Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Ninja Appreciation Points Program

Alright. Now you've learned a little about how to appreciate your local ninjas, although if you're like Jamie you may have to do this from the grave. But why do ninjas deserve our love and attention? Why should you appreciate them?

Other than the fact that if you piss them off, they might leap out of your closet and impale you at any moment, of course.

Ninjas keep you safe. They patrol your house at night to make sure that the bad guys don't steal your collectible cards, jeweled headdresses, or gold teeth. They stand by your bed when you're sick and stroke your hair soothingly with their black gloved hands. They walk your dog at night so he doesn't piddle on the carpet. And yes, they occasionally steal a sock or two, but really, which would you rather have? Piddle on your carpet or a missing sock every once in a while?

It's true: the missing sock phenomenon has nothing to do with the dryer and everything to do with ninjas. They tie the socks into makeshift nunchuku and let the little ninjas practice with them. There's nothing cuter than a bunch of mininjas whacking each other with socks.

Besides, if you are nice to your friendly neighborhood ninjas, you'll earn plenty of Ninja Appreciation Points (NAPs), which you can redeem for valuable prizes, like a Get Out of a Headlock Free Card or the very popular Break Into Disneyland with a Ninja and Ride Everything For Free.

Would you like to have your very own Fraternal Order of Ninja Sticker for your bumper? It's the best way to avoid being pulled over by street ninja. Here are some ideas on how to gain (and lose) NAPs:

Donate bag of spare socks to local dojo: +5 NAPs
Forget to wash socks first: -3 NAPs
Socks are printed with cutesy little samurai on them: -10 NAPs

Sharpen ninja's sword for him when his back is turned: +10 NAPs
Test the sharpness on his back hair: -10 NAPs
Test the sharpness on his lawn flamingo: -20 NAPs

Throw a surprise party for your favorite ninja: +5 NAPs
The party games don't involve throwing pointy things at each other: -2 NAPs
The theme of the party is the Teletubbies: -20 NAPs

13 comments:

K.C. Shaw said...

But, but, ninjas never turn their back on anyone, so how can I sharpen a ninja's sword for him while his back is turned? Man, this is a lot harder than I thought! *goes to sort socks*

Kelly said...

So THAT's where my socks are!

Lady Glamis said...

I have been surrounded by ninjas my whole life, because my drawer is full of socks missing their pairs.

Thanks for solving THAT mystery.

Hey, you HAVE to check this out. You will appreciate it for sure if you haven't already seen it:

http://www.chroniclebooks.com/index/main,book-info/store,books/products_id,7847/title,Pride-and-Prejudice-and-Zombies/

Catherine J Gardner said...

Where were the ninjas when my television blew up??? ::standing with hands on hips::

Jamie Eyberg said...

If I donate socks will they stop trying to kill me?

Mariah Irvin said...

I guess the whole socks thing explains why my dad (a ninja) has more than anyone I know.

Mary said...

I must be ninja-less. My socks are all in pairs. :(

Nora MacFarlane said...

I must have lots of ninjas protecting me. I have an entire laundry basket of matchless socks...

Big Plain V said...

I can't contribute. I'm sorry. I'm laughing too damn hard.

Minininjas whacking each other with sock-nunchucks...

Paul Michael Murphy said...

I don't know if you meant to write mininjas instead of minininjas, but I really hope you did.

Mininjas. Awesome.

Brenda said...

I have a drawer full of single socks I am going to put them in the dryer right now...that is my Ninja gift...they can have all my single socks...grin...

Happy Ninja Appreciation Week!!

Scillius Maximus said...

To Catherine J Garner:

Probably going through your sock drawer . . .

Carrie Harris said...

KC: Taking the easy way out with the socks, huh? Actually, I don't blame you. ;)

Kelly: Yep. Don't blame it on the rain. Blame it on the ninjas.

Glamis: Oh my GOD! I need to get that book!!!!!

Cate: I think Scillius (fo shizzle) is on to something. You must have particularly attractive socks.

Jamie: Isn't it worth a try?

Mariah: HAH! How funny is that?

Mary: You know, there are advantages and disadvantages to this. :)

Nora: I have one of those too. And I refuse to throw any of them away. Just in case I piss of a ninja and need to suck up.

BPV: I'm not kidding, either. I've seen that. I've DONE that. :)

Paul: I absolutely did it on purpose. And it cracks me up too.

Brenda: How funny would it be if some of them went missing now?

Scillius: Quit stealing all my lines!