Why I Should Be a Film Director

Sleep update: Not going so well. I actually poured Diet Dr. Pepper into my granola this morning and didn't notice until I heard the fizzing. However, I'm happy to report that granola pre-soaked in DDP and then drained thoroughly actually tastes pretty good.

Anyway.

I suppose it won't surprise you to hear that I give two thumbs up to movies based on or inspired by video games. Part of the reason for this is because I go into those movies with the expectation that they will look cool and give me plenty of opportunity for snarky comments. Because really, people, look at what they've got to work with. You do not go to see Resident Evil because you're looking for stirring character development and dialogue that makes you want to commit hari kiri because you will never write something that good. You go because you want to see Milla Jovovich gad about in a really cute red dress and kick the crap out of a couple of zombie dogs.

Ahem. Accidentally typed "zombie gods." Which probably would have been even COOLER.

I've recently decided (as in, about two minutes ago) that someone really ought to make a movie based on my video game moves. Because really, I've got some serious swerve going on when it comes to kicking virtual butt.

My film would demonstrate some major differences from movies like Tomb Raider and Resident Evil. For example, all of the characters would speak in really exaggerated accents, kind of like the French guys in Holy Grail, and they would all talk a lot of smack. Because smack is funny, but accented smack is freaking snarftacular. They would say things like "Bow down before my scary eyebrows!" and "You hit like Jerry's Kids," which is really REALLY inappropriate, but don't blame me. Blame the instructor of my high school drum line. He used to yell at us when we'd mess up our cadences and say that we played like Jerry's Kids, and the phrase has stuck with me ever since.

In the movie, they'd also use my patented combat technique. Yesterday, I mentioned my button mashing technique. I do this partly because I have no freaking clue what I'm doing and partly because it amuses me to watch the characters jump around like gymnasts with very short attention spans, video recorded and played back at high speeds. It's something like: "Take that! I will leap at--no, I will punch your--wait! I will throw you over--or maybe I'll kick your--bow down before my scary eyebrows!"

That makes me giggle. But I'm sleep deprived, so don't mind me.

There's one other computer gamey thing that I want to put in my movie. Slayer and I like to play those old dungeon crawling games for fun during the winter, because we are big geeks. (Well, actually, I'm a big geek and Slayer humors me, because y'know, I'm his wife and he's a really deep sleeper.) So one of my absolute favorites is Might and Magic. And the secret to successfully killing the big monsters in Might and Magic? Stand way far away from them, shoot them with your bows, and sashay from side to side so they can't shoot you back. Don't bother running, dodging, rolling, or anything that is vaguely realistic combat-wise. It's not necessary. The power of the sashay is enough to keep you safe. So in my movie, every battle will be filmed with the actors wearing pointe shoes, which will look FABULOUS on the zombie gods with the exaggerated French accents. And lo, the sashays will be plentiful. It'll be a pas de deux, combat-style, with zombies. Who have scary eyebrows.

And this, my friends, is a firm demonstration of why sleep is a good thing. Because if you stay awake for too long, you will sound like this too.