More Photo Suggestions

My author photo is today, so I've been thinking about this a lot. And here are some more words of wisdom about how to make your author photo-or any photo-totally awesomesauce.

An interesting hairstyle draws attention to your face.It also frightens away random sea creatures.

The only people who look good naked and lying in flowers are BABIES. Don't do this.

When all else fails, do something random. Why rest your elbow on a stack of books when you could recline in a bathtub full of Cheetos?

You can never go wrong with a Twilight rip-off.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Christopher Walken Singing Lady Gaga

I'm on a Walken kick lately. This video is so funny that I cried.



How're you? Besides having a renewed faith in the world after watching that awesomeness, of course.

June Contest Winners

You people are funny. I think you should title all my books from here on out. Because I suck at titles.

Anyway, the one drawback, as always, to your mad skilz is that it makes it really hard for me to choose a winner. But I've done it. Whee! As you may recall, this month we get two winners because I skipped May by mistake. So first, my favorite imaginary sequel title:

THE FOREST OF CHICKEN LEGS AND WINGS by Carolyn V!

I can hear the clucking of the Unconsecrated already...

And then there's the random drawing. The gods of Random.org have smiled upon:

Myrna Foster!

And really, Dwarf Demented sounds like something I'd like to read. I'm just sayin'.

So, ladies, you've won an hour of my time! Let's talk via email and find out what I can do for you. And thanks to everyone for entering. I laughed out loud at your entries more than once.

5 Wishes

Universe, I don't want much out of life. Just five little things:

1. I admit that I have a lot of fun putting on my facial glop and then peeling it off like one of those aliens from V. And yes, I make crazy alien noises when I do it, and yes, my kids scream, "Mommy's weird!" That does NOT mean that I would like to have my face peeling off from sunburn for my author photos next week.
   
2. Good news is awesome! I love good news! However, if you're going to give me random happy things and not let me show them to anyone, I start going all wonky in the head. I need more patience, or even better, I'll just take carte blanche to say whatever I want.
   
3. Can you make me rich so I can hire a lackey to blow into my laptop? It's the only way to keep it from overheating. (Yes, I realize if I was rich I could just buy a new laptop, but I'd rather have a lackey laptop blower. Wouldn't you?)
   
4. It would be even kewler if Richard Simmons were my laptop blower. I'm just sayin.
   
5. Oh, and if I could have a few more entries for the sequel title contest, it would make me happy, because I like giving stuff to people.

What would you wish for?

My Forthcoming Titles

I've been thinking a lot about titles lately, for one simple reason. I suck at them.

(You, however, do NOT suck at them! Your entries to the pretend sequel title contest are hilarious! If thou hasn't entered, get thee hence and do it! I'm giving away two prizes: one for the funniest and one that's completely random. Yowza.)

Anyway, I realized that I have a title generator right at my fingertips, one that focuses on areas of my expertise. From here on out, I'm naming my books based on Google searches that lead people to my blog. Here are some of my forthcoming titles:

• The Katie Couric Clone and the Superpower Generator
  
• Words to Express Excitement...and Zombies
  
• Sweating to the Zombies
  
• Carrie Harris and the Award Thank You Speech

Wouldn't you read those? And what does your website stat counter say you should name YOUR next book?

The Year of Give Backery - June Contest!

Hello! Nice to see you! Well, not "see" you exactly, because that would imply that I'd hacked your computer and was watching you through your webcam. And that would be creepy, right? Unless I was a sparkly vampire and you were a klutzy teenager with a latent deathwish, in which case it would be KEWL.

Anyway. For all you new people (Hi again! I was kidding about the webcam thing, 'kay?), I'd like to tell you about the Year of Give Backery. See, last year was very good for me. Sold first book, blazingly happy in general...essentially I've become one of those really annoying happy people. Sometimes I have to resist the urge to punch myself.

But in an effort to spread the love, I started running a contest each month. Yay contest! I kinda missed May, so this month I'll be giving out TWO prezzies. Whee!

What do you need to do? Simplemente. We're making up pretend sequel titles, and the sillier the better. For example, there's the little-known sequel to THIRTEEN REASONS WHY: Another Tearjerker That Will Destroy the Rainforests but Raise Kleenex Stock. Tell me the book you're sequeling and the sequel title. Leave it in the comments. Go you!

The contest will close Sunday, June 6th at noon EST, and I'll post the winners on Monday. I'll give one prize away to the person who makes me laugh the hardest. The other prize will be TOTALLY RANDOM. Feel free to enter as many titles as you want.

So what's the prize? I'm giving away an hour of my time to each lucky winner. In an hour, I can do a lot of different things, like:

• Critique 10 pages of your WIP.
  
• Go through two rounds of revisions on a query letter.
  
• Brainstorm with you on a new project.
  
• Talk to you about having a writing career.
  
• Send you 50 weird YouTube videos.
  
• Discuss zombocalypse survival methods.
  
• SOMETHING ELSE OF YOUR CHOOSING (subject to approval, of course, because I don't feel like getting arrested).

Have I forgotten anything rulesy? Let me know. Otherwise, get cracking with those little-known sequels!

Things That Make Me Snarf - Cooking with Christopher Walken

You should read this next paragraph in a quasi-musical singsong. I say "quasi" because I REALLY can't sing (and you know this firsthand if you've seen my music video).

I'm sunburnt. Sunburnt. So freaking sunburnt. And I am an idiot because my author pics are soon.

You'll have to excuse me. I have to go contort into impossible shapes trying to get aloe onto the middle of my back. Someone needs to invent a middle-of-the-back aloe squirter. Get on that, will you?

In the meantime, please enjoy this impression of Christopher Walken cooking chicken. As with all good Christopher Walken impressions, this one has a little bad language in it.