Wednesday, October 21, 2009

In Which Celebrities Fight Over Me

Apparently, there is some resistance to the idea of me being the David Hasselhoff of Turkey. Most of this resistance comes from my husband, who is permanently scarred by the picture of my face, the Hoff's body, and a speedo. We're considering therapy.

But honestly, I'm not sure what the problem is. It could be worse. I could have decided to be the Marilyn Manson of Turkey. (He has flipped me out ever since I saw him in concert, opening up for someone I actually WANTED to see. I will not tell you what he did on stage, but he was dressed in a black speedo. Ugh. Even that is too much; I'm starting to have flashbacks. Moving on.) I could have decided to be a lot of things that aren't the Marilyn Manson of Turkey.

Like, you could be the Richard Simmons of Turkey.


Well, yes, if I could find the right shorts, but--

You should be the Batman of Turkey. My wardrobe is better.


Well, now that you're nipple-less again, I have to admit that it's pretty flattering, but--

Are you kidding?!? I don't see a single sparkle in sight. And sparkles are good for you. They made Edward live forever, right?


I cannot deny the power of the sparkle.

Your sparkles are wussy.


Oooh. Them's fighting words.

That's it, Batman. Put up your dukes.


Uh... guys? There's no need to fight.

If you two don't shut up, I'm going to shoot you.


Sheesh. Okay, I guess the only thing left to do is take bets. In a fight between Richard Simmons, Batman, and Princess Leia, who are you putting your pretend money on?

And have you entered the Rename Twilight contest yet? It closes on Thursday at noon, and the competition is wide open. There are so many hilarious entries; why don't you put one in too?

22 comments:

Marybeth Poppins said...

Princess Lea...hands down. Those buns alone could kick some heave booty!

MattDel said...

Princess Leia has blasters at her disposal. Batman's armor can't stop those, and Richard Simmons's sparkles can't refract the beam enough.

Keri Mikulski said...

Love it! ;)

Donna Gambale said...

Bahhahaa. But Richard Simmons also "sizzles" -- an invaluable skill in battle.

sraasch said...

I'm going with Leia. Never underestimate the power of a really pissed-off girl with a gun.

~Jamie said...

Princess Leia is so awesome.

beth said...

Leia FTW.

Batman wouldn't hurt her--he always hesitates with women.

Simmons couldn't touch her--his sparkles cower before her hair.

CKHB said...

I'll take Ms. Fisher as Leia. Don't mess with women who are really named Carrie, am I right?

Mariah Irvin said...

I'm siding with Leia, and have decided to channel her awesomeness for Halloween.

L. T. Host said...

Leia. Hands down.

Sara said...

Leia, though Richard Simmons is a close second.

When I was a freshman in high school, our gym teacher tried to make us do a R. Simmons workout... unfortutely it failed, because we were all laughing to hard to actually do the workout. We were freshman... it didn't take much. Although, I would totally laugh now too...

Lorna said...

Well, Leia does have that unfair advantage, even when she runs out of laser blasts (can that happen? oh wait, this is fiction) she can use her buns as weapons. Probably stores bricks in there.

candicekennington said...

Are you Turkish? Because I met someone Turkish recently, oh wait, you already knew that. :)

I'm really torn on this debate, so I've decided to settle it not by focusing on their respective skills, but on their hair. Batman doesn't have hair per se, but he does have those pointy ears and since they're made of that specialized, shape-holding, polymer thingy they are probably pretty strong. So he's definitely a force to be reckoned with.

Richard Simmons has the whole poofy, sparkle thing going on with his gigantic mop, and there's no denying the amplifying power of sweating to the oldies (sweat has definite sparkle enhancing attributes).

Then there's Carrie Fisher. The name alone increases her chances of winning my vote, and the hair... do I really even need to expound up the Leia ear buns? Her head couldn't be more shielded if it were encased in granite (thought it might weigh a bit less).

So there you have three good arguments for choosing each celebrity, three outstanding specimens of head adornment, and yet, somehow the choice is easy. If put in a ring together and forced to face off, the only truly sure thing we can know is that Marylin Manson would swoop in with his Speedo and render them all incapacitated. Yes, if I had to have someone on my side to assure victory Marilyn Manson would be my choice. And that's my final answer.

Stephanie L. McGee said...

My money's on Leia. Always on Leia.

Jamie Eyberg said...

Leah, hands down.
As far as Manson goes, he spit on me the first time I met him. I don't care for him (Iowa City, 94').

C.R. Evers said...

I think the Joker of Turkey could take' all!

melane said...

Princess Leia was my hero when I was little, so my vote is for her.

Natalie L. Sin said...

I'm with the Princess. She has a gun, which is usually pretty decisive in these matters. Laser guns can puncture the bat suit, right? Because that's key to my theory.

Hayley said...

Princess Leia for sure, she would totally own!

Solvang Sherrie said...

I recognized your foul stench the moment I came on board. Of course I'm going to choose Star Wars!

Wendy Sparrow said...

I want to vote for the two others and secretly I think that Leia and Batman could have a little something something together... BUT Richard Simmons is just so freakishly unpredictable. In a fight, unpredictableness is a valuable tool. Wait. I just made up a word. I meant unpredictability. Valuable tool. True crazies often triumph.

Kelly said...

Princess Leia will kick their butts!