In the Event of Famousness

I’m pretty lucky, all things considered. After years of craptastic luck, as evidenced by the time I fell of a cliff and the time I unknowingly dated a mobster, I kind of feel like I’ve got it made these days. Life is good, and I’m all about passing it on. So I’ve decided to start a new feature for this blog: once a month, we’re going to talk about famousness.

Because, really, I’ve got it all planned out. In the event of famousness, I need to have plenty of pithy things to say for the camera-bearing hordes that I expect to be parked on my front lawn, so I’ve started making lists to prepare for this event. And it seems to me that authors tend to get a lot of the same questions, so I figure that the best way for me to pay it forward is to share some of my stock answers with all of you, so that when you’re famous for writing an expose that proves once and for all what’s in Kentucky Fried Chicken or whatever, you’ll know what to say too.

And one of the questions that writers get asked most often is: “Where do you get your ideas?” In the event that you’re ever faced with this question and are chock out of answers, try one of these babies on for size:

1. Osmosis. Go to the library, stack a bunch of books on the floor, and sleep on them. It’ll change your life. Honest.

2. I stalk famous authors until they give me ideas just to make me go away. It helps to be in costume while you stalk, makes you look particularly unhinged. My favorite stalking costume is probably Little Bo Peep.

3. From Fred. That wacky Fred.

4. Like I’m going to tell you? Pshaw. And monkeys might fly out my butt.

5. I don’t know. I can’t remember much since the lobotomy. Do you have any Twinkies?

6. Well, I fell off a cliff once, and as I was lying there, broken and oozing, they all came to me at once. I really suggest it; it’s great for the creative process.

7. If you knew that, you’d be as famous as me, wouldn’t you? Neiner neiner neiner.

8. Well, I spend a lot of time reading blogs. I mean, a LOT of time. And then I think a lot, and read some more blogs, and think some more, but that really doesn’t get me anywhere. So then I take a shower, and voila! Ideas galore. So if you want ideas, I guess showering. Although you should still read my blog just in case.

See? That’s fodder for a bunch of interviews in the event famousness strikes. Now I won’t sit there and gape at them like a beached whale with a mental deficiency. And neither will you. Not that you’d do that, of course, you’d be much more graceful than that.

Aren’t I so helpful?