Carrie Harris | Young Adult Author

Friday, May 15, 2009

A Guaranteed Way to Warp Your Children

On occasion (okay, frequently), people ask me how I turned out the way that I did. I went from a fairly intelligent, halfway normal band geek to a lunatic writer whose random obsessions include afroed exercise gurus, superhero eyebrows, anything sparkly and/or undead, and potatoes.

Hey, I like potatoes. One year, Slayer got me a bunch of Christmas gifts with the theme Things Carrie Likes. They included a book of poetry, a calendar with dancing cats on it, sparkly lip gloss (not undead, though), and a potato. I spent days trying to figure out what that lumpy thing under the tree was.

Anyway, how did I end up like this? I did my junior high science project with one of the guys who helped build the atom bomb. (True story.) I'm a statistician, for god's sake. I've been thinking about it a lot, and finally, I think I figured it out.

My entire personality, all of it, can be traced back to one thing. I feel compelled to prepare you for this thing, because it may be emotionally scarring. Do not drink anything while looking at this thing. This thing may give you nightmares. Contact your doctor immediately if you exhibit any strange symptoms while looking at this thing.

Are you ready?

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My mother did that to me. ON PURPOSE.

The teeth are bad enough, but orthodontics have been kind to me. That haircut, however, is unforgivable. It made me the woman I am today. So to all you parents out there: DO NOT give your children horrible haircuts unless you want to screw them up so badly that they accidentally run over things with the lawn mower because they are too busy making up zombie haiku. Take them to the hairdresser. You won't regret it.

Just looking at those bangs traumatizes me anew. I think I need to go lie down. Maybe I'll make up some zombie limericks this time to soothe my troubled soul.

24 comments:

beth said...

If it makes you feel better, I was born with three extra teeth, which came out of my mouth like fangs (for real). I was a vampire before they got cool and sparkly. But did you notice...I said THREE. So I had two "normal" fangs, that would have been cool and would have made me PERFECT for the rising Goth set at school...except that the third one curved around in a giant snaggle tooth, making me lose all cool points whatsoever.

Also: my mother made me wear duck sweaters.

*traipses off to write more zombie haiku*

Big Plain V said...

What a cute little girl. Seriously.

You're face is practically glowing with fun and personality. Id've hung out wich ya.

Aaron Polson said...

Your bangs were so...straight.

My kids don't have to worry. I shave their heads.

storyqueen said...

Dear God! I had those bangs, too! My mom got them so straight by taping a piece of scotch tape across them and cutting along the line. Then they were so short she didn't have to cut them again for about six months.

I too, am a member of the recovering hideous haircuts from childhood society. gads.

Shelley

Natalie said...

Ya know, sometimes the hairdresser is NOT a good thing either. See...there was this one time my mom convinced me it would be cute to chop my hair to my ears and PERM it. PERM IT.

When it was all over, I went from a cute little girl with long hair to, well, a Richard Simmons look alike.

Sometimes I still have nightmares about that.

Catherine J Gardner said...

I have many a weird fringe (UK for bangs) photo lurking in the family album - and not one of them straight. Someone should have banned my mother from using scissors.

Shelli said...

i busted out laughing when i saw that - but I was laughing with you not at you :)

Whirlochre said...

I always wondered what happened to Peter Tork's hair after the 70s...

Jamie Eyberg said...

1982 was a bad year for most of us.

Natalie L. Sin said...

There, there. It's all right. There are pictures of me riding an inflatable school bus up the street buck naked.

These things tend to happen to future horror writers.

Davin Malasarn said...

Ha ha! Well, I'm a firm believer in character building. I say give your kids bad haircuts and funny names (that's in reference to me)! :)

Vivi Alden said...

Okay, CLEARY our moms hung out and swapped home haircutting technique secrets, because I believe I had the exact same haircut. Only I had coke bottle glasses and a patch over my left eye, and the glasses would always slide down to the end of my nose. It was such a hot look. I'm sure I'll revive it when I'm 90.

Jameson T. Caine said...

I was the youngest of five - and the only male child. My sisters used me as a living doll, applying makeup, nail polish, etc. Therapy can only do so much, so I turned to writing horror.

Kelly said...

What a sweet little girl who secretly dreamt of ninjas and zombies!
I had a short, bad haircut most of my childhood and was mistaken for a boy a few times as well!

Mariah Irvin said...

Aww...I think you're cute with your little bangs.

That wasn't sarcastic.

Lady Glamis said...

That's adorable!

Um, I just cut my daughter's bangs. And sadly, they look a lot like those bangs. But I didn't do it on purpose. Honestly. I just discovered that I CANNOT cut hair. It's to the stylist next time, that's for sure.

Horror Girl said...

i think u look adorable. and i mean it :^) maybe in a slightly uh, non-traditional and more interesting haired way. BUT STILL ADORABLE.

K.C. Shaw said...

Wow. Obviously your mother was trying, because the frilly blouse almost made me not notice the hair.

Actually, you were a cute kid, despite the haircut.

Ello said...

Hey - did your parents talk with my parents? Did my parents lend you the bowl they used to cut my hair? Does this explain why we get along so famously?

K. M. Walton said...

You look time-appropriate and sweet.

If you were walking around as an adult with that do and those pre-adolescent teeth, well then, that would be disturbing.

Kiersten said...

I will never cut my children's hair again.

Actually--on second thought, if it will make them turn into such cool and entertaining adults, I'd probably better start giving them wretched cuts right now!

Suzanne Casamento said...

Awwww, that picture is CUTE! You look like a really happy kid. Which means mom couldn't have been THAT bad, could she?

Marinela said...

I think u look cute.

BT said...

Don't you just love kid photos?

I think we can all look back and cringe at what our parents (mums in particular) did to us.

And now I'm doing it to my own kids and look forward to them doing it to my grand kids.

Ah, the perpetual wheel of karma. Got to love it...

 


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