Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Books! Bait! Awesomesauce!

I know you've been waiting with bated breath (and not baited breath, which would be gross) to hear about my favorite books this year. And since I'm a Cybils judge this year, I'm splitting them into two categories. This way, we can see if the other Cybils judges are as crazy as me. They probably didn't make any Richard Simmons Christmas cookies this year, so probably not.

Anyway, here are my favorite reads of 2009. What did I miss that you think is a must-read?

Category: Fantasy! Science Fiction! Awesomesauce!

Ballad: A Gathering of Faerie by Maggie Stiefvater
Bloodhound by Tamora Pierce
Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
The Demon's Lexicon by Sarah Rees Brennan
The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan
Highway to Hell by Rosemary Clement Moore
Lips Touch by Laini Taylor

This list is all YA, all the time, because I read mostly YA. Although one of my new favorites is Skulduggery Pleasant. Sooo kewl. I kind of want to invite him over for New Year's.

Category: Young Adulty Fabulousness!

Cracked Up To Be by Courtney Summers
Crazy Beautiful by Lauren Baratz-Logsted
Geektastic: Stories from the Nerd Herd by Holly Black and Cecil Castelluci
Going Bovine by Libba Bray
Paper Towns by John Green
Tricks by Ellen Hopkins
What I Saw and How I Lied by Judy Blundell

Whee! And don't forget that Cybils finalists are posted on New Year's Day!

Monday, December 21, 2009

WTF Monday - Now with Holiday Cheer!

Last night, Slayer and I were watching some television and not wrapping presents, because we are stellar procrastinators. Srsly. If there were Procrastination Olympics, I'd be a gold winner for sure. Not that I'm discounting Slayer, but I think if I begged, he'd let me win.

I think that's a nice thing. Although maybe not.

Anyway, there was this commercial that said, "Dancing is good for you." And then: "And so is fish oil." So I'm buying Slayer a tanker full of fish oil, we're going to fill our basement with it, and then go dancing. That should be EXTRA good for us. We'll be like superheroes or something. I'll be the Dancing Queen, and he'll be Fish Oil Guy.

On second thought, I may need to work on those superhero personas. I know Maureen Johnson loves the ABBA, but I'm not sure I can stand to be known as, well, someone who would wear THAT.

I'd rather be known as a fan of THIS:

Yes, that is a Richard Simmons Christmas cookie. I'm decorating cookies with the kids this week, and you all know what I'm going to be making. Hee.

Friday, December 18, 2009

WTF Friday, Now with More WT!

My brain is broken. Today's entry will probably be nonsensical. However, that's not much different than any other day, so never mind.

I started the new book. I think I mentioned that yesterday, didn't I? And I used the phrase "merpire yingyang." This is now my new favorite phrase. Pretend that I put it into the meme yesterday under the My Favorite Words category. Frankly, it's so awesome that I think I need to write a song about it.

I have looked and looked for "Paeon to Wobbly Hamsters," which is a poem I wrote years ago. I think you'd like it. (Yes, I mean YOU.) Unfortunately, I think it was swallowed by one of my old computers. Maybe, just maybe, I'll write another poem with that title. Because titles don't get much better than that, do they?

I should note that I can't take credit for it. One of my oldest writing buddies challenged me to write a poem about wobbly hamsters. He wrote one too, and we traded. His was kind of gross but in that amazing imagery kind of way. Mine was quite naturally silly. Or maybe it's more accurate to say mine was, quite naturally, silly.

Damned commas.

Anyway, kudos to Monte for coming up with majorly cool hamster related poetry ideas.

I have this nagging feeling that I was supposed to do something this weekend but can't remember what it is. Don't you hate it when that happens?

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Thank god. Tere Kirkland tagged me. This saves me from having to, y' know, THINK.

This meme is about writing, so I figured what the bleep. I'll give it a try.

1. What's the last thing you wrote? What's the first thing you wrote that you still have? The last thing I wrote was the first two pages of my next book. Whee! Of course, now I'm in the obsessive-edit-two-pages stage, where I read and reread every blinking word in an effort to make it "perfect," all the while knowing that I'm being an idiot and perfect is unattainable unless you are Richard Simmons. The first thing I wrote is a book called "The Beautiful Butterfly" in Kindergarten. It got a special award at the Young Authors Conference and solidified my geek status for all eternity.

2. Write poetry? I used to. One of my killer poems was "Slumber Party with the Pope." Fer real.

3. Angsty poetry? *hangs head in shame* Yes, I used to do that too. I should probably note that "Slumber Party with the Pope" does not fall into this category. Neither does "Paeon to Wobbly Hamsters," although it would be funny if it did.

4. Favorite genre of writing? Young adult, natch. This would explain why I WRITE IT. Durr.

5. Most annoying character you've ever created? Probably Tickle Bits from the No Pain sequel. Yes, you read that right. Tickle Bits. If you think that's bad, you should have seen her original name.

6. Best plot you've ever created? Well, there's this vampire, see, and he glows in the dark, because sparkles are so overrated. And he falls in love with this girl who actually has two left feet; it's a birth defect or something. It's a romance. A very romantic romance.

7. Coolest plot twist you've ever created? Did I tell you she had two left feet?

8. How often do you get writer's block? Not too often. I find that writer's block only comes when there's something really wrong with my plot. It's my subconscious' way of saving me from having to rewrite half a book.

9. Write fan fiction? Dudes, he glows in the dark. She has two left feet. Do I need to get any more blatant?

10. Do you type or write by hand? I've written a few short stories by hand. Revenge of the Mucus Shovel Fairy was actually written in a notebook while I was on vacation. But generally, I'm a typist.

11. Do you save everything you write? Only the good stuff. Which means yes.

I am very modest.

12. Do you ever go back to an idea after you've abandoned it? Absolutely! Actually, No Pain went on the back burner for about three months, because my plot didn't work. One morning I woke up and said, "Eureka!" or something equally inspirational but not quite so lame. That day, I picked it back up, finished it within about a month, and the rest is history. Or at least it should be.

13. What's your favorite thing you've ever written? Um... have I mentioned that No Pain sold to Delacorte? Nuff said.

14. What's everyone else's favorite story that you've written? I don't know. I'm hoping it's one that they read. It may or may not have glow-in-the-dark vampires in it.

15. Ever written romance or angsty teen drama? Um, have you been listening? Glow-in-dark. Two left feet.

But really, most of my books have some romantic element in there.

16. What's your favorite setting for your characters? I tend to gravitate towards modern suburbia. I like the idea of all these wacky things happening in my hometown.

17. How many writing projects are you working on right now? Two. I'm doing edits on the No Pain sequel and slowly but surely starting Fangirls, my next book. I don't like to draft more than one at the same time, because my mind is chaotic enough as it is.

18. Have you ever won an award for your writing? I'd call publication a pretty freaking awesome award. But if you're talking real awards, I have to go all the way back to "The Beautiful Butterfly." Le sigh.

19. What are your five favorite words? Snarf, publication, snarfy publications, and publication-snarf.

20. What character have you created that is most like yourself? Probably Kate from No Pain, but I'm a lot sillier than she is. Really.

