Friday, October 17, 2008

The Freaky Mom's Club - I'm a Charter Member!

I'm the pariah of the bus stop. All the other moms have identical soccer mom bobs and cute little jogging suits in colors that actually match. They wear nail polish and lipstick. Some of them paint their eyebrows on, but of course I stay as far away from them as possible. I've decided that my scary Zombie House will have lots of zombies with painted on, terminally surprised zombiebrows. Because THAT's scary, mon.

Er... yeah. Anyway, I'm the odd one out, with my "I do bad things" rhinestone shirt and my paint-covered capris. I still wear my hair the same way I did in college: long. I do not do the cute little bob; it makes my face look like Pretty Polly Pumpkinhead. And that, my friends is bad with a capital BAAAAA.

The other moms were standing around earlier this week, recommending books to each other. "Finally!" I thought. "I can recommend some killer books! This is my big chance to establish myself as the kewl person at the bus stop." Until I noticed that the titles they were mentioning were the kind of titles that involve men in kilts, lots of bulging muscles, and storking. Lots and lots of storking. I, on the other hand, am reading a book called "Dead Girls" by Richard Calder, which I thought was going to be a zombie kind of story, perfect for October, but is instead a really pervy book about this virus that turns girls into killer vampiric clockwork nanotech dolls. Which is still kinda cool, except that it's cool in a way that makes me cock my head to one side and make confused doggie noises.

ARF? Translation: What the f*ck? Reason translation is needed: I have three children. Lucky for me, they don't realize that dogs say WTF all the time.

So now I'm resigned. I was thinking that I should just embrace the weirdness. Like, next week, I think I might read aloud from my WIP. Maybe the scene in which the main character steals a middle finger by mistake. Because, you know, I'm just not weird enough yet.

27 comments:

Vivi Alden said...

OMG, I am total freak outcast mommy too! (Though...I have sported the bob, BUT it had the short Winona Ryder Beetlejuice bangs. And it was 23 different colors.) In honor of our shared mommy freakiness, I shall paint eyebrows on my yard ghouls!

Jamie Eyberg said...

I wish I got to hang out at a bus stop. Living in the middle of nowhere has its disadvantages. :(

Rachel Hawkins said...

Outcast Mommies, unite! I always get weird looks at Small Son's daycare because I drop him off while I'm wearing, like, a ratty t-shirt and a baseball cap. But I refuse to get all dressed up to drop him off if I'm only coming home to write! I'm sure they think I just stay at home all day, eating chocolate and watching TV. Which, um, sometimes I do. ;)

Kelly said...

Last year one of the dad's waited with the kids at our bus stop (which is the corner of my yard-I'd watch from the window with my youngest). A newspaper delivery person proceeded to almost hit the kids in her car so the dad proceeded to yell and swear the "F" word at her. Then he apologized for swearing to my oldest son. My son replied, "That's okay.My parents swear all the time. My mom says the "C" word."
By they way, the "C" word in my house is CRAP, as in "Oh, crap!" But my neighbor doesn't know that...

K.C. Shaw said...

Embrace the freaky mommyness! It's sure a lot more interesting than men in kilts, storking or not.

When I did my student teaching, I thought the other teachers would talk about books all the time and I could have lots of great conversations. Turns out they were all reading those Stephanie Plum novels. And that's it. Le sigh.

Lady Glamis said...

*shudders*

I am a freaky mom outcast, too. I get a lot of narrowed eyes and backing away.

Stand tall, my dear! You are unique and on top of the world. Embrace it. Throw it in their perfect, painted-eyebrow faces.

*I thought you said soccer-mom BOOBS. I'm still chuckling over here. But that description would work, too, wouldn't it????

Catherine J Gardner said...

If I had any kids I'd be a freaky mommy outcast too... At the moment I am just a freaky outcase.

Tiny T said...

I'd be right there with you if I had kids. Long hair, paint splashed clothes with my "kunoichi: meaning she who kicks your a**" shirt =D

adrienne said...

Ha! Like lady glamis, I also read soccer mom boobs...and it does also fit!

slhastings said...

The moms wear lipstick in the morning? Is Jake Ryan the bus driver?

And painted-on eyebrows? SCARY!

My mantra? It's good to be weird! After all, if everybody were "normal" – whatever that is – the world would be one boring place. Embrace your weirdness!

No kids (yet), but I do have a giant dog...

Natalie L. Sin said...

That was terrifying. Having no desire to share space with Stepford wives, I'm glad children aren't in my future!

Make sure they realize how much you put up with for them ; )

Carrie Harris said...

Vivi: Oooh. Love the hair style. I have a confession: I've been thinking about fire engine red. I did it once before, right after I graduated from college. Now would be the perfect time to do it, wouldn't it? My excuse would be Halloween, but we would know it was an excuse.

So anyway, you can still be in the FMC. :)

Jamie: Well, you could stand by the street and freeze for a while. Let people look at you funny, even if those people are in your family. Pretty much the same effect.

Rachel: Exactly. I've taken to the ponytail. It makes it look like I'm put together, even if the putting togethering involves five seconds with a brush and an elastic.

Kelly: My son says "What the hex?" all the time now. Reminded me of that. Snarf.

