Monday, November 30, 2009

WTF Monday - Now With Electricity!

Welcome back to Crazytown! Hope you enjoyed the vacation and didn't kill anyone. Or maim anyone. Pretty much anything that would land in jail.

The grandparents took our children for a night this past weekend, and Slayer and I went out on the town with a bunch of sexy Smurfs. Actually, I drank the Sexy Smurfs, and they had a very high alcohol content, which I discovered when I woke up the next morning with a headache. I'm not a big drinker, but I now have a new favorite drink.

Strike that. I have two favorite drinks. The Sexy Smurf and the Purple Hooter. If you put them together, I bet you'd get a drink that looks like grey sludge, but at least it would have an amusing and pervy name. Personally, I find anything with the words "Smurf" and "Hooter" in it to be freaking hilarious. Am I the only person who feels this way?

We also played a big game of Trivial Pursuit over the break, if by "big" you mean just me and Slayer playing for about two hours because we kept getting these craptastic questions. And I learned never to let my husband cook Thanksgiving dinner.

The question was: What holiday icon was electrified by Thomas Edison in year blah de blah? And I rolled my eyes, thinking this is way too obvious. I mean, the only electrified holiday icon I can think of is the Chrismas tree, right? But I nearly hurt myself when Slayer answered, "The turkey." All I could think of was him standing out in front of the house near the power lines, and this big BZZT! noise, and then him saying, "Honey! The turkey's done! It's raw in the middle, but nice and crispy on the outside."

So now, if you ever meet me in person, you can walk up to me and say, "BZZT!" and watch me giggle uncontrollably.

During that game, we also learned that it's impossible to do a Hannibal Lecter impression with a stuffed up nose, because you end up snerking uncontrollably. Words of wisdom from the Harris household.

I saw Boondock Saints 2 over the weekend. Not as good as the first one, but seeing as the first one is on my list of all time bests, that's not all that surprising.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Robot Chicken Star Wars

This right here is my Thanksgiving gift to you:

I have to add this to the list of things that I'm thankful for, along with ninjas, zombies, Richard Simmons, hairstyles that resemble baked goods, mutant wombats, book deals, the fact that my son does the Thriller dance at the bus stop, my critique partners, and Spam. Not that I like Spam, but there's that song, and Spam is great to keep around in the random gift box. I've made so many versions of Spam Man for people's birthdays that I could populate Spam City all by myself.

What are you thankful for?

Monday, November 23, 2009

Don't Take Me Seriously. Really.

I have a confession to make. I got a Gossip Girl book from the library, and then... wait for it... I read it. It's kind of like taking a pleasure walk in a lion's den or maybe running around in my underwear when a serial killer is on the loose. This kind of behavior is dangerous. It's just asking for trouble.

Yeah, I kinda liked the book. But before you conclude that I've been replaced by a pod person, let me remind you that I also love schlock TV if only because it's tres fun to talk smack at the screen. It's that kind of like.

The strange thing about Gossip Girl is that it breaks a lot of the "rules" of YA. We're told not to swear, and particularly to be careful of the dreaded F-bomb, in our YA mannies. If you use swear words, they need to be somehow necessary to the story you're telling. But characters in Gossip Girl swear about as often as they say the word "the." It's like being in some strange alternate reality when the Smurfs were replaced with the S--ts. I should write a book like that.

Papa S--t: Good morning, S--ts! It looks like today's going to be a s--tty day!

Goofy S--t: Good morning, Papa S--t! You're looking s--tty today!

And so on.

Attention people who represent me, work for my publisher, and those who may be tempted to burn me in effigy right now. I'm putting my mad skilz as a satirist to work today. Or to put it more bluntly: I'm not serious! I'm joking! Funny, huh?


There's enough sex, swearing, and random bad behavior in Gossip Girl to make a mommy's hair go white. And Gossip Girl is one of the best selling YA series out there. So, if you want to sell your books, make sure to put lots and lots of inappropriate things in them. Because that sells.

Although it sure does make you wonder what would happen if those "rules" about content in YA were done away with, doesn't it? Would we live in a world where Tally Youngblood drops constant F-bombs and spends most of her time in Prettytown getting Brazillians? Uh... probably not, because Tally isn't real. I had to remind myself of that for a second. Would Bella and her friends go co-ed skinny dipping at La Push instead of surfing? (La Push, baby! It's La Push!) I for one, think it's a great idea. We'd be teaching our kids bits of information that they'd actually use.


Friday, November 20, 2009


Sorry for the sudden silence! Although a few of you have emailed to ask if I'm fighting off the zombie hordes or sitting in a line to await a screening of New Moon (REALLY?), that's not the case.

My twins turn three today.

And thus we embark on a massive week-long celebration of their awesomeness. By "we" I mean our family and not this blog. Because I'm just not sure you want to hear my mama gushing. Anyway, it's sucking up a whole lotta time, but I promise to be back pre-Thanksgiving to give you plenty of ridiculousness to chew on with your turkey. Or Tofurkey. Or whatever.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

WTF Follow Up

Will it ruin yesterday's story if I say that the pictures were just, y'know, PICTURES? Normal pictures of people making funny faces with the tops of their heads chopped off (by the camera, not by a serial killer, which would be kinda not normal, even in my version of the world). Just normal pictures.

