The Sexy Creature Awards

I have a confession to make. Every time I read a vampire book, there's this little soundtrack running continuously in the back of my head, and it sounds something like this:



When I say I've got issues, I really mean it.

But honestly, I think the whole lure of the vampire thing is that, like Right Said Fred and their glistening baldness, they are sexy. You will not see a vampire guy shuffling around in a plaid button down with a pocket protector. You will never catch a vampire chick in a sack skirt and a sailor blouse. These things are not permitted by the Vampiric Laws of Clothing, which can be easily summarized as: Vampiric clothing must put the EEEEEE! in sex-EEEEEE!

It's also a little known fact that vampires will spontaneously combust if you dress them in last year's fashions. Because really, that whole stake and mallet thing is just so passe. Garlic does nothing, but a well-placed pair of bellbottoms will stop a vampire dead in their tracks.

Get it? DEAD? Mwahahaha!

But if you think about it, vampires really take the Sexy Creature Award hands down. Because their competition is pretty weak:

1. Anyone who finds zombies sexy (lurch-lurch-uuungh!) needs some serious therapy.
2. Werewolves are out unless you happen to be attracted by the concept of a hairy Cuisinart with a licking fetish.
3. Fairies aren't too bad; I dated one once but he was prettier than me. Not so much sexy, just pretty.
4. Sasquatch are right out for one reason: hairy toes.
5. Ghosts are disembodied, which pretty much takes them out of the sexy competition, unless they sound like Sean Connery in which case they're frontrunners.

So unless you've got a better idea or can produce a ghost that sounds like Mr. Connery, this month's Sexy Creature Award is going to go to the vamps.