adrienne said...

When she said "You go girl," are you sure she wasn't talking to herself?

Kelly said...

OMG! Did you tell her she was SO going to make your next blog!?
My hair takes forever to dry, too. I usually let it air dry as I'm a stay at home mom and don't need to look professional. I don't even let my hair stylist blow it dry, but on cold days she does insist to dry it up a bit so I don't freeze!

Lady Glamis said...

I am simply scarred from reading about your scarring adventure.

*SHUDDERS*

What is wrong with people??????

And I used to have really long hair for the same reason, then I cut it. It's now shorter than my hubby's. He has long, curly brown hair to his shoulders. I envy his hair, which is weird.

Just_Me said...

Oh, golly! Usually the chatty naked person is my 3 yr old who doesn't believe clothes are necessary for proper social interaction.

PJ Hoover said...

Yikes! I think there is such a thing as being too comfortable with yourself :)

Bryan B. said...

Goodness...I hate to even tell this story, but...

So, I'm in the gym doing what's expected - eyes to the front and forgetting about any kind of chatting. But, I've got to sit on the bench to put my shoes on. So, I'm sitting there and this dude comes walking in from working out. I never noticed him before, but this would make for the last time he was anonymous.

Like I said, I'm all minding my own business when this dude walks up all close to me. And then he drops trou.

Now, I played fooball - so, I'm used to people with little inhibitions about what's actually decent and appropriate. But, this dude took it to a whole new level.

Because homeboy was wearing a thong.

No, really. A freakin' man thong. So, now every time I see this dude I throw up a little bit in my mouth.

Tabitha said...

Well, maybe...or possibly...hmm... Nope, I've got nothing. That's just beyond weird.

As to the kidless showers, I actually get those most mornings, but it's because I'm up before anyone else is. If I don't get up that early, I won't get a shower. And that's just gross. :)

Carrie Harris said...

BPV: Um... who exactly will be role-playing the pantsless lady? Because it's not me.

Keri: I second that yikes. :)

Rachel: Oooh. That's a good idea. I need to get me some locker room shower shwag.

KM: I think it's a good thing that you've never been to a brothel. Maybe that's just me.

Marcia: Exactly! I've run into garden-variety naked ladies before, but she had on makeup and jewelry. Just NO PANTS. Somehow, that was the most disturbing part of it all.

Jamie: It's okay. I don't think they'd let you in the women's locker room anyway. ;)

Vivi: Yeah, but like I said to Marcia, chatty naked ladies aren't so bad. At least they're consistent. This was like a multiple personality lady, and one personality was a nudist.

Tiny T: Yeah, I was thinking about cutting my hair yesterday. Mentioned it to Slayer and everything.

Flor Larios: Supreme act of will. I'm serious. ;)

Adrienne: You know, I hadn't thought of that. Sad but true.

Kelly: Nope, but I saw her again today. (Wearing pants but no shirt this time.) And the whole time, I was thinking about the blog and giggling to myself. Which probably made people think I was as weird as she is.

Glamis: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to invite you into my personal hell without warning you first. :)

Just Me: Oh, my five-year-old can't get out of the naked dance phase, so I'm right there with you. We've got some primo video of him doing the naked butt dance to Billy Idol. He will hate us some day.

PJ: Yep. And that woman crossed that line a long LONG time ago.

Bryan: A man thong? Is there an abbreviation for that? Like a mong or something?

Tabitha: See, I'm the lone night owl in a house full of morning people. Everyone gets up somewhere around 6 or 6:30. And there's no way I'm getting up before that, even for a shower.

Catherine J Gardner said...

OMG!

Perhaps she was hitting on you. :)

slhastings said...

I stopped going to a gym once because a woman worked out in nylons, the regular kind, on the inner thigh machine. Um, with nothing on under them.

Even though she also wore a t-shirt, the experience scarred me.

Natalie L. Sin said...

*sorts* I maintain that penises are more distracting. But in a good way.

Aaron Polson said...

Um...I'm totally freaked out when some random naked dude approaches me in the gym locker room.

My rule: no talking while naked.

Solvang Sherrie said...

I asked my son the other day if he had to choose a super power, would he pick x-ray vision or reading minds.

He said reading minds, unless he could turn off the x-ray vision, because there are a lot of people he just never wants to see naked.

I'm guessing you'd make the same choice?

Carrie Harris said...

Cate: Ugh. Now I'm going to think of that every time I see her. I wonder what it is about me that says I'd go for the no pants approach. ;)

slhastings: Double UGH! I can understand the scarring. She's probably the sister of no pants lady.

Natalie: Well, that's true. Although I don't particularly want to see one in a women's locker room.

Aaron: So if you happen to be naked, and you want to tell something to someone who's allowed to see you naked, like your wife, do you just point and grunt?

Sherrie: Yeah, except that you'd have to be able to turn it off. Because I'm sure there are people thinking things I don't want to hear.

Brenda said...

You have such an exciting life...grin...

Maybe she knew you were missing your children, so she decided to go pantless and be the one playing in the toilet and peeing on the wall while you were enjoying your shower...grin...

Jim Danielson said...

I'm at a loss for witty comment.......

Carrie Harris said...

Brenda: Ah! So she was doing me a favor. I can appreciate that; now if only it were true.

Jim: Join the club, man. Join the club. ;)

sruble said...

There's a reason why I haven't renewed my gym membership. I thought it was because I'm lazy. Turns out it's because I don't want to run into the no pants people.