21. Where do you get ideas for your characters? I hate questions like this. I'd like to sic a rabid dog on them. I get ideas by doing this strange thing called "thinking." I wish there was some magic answer, but there isn't.

22. Do you ever write based on your dreams? No, but I sometimes dream about my books, which is kinda fun except when you're writing a lot of scenes with puking in them. Srsly.

23. Do you favor happy endings? I favor realistic endings. If it's realistic that the characters are happy, that's fine.

24. Are you concerned with spelling and grammar as you write? Obsessively. I edit as I go. For god's sake, I edit emails.

25. Does music help you write? Nope. I end up singing and dancing. It's hard to type and do that at the same time.

26. Quote something you've written. Whatever pops into your head.


Hey, that's what popped into my head.

Okay. Finally done. Now here's the deal. I'm going to ask you a simple question? Do you know what you're posting on your blog next? If not, you're officially tagged. You're welcome.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Holiday Awesomesauce

I am speechless. Scillius Maximus the Great (fo shizzle) made this for us. I shall let its awesomeness speak for itself.

The link is worth clicking. Trust me.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The 12 Days of Wacky Searches on Carrie's Blog

Remember a while back when I was the David Hasselhoff of Turkey? Well, now I'm apparently the Katie Couric of Michigan. I only get a few Turkish visitors each day, but four or five people visit my site looking for Katie Couric. I hate to break it to you, dudes, but she's not here.

Anyway, in honor of the holidays, I bring you the 12 Days of Wacky Searches on Carrie's Blog:

On the first day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the second day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the third day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me directions to make a stingray costume, a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me a wolf with scary eyebrows, directions to make a stingray costume, a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me a Richard Simmons rainbow puke image, a wolf with scary eyebrows, directions to make a stingray costume, a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me a rollerskating vampire, a Richard Simmons rainbow puke image, a wolf with scary eyebrows, directions to make a stingray costume, a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me underwater beefcakes, a rollerskating vampire, a Richard Simmons rainbow puke image, a wolf with scary eyebrows, directions to make a stingray costume, a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me a couple of holiday heinies, underwater beefcakes, a rollerskating vampire, a Richard Simmons rainbow puke image, a wolf with scary eyebrows, directions to make a stingray costume, a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me the WTF Blanket, a couple of holiday heinies, underwater beefcakes, a rollerskating vampire, a Richard Simmons rainbow puke image, a wolf with scary eyebrows, directions to make a stingray costume, a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Carrie's blog gave to me tampons used as a weapon, the WTF Blanket, a couple of holiday heinies, underwater beefcakes, a rollerskating vampire, a Richard Simmons rainbow puke image, a wolf with scary eyebrows, directions to make a stingray costume, a book about zombie computers, Muppets with braids, Miss Bimbo Twilight and the Katie Couric of Michigan.

So never say that I don't give you anything.

And yes. These really ARE searches that led people to my blog. Weird.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Richard Simmons on Whose Line

How is it possible that I haven't posted this?!?! I am a bad, bad person.

Bad Carrie. No biscuit.

Anyway, please sit back and enjoy the skit that made me a Richard Simmons fan for the rest of eternity.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Unofficial Official Agent Day

Today, if you haven't guessed from the title, is Unofficial Official Agent Day. This little baby is the brainchild of the uber-kewl Kody Keplinger, who has amazing talk-like-a-gangsta-skillz, along with a book concept that rocks the freaking casbah. The idea is that agents tend to get a lot of... well, CRAP. And it's Undeserved Crap. So a group of us wanted to take the time to show our agents how much we appreciate them.

On the count of three, everyone say, "Awwwww!"

But seriously? My agent, Kate Schafer Testerman, aka Daphne Unfeasible, is so darned kewl. Let me tell you why.

Kate sends me links for zombie plates, because she thinks I'll like them, and she's right! She knows to wish me a happy Halloween, because she knows it's my favorite holiday. She remembers the little things about me that only my close friends keep on top of, and that makes me feel awfully darned good. While we're in a business relationship, she keeps it friendly and low-key, and that's just how I like it. Some people like hoity-toity, but I'm not one of them.

She likes the name Daphne, which is one of my favorites. There's an unfortunate corrolary to this, though. Now I can't have a Daphne in my books. I already have a Kate, and I'm just lucky that I didn't make her a sniveling weenie.

She's fabulous at all the things that agents are supposed to do. She answers questions at ridiculous hours so I don't have to wait, negotiates one hell of a contract, and helps keep me sane. I suspect that this last one is harder than all her other duties put together.

The fact is that publishing is a hard business. Agents aren't in control of all this (see Undeserved Crap above), and I think they're affected by the lunacy just as much as writers are. It's important to have a good agent as well as an agent that's a good fit for you, because that makes the interminable waits, submission purgatory, and all the other publishing weirdness bearable. I am lucky enough to have both of these things.

(Note that I'm NOT blaming editors for things either! If you want to sling Deserved Crap, I think it needs to go to the amorphous God of Publishing, because it seems like a general process problem to me more than anything else. Editors get Undeserved Crap too.)

So thanks, Kate. Have some fabulous virtual shoes.

There's plenty more Unofficial Official agent love spreading through cyberspace today, kind of like a fungus only not really. Check out Lisa and Laura for the massive linkage.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I Feel So Freaking Kewl Now

OMG. I'm so thrilled that I've been reduced to using ridiculous abbreviations. My book. MY book is listed at Goodreads. And there are some people who are crazy enough to want to read it! I don't know most of these people, which actually makes it COOLER, because that means they aren't listing it because they're afraid I'll bite them if they don't express appropriate book-related appreciation... which of course I would do.

I'd like to meet them and kiss them. Except that it would probably freak them out, so maybe I'll just give them gifts. Like, um... brains. Or I gave Masonian the letter Z the other day, because he gave me a link to a zombie shirt. Sorry, people. You can no longer use Z without giving Masonian credit.

Anyone who lists No Pain, No Brain as a wishlist or to-read book on Goodreads can have a letter. You know you want one.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Zombies Doing Yoga

I got a copy of The Zen of Zombies for my birthday, courtesy of Scillius Maximus the Great (fo shizzle), and it is made of awesome. I totally would have shown up for this video. Warning that the zombies may be a little scary for younguns; there's some awesome makeup in this video.

I've been thinking about zombie themed ideas for when No Pain comes out. I'm thinking maybe Zombie Equestrian Events. You'd come to that, right?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Gifts That Make Me Snarf

Normally, I'm so organized. Normally, I'm done with Christmas shopping by now, or at least so close to done that I can gloat. Not this year.

But I figured that at the least, I could turn my Christmas foot-draggery into something that would work for YOU, my loving readers. (Awwww.) So here are a few brilliant ideas for that hard-to-please person on your list.

Forget the Snuggie (aka the WTF Blanket). Have you bought a Girlfriend Lap Pillow for that special someone on your list? Because they're made to feel like real legs, and nothing says I-love-you like dismembered legs.