KC: Awww... I'll talk books with you ANY time, chica.

Glamis and Adrienne: That really would go with my past entries, wouldn't it? (Ahem. I typed "wouldn't tit?" by mistake. And the saddest part of that is that I. Am. Not. Making. This. Up.)

Cate: You can still join the club if you want. We don't even have dues. Or meetings. Or anything, really. But you can join if you want.

Tiny T: Yeah, but I like that shirt, and it suits you.

slhastings: Son is in afternoon kindergarten. So they have plenty of time to primp. But I have to get three children ready, make myself presentable, and check three million blogs. I've got priorities.

Natalie: Yeah, but you have to admit that they would be good inspiration for scary stories.

SlayerOfBees said...

So THAT'S what's going on when you bark at me....I thougt that meanst something entirely different and not fit for the public eye. Boy did I miss that one!

Kate Karyus Quinn said...

My son isn't old enough for standing at bus stops yet, but when he does I just plan on not being there at all. When I was little my mom shoved my sisters and I out the door and that was it - if it worked me for me, I figure it'll work for my son. :D

Brenda said...

I was voted the cutest mom the basketball team when my son played basketball for the school...of course, the other moms were mostly grandma's, in knit stretch pants and no make-up with blue hair...but I still felt special for a little while...grin...

Big Plain V said...

I'm outcast mommy too. Get it? Cuz I'm a guy, so it's freaky that I said I was a mom. Is that funny?

Um... just forget I commented.

Timmit said...

Why are you trying to endear yourself to the plastic mommies? After all, you have us. If we ever need to do an intervention on you, after you regain your senses, we are going to kick your ass. For atonement, you must kill one of the cookie cutter mommies. Or get them to read a book of substance, whichever is easier. Embrace weirdness... or weirdos...

P.S. You sure they aren't the ones trying to stay away from you?

Carrie Harris said...

Slayer: Nah. That was just me trying to be cute.

Kate: I want to do that so badly. But the bus stop is all the way down at the end of the block. I can't see it from my house, and son is four. He thinks it's funny to pull down his pants and do the butt dance. I can't let him go alone. :)

Brenda: You should feel special. Although electric blue hair would be cool...

BPV: It's okay. You can still be in the club. Don't worry. *says me, soothingly*

Snarf.

Timmit: You do realize that you just called my hubby a weirdo, don't you?

ElanaJ said...

Carrie, you crack me up! I love that you don't fit in at the bus stop! I don't fit in anywhere. Being 30 is a weird age. Too old for the newly married. Too young for the middle-aged, no matter how long your hair is. :)

Jamie Eyberg said...

I just worry about fitting in when my boy is in football or other sports. "Brendan, I see you brought your grandpa." "No, that's my dad."
"Oh."

Sandra said...

Who's got time to do their nails anymore? Not me--that takes time away from the computer.

I feel sorry for the people who seem to read only the books other people read, whether or not there's storking involved. I'd rather browse the shelves on my own. Unfortunately, these are probably the people responsible for turning most of modern fantasy into chick lit.

I think I've heard of that book you mentioned, but I haven't read it yet.

devonellington said...

Hey, who wants to be a conformist anyway?

You rock, they don't, it's that simple.

Moo's Momma said...

Haha! I am an outcast mommy too! Mine happens at the kindergarten pick up and drop off too! My hair is never done (in the am sometimes not even brushed) and yea I have painted toenails but one of them is always chipped. And now everytime I hear my dog ARF I gonna think she's saying WTF!

Laini Taylor said...

So funny! I am not a mom, but I hope someday to be the freaky outcast mom at the busstop. Except that I have decided I'm going to educate my future children myself while on camel expeditions through Morocco, and on elephant-back through Thailand, etc etc. All school must be conducted while riding very large mammals. So I'm not sure how it's going to work out about the busstop.

Carrie Harris said...

Elana: Yeah, I know. That's why I started a club, because it makes me feel like I'm "in." If you can't join 'em, then exclude 'em. No, wait. That's not how the phrase goes at all.

Jamie: HAH! Just don't wear plaid pants pulled halfway up your chest and yell "Get off my lawn!" all the time. You'll be fine.

Sandra: Yeah, I'm all for a good book recommendation, but I don't understand it when people recommend books that are already on the best seller list. It's like: I know about that one already! Tell me something I don't know!!!

Finished the book. I enjoyed it, although it was just weird. And when I call something weird, it's REALLY weird.

Devon: I think that might be my motto from here on out. I rock. They don't. It's simple. :)

Moo: I'm sorry to screw with your perception of your puppy. I don't have one, so I can say things like that. LOL

Laini: It'll work out just fine. You'll just be the odd one out at the camel stop. Or the elephant pick up.

By the way, can my kids play with your future kids?

Tabitha said...

I know what you mean about the painted on eyebrows. What's up with that?? Why pluck them off so you can draw them back on?? I mean, if they're there in the first place... But maybe it's just me. :)

sruble said...

If I were there, I'd be your friend. Of course I'd be the only one there w/o children, so I might not be welcome anyway. But I could go to the opposite side of the road and wave, and show them my uber cool YA books ... or not.