Twilight Parody - Beware the Scout with the Afro

I'm pleased to say that we are almost done with the Twilight parody. That's right: the Twilarity is almost complete. Now that I'm nigh-done with the parody, I have a title.

This makes me think that I should start coming up with titles for the New Moon parody that will follow. What do you all think? New Spoon? New Swoon? Newt Room? (If you've read me long enough, you will know that 'Newt Room' gives me all kinds of silly ideas. Most of which are probably too ludicrous for anyone but me.) Maybe New Pool would work.

Heh. New Pool.

Anyway, since I'm going on vacation, I thought I'd leave you with a nice installation of the Twilight parody. I've also set up a couple of funny things to post at various times during the week, just because I think y'all deserve some laughs while I'm gone.

Really, I AM a public service.

So, without further ado, allow me to present the 10th edition of the Twilight parody:

Edition 10: Beware the Scout with the Afro

The merpire bowling was going well, except for the part where Mett bowled a particularly aggressive strike and tore one of the Slip N Slides in half. There was a short break in the game during which they tried to fix it with duct tape, because all theater people know that duct tape will in fact fix anything, and merpires are naturals when it comes to theater.

Really, merpires and theater go together like peanut butter and jelly, only there are baby pools involved. The merpire version of 'The Slosh Menagerie' is made of awesome.

But just as Ellba placed the final strip of sparkly silver tape (sparkle sparkle sparkle) onto the slick plastic, Ali gasped.

"What?" demanded Ward, his fins coming to instant attention. "What do you see, Ali?"

"It's... a scout!" exclaimed Ali.

Quickly, the merpires all gathered in a small circle around Ellba. Ward encircled her in his cold, slimy arms. She was scared, but part of her wanted to stay there forever.

The scout appeared at the end of the clearing. He didn't look so menacing. For one thing, he had an afro, and really, the only time that afros are menacing is when they're armor-plated. A girl trailed him with a huge antenna in her hands, she was waving it this way and that in a vain attempt to get him cell phone reception.

"There you are!" exclaimed the scout, dropping the phone and clasping his hands in overdone excitement. "Wait. Wait just a minute. I see a new face in the crowd!" He looked directly at Ellba, and she shrunk under the weight of his gaze.

"She's not interested, Jermaine," said Ward coldly.

"I thought we told you to leave our family alone," added Carl.

"Aw, come on, guys. I keep telling you that a merpire act would be the bomb! What can she do? What do you do, honey? Acrobatics? Origami? Do you get into a baby pool and sing "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang?" Jermaine started to caper around the clearing, singing: "Cell-a-brate good times, come on! Slosh! Slosh! Slosh-slosh-slosh-slosh!"

While he was distracted, Ward began to pull Ellba back toward the cars, and eventually he threw her over his shoulder and sprinted for safety, shoving her into the front seat and nearly strangling her with the seat belt.

"What's wrong with him?" said Ellba. "He didn't seem that bad."

"He's a talent scout," Ward snarled. "He wants to take you out for lunch."

"Meaning I'll be the lunch?" gasped Ellba. "But he's so ugly! If anyone's going to devour me, I want it to be you. Not some afroed freak!"

"Don't worry," said Ward. "I'm getting you out of here. No one will doom my girl to an eternity of singing bad 80s music in a baby pool on stage. Not while I'm here to save her."

"But couldn't you... you know, like bite him or something?"

"It's not that easy," murmured Ward, slamming the car into gear and speeding away. "His afro? It's armor-plated."