Or show the woman you love how much you care by having someone make a Barbie that looks like her... if she was undead.

Of course, you all know that I really want one.

If you're really stuck, go for the default and buy some clothes. Like this Vampirism does not make stalking attractive t-shirt. Or if you're buying for someone with a serious masochistic streak, try the Pressure Points: A Guide to Killing Me shirt.

Yeah, I want those too.

If you're looking for something bigger, why not go for furniture? Show that special someone how much they mean to you. Buy them a chair that may at any time decide to eat them.

Yep. Want.

Or if you don't like that, how about a chair made out of stuffed panda bears?

The best part about this list is that I'm now done Christmas shopping. Slayer, I hope you like pandas.

Monday, December 7, 2009

WTF Monday - Now with More Random!

My son has been working diligently on his writing, which of course thrills me to no end. Last night, he sat down with pencil and paper to write a bunch of random words. He's at that stage where the words go down randomly on the page and without any spacing whatsoever, so you end up with lines like:
The dog is fat lip, Batmatman!

Carnut, go love! Ha, that hug!

I want to write a comic strip, just so I can create superheroes named Batmatman and Carnut, and put those lines in there. If only I could draw.

I've been thinking a lot about this Zombocalypse name thing. If you missed it, we were talking a while ago about needing a Zombocalypse name. In the movie Zombieland, they used names of cities, which I find kind of boring. And then the lovely KC suggested using the name of your favorite cartoon character followed by an action verb. I adore her for coming up with something workable, except that my Zombocalypse name would then be Tick Snarf. I'm not sure I can deal with that, but I like the formula. So I think there's going to be an option. You can either use KC's Fabulousness, or you can use your favorite nursery rhyme character combined with something violent.

Hence, mine is Little Bunny Kung Fu. Kiersten gets props for suggesting it.


So then, of course, I started thinking about all those silly name formulas. Like, if I was a gangsta (Yo!), I'd be Peanut Butter and Chocolate Heels (favorite ice cream, favorite shoe). If I was in Star Wars, my name would be Harcao (first three letters of last name, first two letters of first name, add O). If I was a hippie, my name would be Total Maple (what you ate for breakfast, favorite tree).

But the best one?

There are a few formulae for the adult film star name, but I like using the name of your first pet plus your mother's maiden name.

Mine? Superstar Rug.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Books! Challenges! Bad Poetry!

The Story Siren

I'm taking on the 2010 Debut Author Challenge, because I am kewl. The rules are so simple that even I can follow them: Read at least 12 books by debut authors in 2010. The best part? It's an excuse to get books.

I'm sorry in advance, Slayer.

It's going to be easy, though, because the debut awesomeness is plentiful. Here's what's on my list so far:
  • The Absolute Value of -1 by Steve Brezenoff
  • Tortilla Sun by Jennifer Cervantes
  • Wolves, Boys, and Other Things That Might Kill Me by Kristen Chandler
  • Nightshade by Andrea Cremer
  • Everlasting by Angie Frazier
  • Hex Hall by Rachel Hawkins
  • Guardian of the Dead by Karen Healey
  • The Deathday Letter by Shaun Hutchinson
  • Harmonic Feedback by Tara Kelly
  • The DUFF by Kody Keplinger
  • Other by Karen Kincy
  • The Witch’s Alphabet by Caitlin Kittredge
  • Princess for Hire by Lindsey Leavitt
  • Anna and the Boy Masterpiece by Stephanie Perkins
  • Paranormalcy by Kiersten White

Have I missed anything that you think is a must read?

In other news, I'm so far behind on haiku reviews that I've lost track entirely. But here are a few things that I've read lately that you might like if you're looking for something new and awesome:

Devil's Kiss by Sarwat Chadda
Add one girl Templar,
Fallen angels, cute boys,
And stir. Result? WOOT!

The Dreaming Volumes 1-3 by Queenie Chan
A quick read graphic
novel, bursting with cool
Australian myth

Scepter of the Ancients/Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy
I am now in love
with a sarcastic, gutsy
talking skeleton

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Muppet Bohemian Rhapsody

Frankly, I think this version is better than the original.

My favorite Muppet is Animal. I'm sure this says something about me. Like I'm a drummer and have the mental status of a five-year-old. And I have bright red facial hair.

We can't be right all the time, I guess.

With love,

Little Bunny Kung Fu
*Prepare for the Zombocalypse!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Carrie Harris Awards

I want to start my own awards show, with random, nonsensical awards that no one else gives out. For example, there's the Best Rolling Award. I was a dance minor in college, so obviously I'm really into that kind of thing. And every time I see the Australian Dance Theatre, they roll. Repeatedly. Kinda like this.

They'd also get the Best Kneepads Award.

The movie Behind Enemy Lines would get the Lifetime Achievement Award for Best Running. Have you seen it? If not, here's the trailer.

Okay, so that's about three minutes. What you missed is about an hour and a half of Owen Wilson running in slo mo, and sometimes at regular speed, y' know, for variety. Sometimes he runs in snow, sometimes in the woods. And eventually, he gets covered in mud. And runs.

And trust me, people. He's a damned good runner. That's why he gets the Lifetime Achievement Award.

I also want to give out the Best Hair Award, but I'm undecided about whether to give it to Richard Simmons or Princess Leia.

My hair is half my body weight.

If both my hands were tied behind my back, I could fire this gun with my bun.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Hollywood Bloodsuckers

This one is PG-13 for some cartoon violence and bleeped out language. Thus endeth the obligatory warning for peeps with kids.

I'd totally see Rockula in the theater. Have you all heard about Transylmania? I am all for any film with the slogan "College students. The other white meat." Definitely going to see it on the strength of that alone.

Slayer wants to take me shooting in the interest of gun safety. I told him that was fine as long as we found some place where people wouldn't look at me weird if I painted my targets to look like zombies and yelled, "Double tap!" after each shot. Or two shots, I guess.

That makes me think, which we all know is dangerous. In the movie Zombieland, all the humans gave themselves nicknames based on locations that mean something to them. In other words, the two guys were Tallahassee and Columbus. But really, I refuse to be known as, say, Cleveland. No, in the event of a zombocalypse, I want a name with style, a name that says something about me. I'm thinking Little Bunny Fu Fu, but I'm not entirely sure.

What would your zombocalypse name be?

Monday, November 30, 2009

WTF Monday - Now With Electricity!

Welcome back to Crazytown! Hope you enjoyed the vacation and didn't kill anyone. Or maim anyone. Pretty much anything that would land in jail.

The grandparents took our children for a night this past weekend, and Slayer and I went out on the town with a bunch of sexy Smurfs. Actually, I drank the Sexy Smurfs, and they had a very high alcohol content, which I discovered when I woke up the next morning with a headache. I'm not a big drinker, but I now have a new favorite drink.

Strike that. I have two favorite drinks. The Sexy Smurf and the Purple Hooter. If you put them together, I bet you'd get a drink that looks like grey sludge, but at least it would have an amusing and pervy name. Personally, I find anything with the words "Smurf" and "Hooter" in it to be freaking hilarious. Am I the only person who feels this way?

