Filled with glitter glue.
So without further ado, here are my areas of expertise, if you trust the art of Google-Fu.
- Silly Batman sayings
- Baby sniffing sounds
- Batman foot fetish
- Sparkle vamp
- Snoop Dogg shizzle me
- Tadpoles is the winner
- Girls chesticals
- Eyebrows make me look scary
- Hilarious things snarf
- Ninja love parody
- My dad is a zombie killer
- Why teachers are like babies
- What to say to unreasonable requests
- Attracting weird people
- Richard Simmons lunging
- Shakespeare zombie stories
- The universe loves me
- Review of Twilight sparkle pire
- Patrician cheekbones
- Man snarf
- Zombe vs warwolf games (sic)
- Zombies sweater vest
- Paranoia will destroy
- Evil eyebrows
- Nacid peepul
- Job where people shoot chickens out of cannons at airplane windows
No, I'm not making that last one up. If you are the person who searched for that item, please leave a comment. I want to shake your hand, virtually speaking.
And here's a story using those items, because I am just that masochistic.
Once upon a time, about a week ago, Richard Simmons was lunging around his living room. He was beginning to develop a complex; a man with evil eyebrows had been following him around for the past few weeks, and Richard wanted to be sure he could protect himself if it came down to it. Luckily, the man always wore a zombie sweater vest, so he was easy to spot. That was one good thing about attracting weird people: they were always easy to spot because they were, well, WEIRD.
Still, the whole situation was interfering with Richard's mojo, and that was not a good thing. "The universe loves me; the universe loves me," chanted Richard.
Then, the Voice of the Universe boomed around him, shaking the walls and knocking the sparkle vamp painting off the mantle.
"Actually," said the Universe, "I love Shakespeare zombie stories. I like you, though."
"Well, duh. They're hilarious things. Snarf."
"Snarf indeed. Man snarf."
"Universe Dude? You make no sense whatsoever." Richard stroked his patrician cheekbones thoughtfully. "Can I ask you a question, though?"
"My eyebrows make me look scary too."
"That wasn't what I was going to ask!"
"Oh. Sorry." The Universe sounded sheepish. "Batman does have a foot fetish. Is that what you wanted to know?"
"Well, what is it, then?" The Universe started to make sniffing sounds, like a baby. "I just can't keep up with all these unreasonable requests. I never know what to say, and I'm afraid I'm going to get fired, and then my wife is just going to nag nag nag me all the time--"
"Universe!" Richard interrupted. "Paranoia will destroy..."
"What? Paranoia will destroy what?"
"Um... I forget. I was too busy reading this review of a Twilight sparkle pire in the newspaper. I'm not sure what a pire is, but evidently it's sparkly."
"I don't know what it is either."
"Well, do you know what the bleep 'nacid peepul' is? Because I have no freaking clue."
"Me either. I'm such a failure as a universe. People are constantly writing to me and asking things. Like 'Do I suck?' or 'Why are teachers like babies?' And I never know what to say. I think I need to start looking for a new job."
"Well, Snoop Dogg shizzle me, I don't know either. Let me think." Richard lunged thoughtfully for a few minutes. Suddenly, he blinked. "I know! My dad is a zombie killer. You might be good at that."
"Nuh uh. The smell of rotting flesh makes me gag. I'm a failure!" the Universe wailed.
"Don't be silly!" chirped Richard, his desire to motivate people kicking in. "There are a million jobs you could do. You could write silly Batman sayings! Measure girls chesticals for brassieres. Write ninja love parodies. Or zombe vs warwolf games."
"I dunno, but the world really needs one."
"Or maybe... YES! I've got it!" Richard lunged triumphantly. "You could get a job shooting chickens out of cannons at airplane windows."
"You know; you're right!"
Richard grabbed his lucky tadpole off the dining room table and took it for a victory lap. Of lunges. "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is the winner!"
The Universe said, "I quit! It's airplane windoes and chickens from here on out!"
And then everything winked out of existence.