7 Things About Moi

I've been tagged, courtesy of Natalie.

Share seven facts about yourself in the post. Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.

1. Funny noises crack me up. So if you ever get into an argument with me, your best defense is to start quacking.

2. I am really upset that I can't write music, because I think the world needs a zombie musical. I'm also upset that I can't draw, because I'd like to do a graphic novel about Zom Cruise and Pampire.

3. What I can do is put both of my legs behind my head, and I cannot find a good use for that skill. I can also say, "Pshaw, and monkeys might fly out my butt" in German. Which is yet another useless skill.

4. I helped discover a new disease. And no, I'm not kidding. Apparently, I am smart when you can get me to stop babbling on about Batbrows and Pampires.

5. I have really small ears. I have those headphones that you stick into your ears, and they kept popping out the last time I was at the gym. They popped out and one went straight down my cleavage. The guy on the elliptical next to me laughed so hard that he snarfed and something flew out of his mouth. I'm not sure what it was and wasn't about to catch it to find out.

6. My favorite Goonie is Mouth. My favorite Smurf is Handy. If you put them together, you get Handy Mouth, which sounds wrong with a capital ONG.

7. I once had an audition for a low budget ripoff of the Fly Girls, only I injured my knee the week before I was supposed to dance. Just think, if I hadn't kicked my knee out of the socket, I might be known as C-Ha.

I have totally lost track of who has been tagged and who hasn't, and I don't want anyone to kill me. So I tag Dopey, Doc, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Happy. There. That's seven.

Not THAT Kind of Dancer

All that theater talk yesterday has me thinking about, well, theater. Kinda obvious, ain't it? But seriously... it's probably not all that surprising that I was a big theater chick way back in the day. I did a lot of backstage work, set building, and that kind of thing. And let me tell you, you haven't heard enough jokes about screws, screwing, and screwdrivers until you have worked with a bunch of high schoolers constructing a set. We used to hold contests on who could say the raunchiest things.

Yeah, I won. Because I have no shame. But you knew that already, didn't you?

Anyway, one year I decided to step out from behind the curtain, and I don't mean like I did that one time that some of my crew members weren't really paying attention and pushed half of a car onto one of the actors. I mean like in acting.

I got a part in Midsummer Nights Dream as one of the fairies, which worked out really well for me because they have a couple of dance numbers and I was dancing a lot back in those days. But what didn't work out is that the director (I almost typed 'dictator,' which is really a freudian slip) decided to do something 'creative.'

So there I was, playing a fairy, doing a little sexy type dance, dressed like Dopey from the seven dwarves. Everyone in the show was dressed like a cartoon character. The dwarf-fairies ended up being the comic relief, and I was unofficially dubbed as Sexy of the alternadwarves. There was also Slutty, Ditzy and Boobie. Don't ask me; I don't know.


I still think it's funny. But not as funny as when we made a fake manthing out of a toilet paper roll and stuck it under Tarzan... I mean Theseus' loincloth. I'm just now realizing what pervs we truly were.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Valkyrie

This is even funnier if you imagine Zom Cruise in it.



One of the best parts of this video is that I kind of semi know the guy who plays Tom Cruise. He used to be in a theater company with Bestfriend. (And no, I can't remember if he was at the naked party or not. Because I know you're wondering.) Bestfriend used to throw an annual Halloween party, and one year he came as Die Fledermaus and his girlfriend at the time was American Maid. If you don't know who those people are, you need to go watch some Tick immediately because I'm not allowed to talk to you any more until you do.

Anyway, that year, Slayer was Mr. Furious, and I was The Bowler from Mystery Men. I had a heck of a time figuring out what to do about the bowling ball with the skull in it, because grave robbery ain't my bag, baby. I ended up sticking a glow-in-the-dark skull into one of those hamster exercise balls, and the rest was history-ish.

I miss theater. Theater people come up with the best Halloween costumes. Like the one guy who was a Twister board and kept running up to pretty girls and yelling, "Right hand on yellow! Right hand on yellow!" I'll give you two guesses where the yellow dot was, and the first one doesn't count.

Oh Buuuga Buuuga

I think Pam Anderson's cover is blown. Just about everyone knows she's a vampire. Although I'm sorry to tell many of you that Britney is actually a zombie. How do I know this? Well, when you play "Oops I Did It Again" backwards, you can hear the real words:

Oops I ate brains again
And chomped on your heart
Got hurgn uungh gaaar
Oh buuuga buuuga.

I'd translate the last few lines for you, but then you wouldn't need to buy my zombie dictionary.

And Katie Couric is a werewolf. I've been told by an insider that after all of her interviews, she wolfs out and eats her interviewees. Of course, he was wearing a tinfoil beanie, so I think you've got to take that story with a whole shaker full of salt.

Sorry. Just dropped a potato chip down my cleavage and entirely lost my train of thought. I think I'll have to move on.

I finished two books in the Read 50 Books Challenge: Ninjas and Zombies and Freaks, Oh my! (Apparently, I'm reading about ninjas, zombies, and freaks. I didn't know that until about two seconds ago, but what the bleep. I'll run with it.) Anyway, my first book was The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. It's supposedly humor, but honestly? The concept was the funniest thing about it. If you're a big zombiephile, get it. If not, skip out and read World War Z instead, because frankly, the survival guide reads like the background work that made WWZ so fabulous.