We also played a big game of Trivial Pursuit over the break, if by "big" you mean just me and Slayer playing for about two hours because we kept getting these craptastic questions. And I learned never to let my husband cook Thanksgiving dinner.

The question was: What holiday icon was electrified by Thomas Edison in year blah de blah? And I rolled my eyes, thinking this is way too obvious. I mean, the only electrified holiday icon I can think of is the Chrismas tree, right? But I nearly hurt myself when Slayer answered, "The turkey." All I could think of was him standing out in front of the house near the power lines, and this big BZZT! noise, and then him saying, "Honey! The turkey's done! It's raw in the middle, but nice and crispy on the outside."

So now, if you ever meet me in person, you can walk up to me and say, "BZZT!" and watch me giggle uncontrollably.

During that game, we also learned that it's impossible to do a Hannibal Lecter impression with a stuffed up nose, because you end up snerking uncontrollably. Words of wisdom from the Harris household.

I saw Boondock Saints 2 over the weekend. Not as good as the first one, but seeing as the first one is on my list of all time bests, that's not all that surprising.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Robot Chicken Star Wars

This right here is my Thanksgiving gift to you:

I have to add this to the list of things that I'm thankful for, along with ninjas, zombies, Richard Simmons, hairstyles that resemble baked goods, mutant wombats, book deals, the fact that my son does the Thriller dance at the bus stop, my critique partners, and Spam. Not that I like Spam, but there's that song, and Spam is great to keep around in the random gift box. I've made so many versions of Spam Man for people's birthdays that I could populate Spam City all by myself.

What are you thankful for?

Monday, November 23, 2009

Don't Take Me Seriously. Really.

I have a confession to make. I got a Gossip Girl book from the library, and then... wait for it... I read it. It's kind of like taking a pleasure walk in a lion's den or maybe running around in my underwear when a serial killer is on the loose. This kind of behavior is dangerous. It's just asking for trouble.

Yeah, I kinda liked the book. But before you conclude that I've been replaced by a pod person, let me remind you that I also love schlock TV if only because it's tres fun to talk smack at the screen. It's that kind of like.

The strange thing about Gossip Girl is that it breaks a lot of the "rules" of YA. We're told not to swear, and particularly to be careful of the dreaded F-bomb, in our YA mannies. If you use swear words, they need to be somehow necessary to the story you're telling. But characters in Gossip Girl swear about as often as they say the word "the." It's like being in some strange alternate reality when the Smurfs were replaced with the S--ts. I should write a book like that.

Papa S--t: Good morning, S--ts! It looks like today's going to be a s--tty day!

Goofy S--t: Good morning, Papa S--t! You're looking s--tty today!

And so on.

Attention people who represent me, work for my publisher, and those who may be tempted to burn me in effigy right now. I'm putting my mad skilz as a satirist to work today. Or to put it more bluntly: I'm not serious! I'm joking! Funny, huh?


There's enough sex, swearing, and random bad behavior in Gossip Girl to make a mommy's hair go white. And Gossip Girl is one of the best selling YA series out there. So, if you want to sell your books, make sure to put lots and lots of inappropriate things in them. Because that sells.

Although it sure does make you wonder what would happen if those "rules" about content in YA were done away with, doesn't it? Would we live in a world where Tally Youngblood drops constant F-bombs and spends most of her time in Prettytown getting Brazillians? Uh... probably not, because Tally isn't real. I had to remind myself of that for a second. Would Bella and her friends go co-ed skinny dipping at La Push instead of surfing? (La Push, baby! It's La Push!) I for one, think it's a great idea. We'd be teaching our kids bits of information that they'd actually use.


Friday, November 20, 2009


Sorry for the sudden silence! Although a few of you have emailed to ask if I'm fighting off the zombie hordes or sitting in a line to await a screening of New Moon (REALLY?), that's not the case.

My twins turn three today.

And thus we embark on a massive week-long celebration of their awesomeness. By "we" I mean our family and not this blog. Because I'm just not sure you want to hear my mama gushing. Anyway, it's sucking up a whole lotta time, but I promise to be back pre-Thanksgiving to give you plenty of ridiculousness to chew on with your turkey. Or Tofurkey. Or whatever.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

WTF Follow Up

Will it ruin yesterday's story if I say that the pictures were just, y'know, PICTURES? Normal pictures of people making funny faces with the tops of their heads chopped off (by the camera, not by a serial killer, which would be kinda not normal, even in my version of the world). Just normal pictures.

You can understand why I didn't specify that, can't you?

And I've realized the root of my bike troubles. The problem lies entirely with my parents. I blame my possessed exercise equipment totally on them. Because really, what do you expect when you name your daughter "Carrie Ann"? It could be worse, I guess. I could be Carol Anne instead.

This bike is cleah now.

I'm thankful for that, but I still don't have a choice. My name has a history that pretty much predisposes me to have Major Issues. Think about it. For me, Prom was an automatic wash.

I have heard every pig blood joke known to man.

And then there's the music. "Carrie" by Europe is pretty much enough to drive any sane person to ranting about zombie penguins.

What that video really needs is some dancing ninjas.

So thanks, Mom and Dad, for dooming me to a future full of possessed exercise equipment and bad prom jokes. And to all of you wandering spirits tempted to infest my Thighmaster, I give you this:

I don't have a Thighmaster, but I have a big freaking gun.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Random WTF Day

Thou asketh and thou receiveth. You wanted me to do more random WTF days. So just remember: you asked for this.

I think my exercise bike is possessed. It keeps turning itself on and beeping at me. It's like Christine, only with fewer wheels and a smaller intimidation factor. Anyone know how to exorcise a bike?

Yeah, that joke was probably too low even for me. But I still wanna know, because my bike really is doing that.

Today, I was thinking about how best friend and I became inseparable. We knew the same people but never really hung out until this one time that we were over at Mutual Friend's house. Mutual Friend found this stack of pictures in his basement, turned bright red, and took them upstairs before we could look at them. Then he left to pick up a pizza. I lasted about two seconds after he left, and then I said, "Those were totally naked pictures, weren't they?"

"They've got to be," said she.


And we sat there for about two more seconds before we jumped up in unison, raced each other up the stairs, and looked at the pictures. We've been best friends ever since.

But they weren't naked pictues, which is kind of disappointing. Not that I WANT to see my friends naked, just that it would be a much better story that way. Maybe I should just lie next time. What's important to me is that there's someone out there who gets me. Like she didn't think it was weird the year that I bought us both Spice Girl Barbie dolls, wrapped them, and opened mine and pretended it was a big surprise. I wouldn't have had to do it if Santa wasn't such a slacker.

I still have that doll. Although I brushed her hair once, and that was not a good idea. She looks less like Posh Spice and more like Morning After Spice now.

Yep. That's random alright.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Video

This one got me laughing so hard that I couldn't stop crying, and my kids kept asking what was wrong with me. As if that question could be answered succinctly.

Because really, it doesn't get much better than the dancing ninja.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I Laugh at Your Meanieheadedness, Universe!

