Friday, September 12, 2008

Superpower Roulette


I'm trying to decide what kind of superpower I want, because my birthday is coming up in a couple of months and it never hurts to be prepared. Unfortunately, most of the powers out there are made for people who think football is exciting. Personally, I can't get that excited over a ball, because hey, it's something you throw and catch and while that's kinda fun every once in a while it's not something that's going to make me tear my clothes off and go running down the street. Or tear my clothes off and go to a naked party either.

But seriously? Super strength. Super speed. Lightning fast reflexes. Sure, they'd be nice if I couldn't have anything else, but really what fun things can I use them for? I'd never be late to pick up son from the school, and I could carry my twins down to the bus stop with my pinkies, which would make me a big hit at parties, but I'm already a big hit at parties. I can put both of my legs behind my head.

Although I don't do that party trick any more since I did it one time, overbalanced, and fell flat on my nose. I ended up stuck there like an overturned turtle. I was the hit of that party for all the wrong reasons.

Part of me wants something more creative, and part of me just wants to fly. I used to take pilot's lessons way back in the day, because I saw Top Gun one time too many and wanted to be a fighter pilot. Never mind that back in said day, girls weren't allowed to be fighter pilots; I wanted it anyway. So I started taking classes to get my pilot's license. And during the first lesson, my instructor says, "Pull up."

So I did.

And he says, "Pull up some more."

So I did.

This is the part where the plane TURNED OFF. As in, the engines shut off and we start falling out of the sky. This, my friends, is bad. This is what not to do. Falling out of the sky is bad. I read it in my pilot's training book.

So there I am, completely and utterly panicked, and the instructor turns to me and says, "So the lesson here is that you should never pull back that far." And he's giving me this long drawn out lecture about air flow and automatic shut off and all this stuff, but all I'm doing is staring out the window at the ground, because it's getting BIGGER, and that too is bad.

Finally, he shows me how to recover from a stall, and then he makes me climb up in altitude and do it all over again, and it's all I can do to keep from ralphing all over the place.

Maybe I'd better go ahead with the flying thing just in case that ever happens to me again. Although if someone ever tells me to "pull up," I don't care what they're talking about. I'm not doing it.

20 comments:

Jamie Eyberg said...

Great story. i think my super power would be superior sarcasm. The ability to put down people without them even knowing it.

PJ Hoover said...

I have the identical flying lessons story!!!!! Too funny!
Not sure what super power I'd want, but now I have something to think about.
Because you know, my mind was running out of thoughts.

C.R. Evers said...

I have exactly what you need. Go to the link provided below, and you will be assigned a super power by the Super Power Generator.

Let me know what it is! :0)

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/5759/

Catherine J Gardner said...

YAY! I'd vote for flying or being able to transport yourself anywhere on Earth with the blink of an eye.

Carrie Harris said...

Jamie: So what's your superhero name, then? Sarcasman? LOL!

PJ: You do? There's another sadistic bastard out there who does this to other people? I'm stunned, dismayed, and amused all at the same time.

C.R.: Uh... according to that generator, I can turn into smoke and forest critters, and I know Harry Potter. Weird.

Catherine: Oooh. Teleportation is cool. You could come to Michigan and get pelted with candy at parades. ;)

Caryn said...

LOL! Hilarious.

My super power of choice? Flying. Hands-down. Even though I'm afraid of heights. Maybe if I could fly, I wouldn't be. Plus I'd make good time and see some great scenery while doing it. Oh, and you'd probably get pretty good mpg at the rate gas prices are rising. Hmmm. Or maybe flying burns a lot of calories, in which case it'd be great exercise. Either way, bring it on.

Laini Taylor said...

First of all, flying small planes is for crazy people who want to crash into houses and kill families who are on vacation. Oh yeah, and die a fiery death in the process -- but only after long minutes of terror and fog and losing control of the plane, etc. That is what I think. It seems like every week there is such a story on the news: small aircraft crashes into vacation house. Four children killed. Ugh. Small planes FREAK ME OUT.

As for super powers, I have such a boring lame super power dream: to be able to freeze time, just for me, so I can do more art and more writing and no one will know I really spent a year on a particular manuscript (because they were, you know, frozen), they'll just think I'm a genius fast writer. Isn't that pathetic? The key would be in the fine print: must not age during those frozen periods!

Carrie Harris said...

Caryn, I have this hilarious image of a superhero exercise program. Although if regular people wear tights to exercise, what do superheroes wear? :)

Laini, I'm sorry, but I have to veto that power, because you would make the rest of us look bad! Unless you'd like to share it with me in which case I think it's a fabulous idea. Snarf.

Marcia said...

I'm not sure what superpower I want, but I read you because you're funny. Great blog! :)

Mary said...

Crikey!

As for choosing a super-power, I’d like to have extra time. At the flick of a switch, I’d speed up as the world slows down.

I see Laini wants that too. :)

Brenda said...

I want whatever super power can make my butt smaller...I could be...Buttbegonewoman...my suit would be made of heavy duty black spandex...(black makes you look smaller you know)...

Or I would be like Wonder Woman - hopefully looking that good in a bathing suit and I could become invisible...

Either way...my butt disappears...grin..

Carrie Harris said...

Marcia, THANKS! Although I have to ask: am I super funny? ;)

And I understand the allure, Mary. But like I said, only if it doesn't make me look bad. Because I ALREADY know writers whose output puts me to shame!

Buttbegonewoman. I cannot stop laughing at that.

Stephanie Perkins said...

Since Laini already claimed my superpower, now I must think of something new and clever. Drat.

Okay, I'd take any of these:

- Invisibility: So customers wouldn't bother me at work, but I'd still be on the clock.

- The ability to turn water into wine: A tad Biblical but an awesome party trick.

- Super-hotness: So I'd be, you know, super hot. Is that shallow??

(Love your blog! Found you via Laini.)

Ghost Girl said...

LOL! Love this! What a lesson—Yikes!

I once created the super hero Tantrum Tamer. Shewas well equipped to handle any toddler terror or kiddie crisis you could throw at her. Ah...to dream...

I think now, I might choose invisibility. or maybe it would be more like psychic substitution. My body would still be there, but I could check out and do my own thing on another plane of existence...no matter how loud and unruly the kids got!

Carrie Harris said...

Stephanie, just so long as you don't end up with invisible super hotness, because that would just be cruel, wouldn't it? :)

Ghost girl, if you find Tantrum Tamer, PLEASE send her to me. My twins are two. Nuff said there!

adrienne said...

I'd just like to be able to flatten myself out so I can get around all the crap in my garage.

Carrie Harris said...

Adrienne, that's a FABULOUS idea. And snarftastic at the same time. ;)

Ami said...

All I can really say is... I so want you on any future plane trips I take, you know, just in case.

Carrie Harris said...

Um... I'm happy to take a trip with you, Ami, but I'm no Maverick. Gotta love Top Gun.

Skilli said...

Jedi - but to be honest it's brcause I want a laser sword (Green please. Thank you very much).