Book two was The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman, and I think it fits with my new theme. Ain't much that's freakier than living in a graveyard and wearing a winding sheet. And I was really distracted by that. Like, was he wearing it like a toga, or was it wrapped around his waist? It reminds me of the time I was acting in a workshop scene from Prelude to a Kiss, and the two characters were supposed to be hanging out in their apartment after some happy together time, so I wore a long t-shirt with a bathing suit underneath, and the instructor said she missed the entire scene because she'd spent the whole time trying to look up my shirt and see what I was wearing.

Talk about freaky.

But lucky for me, I was able to get past the winding sheet, and enjoy one of the best reads I've had in a while. The Graveyard Book gets a star from me, as if that really means anything in the greater scheme of things, but it makes me feel special to give out stars, so I'm going to. If you haven't read it, you should.

Britney Can't Be All Three

I think it's time for another round of Vampire, Werewolf, or Zombie. For those of you who missed the first round, the rules are simple. I give you three random people, and you have to tell me which one is secretly a vampire, which one is a werewolf, and which one is a zombie. There are no prizes in this game except the satisfaction of knowing that there are other people out there who are just as twisted as you.

Or something like that.

Anyway, here are your celebrities for the day. We've got Pamela Anderson and her scaryboobs.


Then there's Britney Spears and her issues.


And last but not least, there's Katie Couric. One of these things is not like the others, folks.


And I know you're thinking this, so let me reiterate it: Britney cannot be all three. That's cheating. Quit it, or I'll send Zom Cruise after you. (Get it? Zombie Tom Cruise has been shortened to... oh, never mind.)

So tell me, peeps. Which one is the vampire, which one is the werewolf, and which is the brain-loving zombie?

All Hail Lord Tangent

I was thinking that it would be cool if dreamcatchers really caught what you dreamt about so you could play with it later. Last night, half asleep and half awake, I was wondering who would win in a fight between Zombie Tom Cruise and Batman. It would have been cool to wake up and see it in live action. I could have bet against me and see if I won.

Of course, if that really worked, and if I was smart, I'd dream about hybrid minivans. I'd have to hang the dreamcatcher on the side of my bed though, because how ironic would it be if I dreamt about a minivan and it manifested over my bed and squashed me.

Speaking of minivans, I've finally named mine. It's been resurrected so many times that I think it's a distant relative of Zombie Tom Cruise (on the zombie side, not the Cruise side). My minivan is now named HUUUUUURNGH! This translates as "runs like crap" in zombiespeak. The best part about this is that when it doesn't work, I can sit in the driver's seat and yell, "Run HUUUUUURNGH! Run!" Because for some reason, that strikes me as fricken hilarious.

Which makes me think that it's a pity that there is no zombiespeak dictionary. Because I'd like to be able to say, "The streetcar is filled with potato salad" in zombie. I can say it in German, and I've gotten a lot of use out of that sentence.

Actually, I really have. And now I want to write that darned dictionary. That's the problem with tangents; when I run with them, I usually end up with an idea that strikes my fancy, and then I've got to resist the urge to write it. I need a ghost writer, although not a literal ghost. Not like I'm prejudiced against ghosts or anything, but they'd end up dictating the book because everyone knows that ghosts can't type for crap, and I'd have to listen to the recording and try to transcribe it, which wouldn't save me any time at all.

Darned tangents. Now I want to write the zombie dictionary, a dreamcatcher book, and a frustrated-writer-ghost book. Maybe I could put them all together and write a book about a frustrated writer ghost that lives in a dreamcatcher and is writing a zombie dictionary. Tangentially. Because I'm all about the tangents.

What Shall I Read?

PJ Hoover, lovely person that she is, is doing a Read 50 Books Challenge. (I gave it capital letters. It shall probably now take on a life of its own and start trampling small cities. Methinks I should stop reading the Japanese monster book again.) Anyway, the idea is to read at least 50 books over the next year, and I've vowed not to cheat and reread stuff I've already read, because that is a biscuit thing to do. And really, I have too much free time.

I can't write that sentence without snorting. Which is really attractive, let me tell you.

But seriously. Me loves the books, and me needs some good recommendations to add to the list. So, I ask you, gentle (there's that snort again) readers: What should I read?

Obviously, I like anything snarfworthy. Anything that involves kewl monsters, superpowers, or Tom Cruise giving in to his zombieness and attacking people on the highway. (Someone really needs to write that book. Wait a tic. I'm someone.) I'm a genre chick: me especially likey the sci-fi and fantasy. And of course, there's YA. I wouldn't write it if I didn't love it. Because at my core, I haven't matured much since high school except that now I wouldn't date a guy who got a cue ball stuck in his mouth. Or the one who thought he was a vampire. Or the one who drove repeatedly past my house at night playing "Groovy Kind of Love" by Phil Collins. (What WAS he thinking?) Or the mobster.

Now I'm a ninjas only kinda girl. Because black is where it's at, bay-bee.

So gimme some suggestions (for books, not for ninjas). Pretty please with a cue ball on top?