Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Semi-Secret and Not Very Original Twilight Diary of Carlyle Cullen


If you missed the first two editions of the Semi-Secret and Not Very Original Diaries, you can read Edward Cullen here and Bella Swan here. Looks like I'm going to have to cave and make a new sidebar. Either that or cave and get an actual website where I can link all these things and decorate with pictures of severed feet.

That comment really did make sense, even though you may not realize it. I did write a zombie book, after all.

But in the meantime, please allow me to present...

The Semi-Secret and Not Very Original Twilight Diary
of Carlyle Cullen

Day 1: Meh meh meh mehmehmeh meh meh. (Translation: Was turned into vampire by the Volturi, and they gave me this neat journal as a parting gift. Kewl!)

Day 5: Meh meh meh meh? (Translation: Why is it other vampires sparkle & look sexy, while I look like giant marshmallow with bad toupee?)

Day 8: Meh meh meh mehmeh?!? (Translation: And why do people keep calling me Beaker? What is a Beaker and can I eat it?)

Day 10: Meh meh meh, mehmehmeh meh-meh meh. (Translation: Sick of Italian scene. Swarthy guys w/scary chest hair & medallions making fun of my wig. Going to look for soulmate. Covering wig w/pointy hat.)

Day 156: Meh meh meh meh. (Translation: Soulmate difficult to find. 'Want to see my pointy hat trick?' not v. effective as pickup line.)

Day 15,476: Meh. (Translation: Meh.)

Day 64,397: Meh meh meh meh hawt meh meh. (Translation: Met lovely girl who thinks toupee is hawt. Threw away pointy hat. Turned her into vampire. Is twue wuv.)

Day 64,398: Meh meh MEHMEH! (Translation: She called me Beaker! What the hell is Beaker? Bet he's a vampire and more sparkly than me.)

Day 69,900: Meh meh meh meh meh mehmehmeh. (Translation: Decided to start randomly embracing cute teens to distract from Beakerness. By embrace, mean turn into vampire. Tried plain old embrace and nearly got arrested. Got away when they grabbed toupee by mistake. Now am bald. Maybe will reduce Beakerness.)

Day 73,210: Meh meh meh meh. (Translation: Edward met new girl. Am excited. This one looks less like roast than past girlfriends. Has not called me Beaker once. Think he should marry her.)

Day 73,245: Meh meh meh mehmehmeh. (Translation: Invited E's new girlfriend over in hopes of shaving her head and making new wig. Unfortunately, vampiric hairdressers too intimidating, started big fight at baseball game. The things I go through in quest for good hair.)

Day 73,287: Meh MEH! Meh meh meh meh mehmeh meh-meh meh. (Translation: Have had it w/ Beaker references! Threw away stupid toupee and have decided to wear walrus on head from now on. Told nurses is ancient tribal medicine.)

Day 73,288: Meh meh meh meh meh? (Translation: Why does E's girlfriend keep looking at walrus on head and licking her lips? And why is she wearing that post-it?)


Jamie Eyberg said...

Why is she wearing that post-it? Love it.

Natalie Whipple said...

Walrus tribal headgear is way hotter than a toupee. Excellent choice.

Mariah Irvin said...

I would never call Carlyle Beaker because, honestly, Beaker is waaaaay cooler.

Kelly Polark said...

Meh, meh, meh.


*goes to see who this "beaker" is carlyle speaks of.*

ha. haha. ha.

okay, i'll give you that one. :) i do love peter fascinelli (spelling?) but man that makeup makes me want to scream!

(p.s. I've already read them, but the links to your Bella & Edward posts do not appear to be visible for others.)

and lol at the post-it. genius, i tell you. genius.

K.C. Shaw said...

I'm obviously missing the joke now because I haven't actually read Twilight or seen the movie (I just make fun of it). But now I envision Carlyle Cullen as a puffy bald Beaker, which is actually really awesome.

Anonymous said...

Day 73,289

Meh Meh mehmehmeh meh Holy Night (Translation: I'm going to tuck Richard Simmons doll into the manger and sing O Holy Night)

So awesome!!