The Universe is being a meaniehead, and I don't like it.

Yesterday, Slayer's car died, and this is not the kind of death in which the car eventually gets resurrected and performs the Thriller dance. That baby is D-E-D, dead. Of course, The Universe had to make this happen during the two month span that includes the Batson's birthday, my birthday, the twins' birthday, and Christmas. It HAD to wait until it was too cold to walk somewhere for my Friday morning tradition with the kids. It's going to take some creativity on my part to make Fun Friday fun this week.

So I got a little huffy about the whole situation, that is until I remembered to thumb my nose and laugh. I can laugh about nearly anything. In high school, I once served on the school planning committee with a bunch of teachers and principals and members of the school board. We spent three days locked up in a conference room, brainstorming and discussing and eating stale pastries. Somewhere around the middle of day two, our butts were seriously dragging, and I really wanted to fall asleep as the individual groups shared their "I believe" statements. Who comes up with that stuff? Do they honestly expect people to stay awake after an endless repetition of "I believe that all kids should get a good education." Because I believe that, but that doesn't mean that I want to hear seven hundred variations of that statement over the spanse of an hour.

Anyway, it got to my turn, and I stood up and said, "I believe that Elvis is alive and working at Super K."

If I can laugh at committees (and successfully crack Elvis jokes), I can totally laugh at you, Universe. So PBBT!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Read Like the Wind!

I've got so much to read and not a lot of time to do it, and that's killing me. I finished off Gil's All Fright Diner by A. Lee Martinez, and if I was to write a haiku review for this book, it would go something like:
Snarf. Snarf. Snarfy snarfsnarfsnarf.
Hah! Heh. Heh-heh. Hee.

So yeah. I thought it was pretty funny. And now I'm re-reading Mystic and Rider by Sharon Shinn, which is another birthday book that I got. It's fantasy with a little romance, but not so much that it makes me want to shove my finger down my throat, and it doesn't use the word "thrusting" anywhere except when referring to swords. So it fits my readability criteria when it comes to anything semi-romancey.

Scillius Maximus the Great gifted me a copy of The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead by Scott Kenemore, which makes me super tempted to change his name to Scillius Maximus the Really Great. I'm looking forward to putting my zombie zen to good use.

I also have a stack of library books, including The Reformed Vampire Support Group by Catherine Jinks, which I have been dying to read on the strength of the title alone. And last week, I finished Lips Touch by Laini Taylor, which was so good that it deserves another haiku review:
Oh, fabulousness!
Laini's so good; I want to
be her Padawan.

So now, I'm the unofficial, unrecognized, braidless Padawan of A. Lee Martinez and Laini Taylor. Hopefully, I will develop the power of the force. My first trick will be to stretch the day so that I actually have time to read.

What's in your to be read list?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Total Randomness - Butt Dial Style

I have no real idea what to write about today, so you know what that means: lots of WTF moments for you as you wonder what the heck I'm talking about.

My husband used to butt dial me all the time before he got a new phone. I don't know why, but the other day I was thinking that I really should write something about Butt Dialing Through the Centuries, because it's a little known phenomenon that was highly influential nonetheless. The butt dial telegraph alone was responsible for a lot of serious miscommunication and severe buttock malformations, not to mention the phrase "Is that a telegraph in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" And don't get me started on the butt dial rotary phone.

I saw a Snuggie for dogs at the store last night. Now, your dog can be a total social misfit just like you! I am waiting for them to come out with the WTF Blanket for Fish. If they make it, I promise to buy one. And my zombie penguin is in serious need of a WTF blanket. I think it's prejudicial to leave these traditionally underrepresented groups out of the WTF Blanket phenomenon. They too should have the opportunity to look like complete tards.

The other day, I gave myself a facial, so I was running around the house with this freaky looking clear goop on my face. I love this stuff, mostly because once it's dry, I get to rip my face off like the aliens in the old school version of V. (Anyone watching the new one?) Anyway, I sat down on the couch, waiting for my face to dry so I could rip it off and make funny alien noises into the mirror, and my daughter came up to me. She said, "Mommy, you are a beautiful zombie." And I was very flattered.

Only at my house.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Choppin' Broccoli

I got a chopper for my birthday. Of course, this is the first thing I thought of:

I'm going to the grocery store this morning, and I'm going to buy some broccoli. And then I'm going to bring it home. And then I'm going to chop it. Maybe if I'm lucky, someone will sing a song about me.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Fabulousness in Recap Form

The birthday was fab. Seriously. It started off with oodles of birthday wishes from all of youze. All of youze are good people. I've never felt popular before. So last night, I borrowed my daughter's princess crown and made myself prom queen. I figured your happy birthday wishes were de facto, retroactive votes.

Because they were, right?

Then, we went to see the Purdue marching band play at our high school, because our high school is kewl. And because it was my birthday weekend (and because I'm the prom queen), they played Thriller. It looked something like this.

The only real difference is that it was darker, and we were in a smaller stadium, and there was this crazy chick in a sparkly pink tiara who started shrieking and giggling at the beginning of the song and didn't stop until long after it was over. That chick may have been me.

And then? As if it couldn't get any better? I got a book with zombie cows in it. There was a bunch of other, intensely cool stuff, but I'd like to focus on the zombie cows. Because really, how cool is that? I think I'm in love now. Not in the I-want-to-marry-you-and-have-your-babies kind of way, because I'm quite happy with my ninja, thank you. But in an I'd-like-to-be-your-Padawan-but-only-if-I-don't-have-to-have-that-stupid-braid-that-looks-like-an-80s-rattail way.

Nooo! Anything but the braid!

Yes, A. Lee Martinez, I mean you. You write about zombie cows and yeti infestations in freezers and robots. I love you, man, and I'm saying that in the drunk and don't really mean it kind of way. If you have not discovered A. Lee Martinez, let me put it to you this way: He's in my Snarfalicious Hall of Fame. He's THAT funny. You should read his books, people. Srsly.

Although I should probably mention that there is some hubba hubba and some ouchie ouch. That would be sex and violence, for those of you no longer in preschool. But it's FUNNY sex and violence.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me!

So I feel a little lame throwing myself a finished my draft party followed by a birthday party, but I might as well embrace the lamocity. It's not like I can fight my natural tendencies, right? I want a party; my birthday is Sunday, so I'm throwing one. Right here. Right now.

*sound of crickets*

No no NO! This always happens to me. Like the time I planned this huge high school blowout graduation party at the lake, only the night before the party someone burnt down the porta potty, and then almost nobody came, possibly because they didn't want to pee in a slouchy, melted plastic potty. I'm not sure what the problem was. If they were truly my friends, they would have held it. For about five hours.

Come on, people! I'm turning 25, or at least that's what you get if you average my physical age with my mental age. And there are no slouchy potties anywhere at this party, unless you bring one yourself.

I've got a lot of things to celebrate, though. Honestly. There's the completion of the book draft, the fact that Delacorte hasn't realized that I'm a closet lunatic and hurriedly signed a restraining order, the birthday, and the fact that there were zombie penguins on Cartoon Network. I love zombie penguins. I have one sitting on my writing desk, looming down at me while I work. He's got one huge eye and one tiny eye. As of this moment, his name is Winky.

