Today, I have the pleasure of hosting my friend and fellow bacon fiend Elana Johnson, whose book SURRENDER came out on Tuesday. I have one thing to say about SURRENDER--I loved POSSESSION...but this one's even better. Like, holy crapsticks levels of awesomeness. Burn the dinner levels of awesomeness.
The food, I will make you burn it.
You get the point.
Now, Elana and I decided to do something a little different with this post, because we are insane. So we co-wrote this. It's the most fun I've ever had writing a blog post. Leave a comment to be entered to win a bunch of awesome signed second books, and then head on over to Elana's blog
for lots more chances to win!
And without further ado....I give you an epic battle of snark...between the Hoff and Adam Lambert.
So you’re lost in the world of SURRENDER. It’s dark. There
are strange noises buzzing overhead—the sound of hoverboards. Silver buildings
tower, and then wide stretches of green space leave you exposed. You feel like
someone’s poking around inside your mind—because they are. There’s a wall
around the city of Freedom, and a body of water so wide you know you’ll
collapse before you can swim across it.
You can’t escape.
An alarm sounds just as you round a corner—and see two
people waiting to guide you through the perils of Freedom.
and Adam Lambert.
Which would you
choose to lead you through the world of SURRENDER? Here’s some information
to help you decide.
Adam: My hair is
so wickedly cool that no one will stop to stare at that, um, beaver (points to
the Hoff’s head) hairdo. The less people looking at us, the better, trust me.
My guyliner alone is enough to make anyone who looks our way duck their head
and scurry along.
I also wear this super-sharp pinkie file ring, and Thinkers
bleed just as much as the rest of us… Just sayin’.
The Hoff: Don’t
call me Beaver Hair, Prettyface McSparklepants! They love my hair in Germany.
Oh yeah. The guide thing. Of course you should pick me. No
way are you going to make it through the city unnoticed by the Thinkers. I’ll
get crowned Miss Badlands before that happens. We’ll stir up the populace with
our cult of personality! And our singing skills! And our chest hair! And then
we’ll escape in all the confusion. Those Thinkers won’t know WHAT to think.
This ain’t Germany, my friend.
The Hoff: Sparkle
sparkle blah blah blah. I can’t hear you; your clothes are too loud.
Questions Adam and the Hoff have answered to help you make
1. How fast can you
Adam: My leather pants look like wheels when I can run so fast. Blurred like wheels. And my hair still looks good when I arrive.
The Hoff: This dude has it all wrong; anybody can run fast. And
leather pants CHAFE. Do you plan to stop mid-chase to apply ointment? I can run
in SLOW MOTION. It’s an essential skill that adds tension to chase scenes,
especially if you’re wearing a bathing suit. But don’t worry. I’ve got that
part covered. Or uncovered, if you get what I’m sayin’.
2. Do you need a map
or do you have the city memorized?
The Hoff: Who do you think I am, Dora? The Hoff needs no
map. The Hoff has a GPS the size of a car. Actually, it is a car. Who needs
hoverboards when you have KITT?
Adam: No car needed here. I have a map of Freedom tattooed on my chest and
back—which is hairless, unlike some people I know.
3. What special
equipment do you have to aid the escape?
Adam: Guyliner (instantly altering our appearance—we’ll
blend easier), leather (we can suck on it for nutrients if it comes to that),
loads of jewelry (flashes under lights—can blind anyone chasing us), and a
voice that can bring the masses to their knees. In this world, you totally need
a great voice—and I have that.
The Hoff: Well, I have cheeseburgers. Protein’s essential
for muscle growth and fighting off bad guys. And my car is a robot! How cool is
that? KITT is impervious to mind control AND there are cup holders. We don’t
want to get dehydrated while evading pursuit during a high speed chase. Don’t
worry; KITT can drive itself so we can taunt the bad guys out the window while
we hydrate and eat our burgers.
And will somebody tell me what guyliner is so I can make fun
of him for it?
4. Why should I pick
you over your opponent? What’s their greatest weakness?
The Hoff: I have chest hair that’s tougher than this guy.
In fact, my
chest hair challenges him to a duel. That’s right, people. MY CHEST HAIR CAN
TALK. AND IT IS CALLING YOU OUT, ADAM CAMEMBERT OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.
I see your chest hair challenge and raise you four
I doubt you’d even know how to put this thing on, Mr. I-Run-In-Slow-Motion-And-Dazzle-People-With-My-Chest-Hair.
If all you’ve got is an 80s robot car and chest hair, you won’t make it ten
inches—unless you can get your chest hair to uncurl. It’ll probably stretch
So. Who would you
pick to lead you through the world of SURRENDER?
Your survival depends on one of these two people! Who do you pick? Leave a comment below to be entered to win, and uber, mega, bacony thanks to Elana for stopping by!