HE'S at my party. Don't you want to be? What party-rific news is out there? I know Lisa and Laura, Christine, and Corey are all celebrating book deals. Have you congratulated them yet? Lisa and Laura are even giving away a KINDLE, as if they could get any kewler.

I'm at the party. I am not deterred by a slouchy potty.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Hello. I Love You. Welcome to My Party.

I finished my book.

Okay, not entirely true. I finished this DRAFT. I still have ridiculous problems to fix, like the fact that I decided halfway through that X should be Y and the whole thing should be set in a world made out of cotton candy.

That last bit isn't true, but I wish it was.

Anyway, in honor of the finished draft, I'm throwing a party. You should come, girly man. That statement will make sense after you watch this video.

This means that we shall be back to my usual long-windedness, starting tomorrow. Thanks for bearing with me in the meantime.

I like bears. They should come to my party.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Apparently, I'm Dead

I died today.

I have one of those Google alert thingies, because I like knowing when people talk about me. Actually, scratch that. I like knowing when people say nice things about me. I think there should be a "nice things only" button on Google. Not that anyone has said anything particularly nasty about me to date, but I'm going to be a published author, and I think it's inevitable that someone somewhere is eventually going to call all the barf jokes in my book 'childish,' and then I will sit here and haughtily inform my computer that I'm NOT childish, and vomiting is a universal experience that we all share, young and old. And if they didn't have such a stick up their hoo hoo, maybe they'd understand that.

Of course, after that, I'll realize that I'm yelling at my computer, and that's pretty childish. So I'll have to concede the point.

Either way, that button would be awfully handy. Could you work on that Google? I'll use it when I'm not dead any more.

I have to admit that it was weird to get a Google alert about my own obituary. I read it. Partly because I know my friends ARE strange enough to submit my obit without my knowledge, and I think that would be pretty funny. (And childish!) And part of it is because I wanted to know more about the me that died. And then I started thinking about when I'm 90 and eventually go up to the big Zombieland in the sky, and some other Carrie Harris gets a Google Alert that their obituary is up, and how embarrassed they'll be to have the same name as a lunatic like me. I'm preemptively sorry, Carrie. Your name has a long tradition of childishness and zombie-related nonsense. I hope you'll carry on the tradition proudly. Lots of caffeine is very helpful in this pursuit.

Yeah, I think I might finish my book today, tomorrow at the latest. It's making me a little slappy. Can you tell?

For a dead chick, I'm awfully spry.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Death by Choking

Choking is always funny. Except when you're me, and you're a teenager, and you're at a restaurant, and this HUGE guy starts choking, and you have to give him the Heimlich, and he falls down on you. The good part about that story is that my dinner was free, but then again I was a teenager out with my boyfriends' family, so I probably wouldn't have had to pay anyway.

That's all for today. I promise more amusement as soon as I am done with this draft. I am so very ridiculously close. Yesterday, I wrote about spanking elephants and attack cyborgs. So anyway, I owe about a million emails and blog comments. If you're on that list, I apologize. Lots.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Tadpoles! Tadpoles Is the Winner!

That's a quote from Deep Thoughts, by the way.

Well. Halloween and the Batson's birthday (which are one and the same) went smashingly at Chez Harris. How about you? I don't necessarily expect you to celebrate my kid's birthday, because let's face it, that would be creepy. But how was your Halloween?

I think my favorite costume sighting was the basketball playing, serial killer leprechaun. I was 80s era Madonna. I wanted to be Zed-donna, the undead 80s pop star, but my girls took one look at the picture on the makeup package and started to cry. So maybe next year.

Now, while I broke your brains en masse by running two contests right in a row, I did get some freaking hilarious entries. Here are some of my favorites:

Wuthering Forks: I Know You're Depressed, but You Wander the Forests After Your Undead Boyfriend Dumps You at Your Own Peril - Andrea Creamer

The Tell-Tale Heart: Interpreting Bella’s Coronary Broadcasts - Masonian

Frankenbella: Sparkly Monsters and the Men Who Make Them - Jamie Eyberg

But the one that made me laugh the hardest is undoubtedly Girl With One Eye's entry:
To Kill a Mockingbird, a Grizzly and Mountain Lion…but Not My Girlfriend

Huzzah, Girl with One Eye! Sendeth me thine address, and I shall impart upon you some fairies that are mucusy and shovely.

And I promise not to sprain your brains further... at least for a while.

Last but not least: good luck to you NaNoers. I completed my first novel during 2002 NaNo. It will never see the light of day, but it convinced me that I could actually finish something That. Freaking. Long. Anyway, I am cheering you on. Vociferously, even.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Ask a Zombie - The Answers (Kinda)

Alright. I've got my spokeszombie here, and we're ready to answer all your questions. Whee!

The first question of utmost importance is from Candice, who wants to know who will win the next Nobel Peace Prize. Spokeszombie, what do you think?

Um... why are you singing? You're supposed to answer the question, dude.

Hey! I'm talking to--

Okay. I need a new spokeszombie. And I'm looking for references.

This post is courtesy of my computer, that took a half hour to boot up this morning. I honestly did not intend to wuss out. And my crappy spokeszombie didn't help either. Any of you know of any good zombies that I could use to answer questions? I'm also willing to zombiefy a celebrity...

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Ask a Zombie!

In honor of Halloween, my favoritest holiday ever, I thought you might like some advice. Not from me. I mean, really; I think that zombie penguins are the awesome-est. Who in their right mind would ask ME for advice?

Luckily, I have a stable of zombies in my backyard, and they're chock full of good information. What do you want to know? Ask a question in the comments, and my spokeszombie will answer it for you. It's particularly good at questions of worldwide importance that require deep thoughts.

Yes, I called the zombie "it." I don't know if it's a male or female. I respect its privacy.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - A Ninja Pays Half My Rent

This is kinda what it's like to live with a ninja. Kinda.

My poor darlings, are you all Twilighted out? Have I sprained your brain, put your synapses into relapses? I didn't mean to.

After the fabulousness that was last week's Rename Twilight contest, I'm worried that I've hurt you. Because that's the only explanation that I can think of... otherwise why are there so few entries to the Twilight Mashup contest? Because really, I cannot believe you can't come up with a new title for Twilight plus Curious George. Or Twilight plus Alice in Wonderland. Or Twilight plus Goodnight Moon.

Yeah, I'm totally calling you out. But I'm doing it nicely. :)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Signs, Signs, Everywhere There's Signs (Missing Letters)

Signs that are missing letters make me laugh so hard. I think I've already mentioned my Favorite Missing Letter Sign of All Time: The Red Oof Inn. I want to stay at the Red Oof Inn every time I travel. Because Red Oofs make it easier to sleep at night.

There was also a sign that I used to pass on my way to work every morning, way back in the day when I worked with Mad Cow Disease and collected brains as a part of my daily business. (Collect the whole set! Trade 'em with your friends!) There was a sign that said "Big Chicken F - $0.99!" I'm not sure what a Chicken F is, but even the big ones are cheap. That sign was down the road from the sign that said, "Bam! Scampies! Scampies!" That one's not missing any letters, but it's still freaking perplexing.

Anyway, in honor of my signs missing letters fetish, I thought I'd give you these:

You're welcome.

And please don't forget to visit our latest and greatest contest! Make a piece of classic literature a little more Twilighty and win a book!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Rename Twilight: The REAL Rezultz... and Another Contest

Honestly? I'm kind of happy that you all are as torn as I was when it comes to renaming Twilight. Because I felt like a total waffler when I couldn't decide between the two finalists. (Waffler = person who waffles, natch.) So thank you for reassuring me that the problem is not my inability to make a decision; it's the fact that the finalists were Just. That. Good.

Sooo... your votes were pretty much split. And I have more than one book (that would be a copy of Shadows and Light, in which my short story "Revenge of the Mucus Shovel Fairy" appears). I originally debated giving them both books, but I was worried about the waffle thing. Not that I have a problem with waffles, because they are good with syrup, but I worried that if I became known as a waffler, it was inevitable that people would think that I'M good with syrup too.

And that would be bad.

But after the neck and neck vote in which many of you said that they're both so good that you needed to resort to scientific methods like eenie-meenie-meinie-moe, I've got to give them both books. I'm sorry if this is anticlimactic, but it seems like the right thing to do.

Sooo... the two new titles for Twilight are:
Too Great Expectations: How to Make Sure No Guy, Ever, is Good Enough. Ever. - sraasch

Because Buffy Had Too Much Backbone - CKHB

Ladies, please be sending me emailage with your address, and I'll send you the book. I'll even SIGN them, which is probably more exciting for me than it is for you.

Now I've got one book left, so we're doing one more contest. I only have one book left, so there will need to be ONE winner. Take pity on me. Submit such a fabulous entry that I have no choice but to pick you. Kay? Thanks in advance.

This time, I want you to insert something Twilighty into another book, and give me the new title. For example, you could do Bella + Pride and Prejudice = Pride and Klutziness: How Mr. Darcy Got Sick of Bella Stomping on His Feet All the Time, So He Married Caroline Bingley and Everyone Was Miserable.

Bring on your Twilight Mashups! Post them in the comments below before Friday, 10/30 at noon EST. I will select a winner (ONE FREAKING WINNER) on Monday. That person will win the final copy of Shadows and Light. There's mucus in it. And shovels. And fairies.

You can't resist, can you?

Enter as many times as you like, and if you've won one of my contests before, no worries. Oh, and I don't mind shipping overseas, since I know there was some question about that before.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Rename Twilight - Da Rezultz

You people are funny. I am sending you all imaginary books. I would send you all real books, but then I'd be forced to become a nudist because I wouldn't be able to afford clothes. Or laundry. And you wouldn't want to subject the world to THAT, would you?

I think part of the allure of the Rename Twilight Contest is that there's so much to work with. We all know that I respect Stephenie Meyer for getting people to read, but if you're inclined to be a little silly (and we all know that I am), there's a lot to laugh at. In my favorite entries, you lampooned the high sparkle quotient, as Masonian did so well in his "When Sparkles Attack: a Love(ish) Story." There were a lot of entries that poked fun at Bella, like "Scent of a Wuss" by Barb and "I'm Plain, Clumsy And My Parents Don't Care About Me But Every Guy Wants Me For Some Ungodly Reason That My Tiny Little Brain Can't Comprehend" from Mireyah Wolfe. There's the inevitable lolcat takeoff (because we all know how much I love lols): "I Can Haz Bella" from Larissa. There's the uber witty "The Apple Has Nothing To Do With Anything" from Emilee, and the self-help version "What To Do When Your Boyfriend Thinks You're Food" by Valerie.

And then, there are my two finalists.

Too Great Expectations: How to Make Sure No Guy, Ever, is Good Enough. Ever. - sraasch

Because Buffy Had Too Much Backbone - CKHB

I cannot choose between them. (Yeah, I'm wussing out. Deal with it.) So I'm going to turn it over to you. Which one do you like better? The winner will get a copy of the book. The runner up will get random swag from me. I think I still have some fold your own Cthulhu around here somewhere.

And EVERYONE needs a fold your own Cthulhu.

Sing out in the comments, peepuls. And if you didn't win this one, stay tuned, because I'll be giving away another one next week. Whee!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

La La La

I apologize in advance, because I'm going to keep this short and sweet today. Please, everyone, stop crying. There's no need to throw yourself out windows; that's going a little too far even if they are first floor windows and there's a bush right outside to break your fall. See, I've got two reasons to keep from writing a saga today.

First, because I've got to sit around for a while and ponder the entries to the Rename Twilight contest. It closes today at noon EST. You've got a couple of hours left, and I do not have a favorite yet! Not even close, frankly. So please! Enter! Make my life harder! I'm as tough as Princess Leia; I can take it!

The second reason is one that I'm really excited about. See, I'm cooking on the No Pain sequel. COOKING, I tell you. And today, I plan to get a lot of words on paper. The sooner I do this, the sooner you will be able to read Kate's adventures with defective corpses, flirty nurses, and bath mats made out of back hair. And you know you want to read them. So, tune in tomorrow for the contest results.

Sparkle sparkle sparkle.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

In Which Celebrities Fight Over Me

Apparently, there is some resistance to the idea of me being the David Hasselhoff of Turkey. Most of this resistance comes from my husband, who is permanently scarred by the picture of my face, the Hoff's body, and a speedo. We're considering therapy.

But honestly, I'm not sure what the problem is. It could be worse. I could have decided to be the Marilyn Manson of Turkey. (He has flipped me out ever since I saw him in concert, opening up for someone I actually WANTED to see. I will not tell you what he did on stage, but he was dressed in a black speedo. Ugh. Even that is too much; I'm starting to have flashbacks. Moving on.) I could have decided to be a lot of things that aren't the Marilyn Manson of Turkey.

Like, you could be the Richard Simmons of Turkey.

Well, yes, if I could find the right shorts, but--

You should be the Batman of Turkey. My wardrobe is better.

Well, now that you're nipple-less again, I have to admit that it's pretty flattering, but--

Are you kidding?!? I don't see a single sparkle in sight. And sparkles are good for you. They made Edward live forever, right?

I cannot deny the power of the sparkle.

Your sparkles are wussy.

Oooh. Them's fighting words.

That's it, Batman. Put up your dukes.

Uh... guys? There's no need to fight.

If you two don't shut up, I'm going to shoot you.

Sheesh. Okay, I guess the only thing left to do is take bets. In a fight between Richard Simmons, Batman, and Princess Leia, who are you putting your pretend money on?

And have you entered the Rename Twilight contest yet? It closes on Thursday at noon, and the competition is wide open. There are so many hilarious entries; why don't you put one in too?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Carrie, the Red-Mask-Wearing Airhead

I think that the impressions you can do really say a lot about you. For example, there is my friend, the Electic Lovitz. I know I've already told you about him, but let's sum up. His best impressions are:
  • The King of Munchkinland, but only if he's in an adult situation
  • Forrest Gump as the bad guy from Silence of the Lambs
  • Jon Lovitz, thankfully not in either Silence of the Lambs or an adult situation, because I think if I heard that my head would explode

It's clear that the man has issues. Issues other than being friends with me, I mean.

And then, there's me. I pretty much suck at impressions, but there are two that I do passably. (Okay, okay, one that I do really well, and the other that I do passably.) My impressions are:
  • A Valley Girl (fer sure!)
  • Strong Bad

I'm not quite sure what this means. It COULD mean that I am a red-mask-wearing airhead.

But I'm sure that's not accurate. I mean, if I was a red-mask-wearing airhead, I'd know it, right? RIGHT?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Big Bang Theory

This is one of the funniest things on television. Ever. But then again, it's about geeks, and we all know that geeks are my people, so maybe I'm biased.


This is my life. In fact, I'm going straight to iTunes after this so I can buy Eye of the Tiger. I plan to play it when I write. It'll go something like this:
Me: I'm going to write!

*Eye of the Tiger plays in the background.*

Spider on wall: *looks unimpressed*

It would be a lot cooler if I had a camera person. Oh well.

Have you entered the Rename Twilight contest? Or if you're not a contest entering sort of person, have you at least read the entries and snarfed liquid out your nose? Because you should. Competition is fierce, but there's still plenty of time to enter. Like until Thursday, even.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Do! With Olives!

Okay, first you MUST visit the Rename Twilight Contest. Even if you entered already. Because I think it's impossible to be in a bad mood whilst reading the sparkly awesomeness you all have created. Seriously, I've been giggling uncontrollably for the past fifteen minutes.

Now, on to the new and entirely random.

I'm still getting all those visitors from Turkey. And no, Witzl, it's not just you, unless you have your computer set up in the back of a jeep, kind of like Christian Slater in Pump Up the Volume, and you're broadcasting your pirate sounds from various cities all over the wonderful nation of Turkey. To my blog.

Blog hard, people. Blog hard.

But seriously? I hope you're not doing that. That would be freaky. Like Edward stalker level freaky.

Anyway, I have decided that, because I am such a big hit in Turkey, I ought to capitalize on this. I have a new goal in life.

I want to be the David Hasselhoff of Turkey.

Don't think it'll work? Take a good look at this.

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Your eyes are bleeding now, aren't they? But it's strangely beautiful at the same time.

Besides, I could totally do this. Look out Hoff, here comes the Harr!

Do! With olives!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Whee! It's a Contest!

I was going to hold off on doing this contest thingy, but I'm feeling all Scrooge-after-the-ghosts-have-left. I want to give something away. No, it's not Christmas dinner.

Anyway, some of you may remember me talking a lot about the Mucus Shovel Fairy a while back. Kiersten first mentioned her in one of her tweets, something about how she was so stuffed up that she felt like she'd been hit in the face by the Mucus Shovel Fairy.

"Oooh." I tweeted back. "I wanna write a story about that. CanIcanIcanI?"

(Total aside: Are you friends with me on Twitter? I'm @carrharr. We should totally be friends so you can give me story ideas too.)

To make this long and tedious story into a short and tedious story, I wrote "Revenge of the Mucus Shovel Fairy." It's now available in the Shadows and Light anthology. You can buy it, or you can win a copy right here on this very blog! I'll even sign it, because I'm kewl like that.

Mucus. Shovels. You know you can't resist.

So how do you win? Simple. Give me your best alternate titles for Twilight. The more ridiculous, the better. (I kinda like ridiculous things. Hmm... you don't seem surprised.) Post them in the comments, as many as you want. And yes, you can enter even if you've won one of my other contests, because the Mucus Shovel Fairy is universal. You have until noon EST next Thursday. That would be October 22, 2009 for those of you in a time warp, or doing the Time Warp in which case why didn't you invite me because I find that dance very funny.

Bring me your sparkly, your marble-faced, your klutzy highschoolers yearning to be loved by stalkerish vampires. Set them loose in the comments. Win kewl stuff.

You know you want to.

Oh, and I'm planning to post the winner on the 23rd. Unless I get struck by lightning between now and then, in which case all bets are off.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Costumes That Don't Scare Your Bleeps Off

I have a problem.

I have this same problem every year, or at least every year since my kids came along. You know I'm all about the Halloween costumes. One year, pre-kid, I dressed up like a slasher film cheerleader. I had a cutesy cheerleader costume, complete with ribbons in the hair, and a cut throat. And I bought the biggest bottle of fake blood I could find and spilled it all over myself.

It was an AWESOME costume. To this day, I get all sentimental whenever I see giant sized bottles of fake blood.

I was driving to a Halloween party, and singing along with the music in my car, when I looked over to see the old couple in the car next to me. They pretty much had simultaneous heart attacks and drove off the road.

They were fine, but explaining to the police was pretty priceless.

Anyway, now that I've got young children, I'm forced to pass up on some pretty spectacular costume ideas because they'd give my two year old twins a heart attack (but not make them drive off the road, because obviously they're not allowed to drive ON the road... duh). For example, I had the most awesome idea yesterday. Ready?

Raggedy Antoinette.

I could do a KILLER costume based on that idea, if it weren't for the fact that it would give my poor children beheadding nightmares for the foreseeable future. Zombie-tubby. Another idea I am forced to pass up. Cluck Skellington. See above.

All my best ideas are unusable. So what are you going to be for Halloween? Or if you're not dressing up, what would you be if you were more motivated? ;)

Come on, people. I need child-compatible inspiration here.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - The WTF Blanket

You've probably already seen this, but it's too good to pass up. (Insert obligatory warning about language--it's bleeped but is still PG-13 on the Carrie scale.)

Strangely enough, this commercial kind of makes me want to buy one of those blankets. Not to use it. Just to say that I have one.

Okay, so there's something that has been puzzling me. I am apparently a HUGE hit in Turkey. (I know someone somewhere now has the intense urge to gobble, and I feel compelled to say to you: Not WITH turkeys, you idiot, IN Turkey. As in the country.) I am not sure exactly what I've said that appeals to the Turkish audience. Is Turkey the secret heart of the merpire revolution? Do Turkish people have an intense love for all that is sparkly? Is Richard Simmons the International Spokesperson of Turkey!?!

Turkey. It does a body good. Kind of like milk, but different.

Richard, my darling. We're talking about Turkey the country, not turkey the food.

Oh. Well, I still like Turkey. The Hittites, you know. And fezes! Fezesese? What the heck is the plural of fez? Anyway, I could totally be their spokesperson.

But... but... you're MY spokesperson. And I fully agree that Turkey rocks the casbah. Not only does it seem like a beautiful country, but it also inspired that song by They Might Be Giants. And really, it doesn't get much better than THAT. But please, Richard. Please don't go.


Turkey, you are too kewl for me. The math is clear:

Turkey's kewlness level > Carrie's kewlness level

Although I still want to know why I'm such a big hit there.