You can understand why I didn't specify that, can't you?

And I've realized the root of my bike troubles. The problem lies entirely with my parents. I blame my possessed exercise equipment totally on them. Because really, what do you expect when you name your daughter "Carrie Ann"? It could be worse, I guess. I could be Carol Anne instead.

This bike is cleah now.

I'm thankful for that, but I still don't have a choice. My name has a history that pretty much predisposes me to have Major Issues. Think about it. For me, Prom was an automatic wash.

I have heard every pig blood joke known to man.

And then there's the music. "Carrie" by Europe is pretty much enough to drive any sane person to ranting about zombie penguins.

What that video really needs is some dancing ninjas.

So thanks, Mom and Dad, for dooming me to a future full of possessed exercise equipment and bad prom jokes. And to all of you wandering spirits tempted to infest my Thighmaster, I give you this:

I don't have a Thighmaster, but I have a big freaking gun.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Random WTF Day

Thou asketh and thou receiveth. You wanted me to do more random WTF days. So just remember: you asked for this.

I think my exercise bike is possessed. It keeps turning itself on and beeping at me. It's like Christine, only with fewer wheels and a smaller intimidation factor. Anyone know how to exorcise a bike?

Yeah, that joke was probably too low even for me. But I still wanna know, because my bike really is doing that.

Today, I was thinking about how best friend and I became inseparable. We knew the same people but never really hung out until this one time that we were over at Mutual Friend's house. Mutual Friend found this stack of pictures in his basement, turned bright red, and took them upstairs before we could look at them. Then he left to pick up a pizza. I lasted about two seconds after he left, and then I said, "Those were totally naked pictures, weren't they?"

"They've got to be," said she.


And we sat there for about two more seconds before we jumped up in unison, raced each other up the stairs, and looked at the pictures. We've been best friends ever since.

But they weren't naked pictues, which is kind of disappointing. Not that I WANT to see my friends naked, just that it would be a much better story that way. Maybe I should just lie next time. What's important to me is that there's someone out there who gets me. Like she didn't think it was weird the year that I bought us both Spice Girl Barbie dolls, wrapped them, and opened mine and pretended it was a big surprise. I wouldn't have had to do it if Santa wasn't such a slacker.

I still have that doll. Although I brushed her hair once, and that was not a good idea. She looks less like Posh Spice and more like Morning After Spice now.

Yep. That's random alright.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Total Eclipse of the Heart Literal Video

This one got me laughing so hard that I couldn't stop crying, and my kids kept asking what was wrong with me. As if that question could be answered succinctly.

Because really, it doesn't get much better than the dancing ninja.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I Laugh at Your Meanieheadedness, Universe!

The Universe is being a meaniehead, and I don't like it.

Yesterday, Slayer's car died, and this is not the kind of death in which the car eventually gets resurrected and performs the Thriller dance. That baby is D-E-D, dead. Of course, The Universe had to make this happen during the two month span that includes the Batson's birthday, my birthday, the twins' birthday, and Christmas. It HAD to wait until it was too cold to walk somewhere for my Friday morning tradition with the kids. It's going to take some creativity on my part to make Fun Friday fun this week.

So I got a little huffy about the whole situation, that is until I remembered to thumb my nose and laugh. I can laugh about nearly anything. In high school, I once served on the school planning committee with a bunch of teachers and principals and members of the school board. We spent three days locked up in a conference room, brainstorming and discussing and eating stale pastries. Somewhere around the middle of day two, our butts were seriously dragging, and I really wanted to fall asleep as the individual groups shared their "I believe" statements. Who comes up with that stuff? Do they honestly expect people to stay awake after an endless repetition of "I believe that all kids should get a good education." Because I believe that, but that doesn't mean that I want to hear seven hundred variations of that statement over the spanse of an hour.

Anyway, it got to my turn, and I stood up and said, "I believe that Elvis is alive and working at Super K."

If I can laugh at committees (and successfully crack Elvis jokes), I can totally laugh at you, Universe. So PBBT!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Read Like the Wind!

I've got so much to read and not a lot of time to do it, and that's killing me. I finished off Gil's All Fright Diner by A. Lee Martinez, and if I was to write a haiku review for this book, it would go something like:
Snarf. Snarf. Snarfy snarfsnarfsnarf.
Hah! Heh. Heh-heh. Hee.

So yeah. I thought it was pretty funny. And now I'm re-reading Mystic and Rider by Sharon Shinn, which is another birthday book that I got. It's fantasy with a little romance, but not so much that it makes me want to shove my finger down my throat, and it doesn't use the word "thrusting" anywhere except when referring to swords. So it fits my readability criteria when it comes to anything semi-romancey.

Scillius Maximus the Great gifted me a copy of The Zen of Zombie: Better Living Through the Undead by Scott Kenemore, which makes me super tempted to change his name to Scillius Maximus the Really Great. I'm looking forward to putting my zombie zen to good use.

I also have a stack of library books, including The Reformed Vampire Support Group by Catherine Jinks, which I have been dying to read on the strength of the title alone. And last week, I finished Lips Touch by Laini Taylor, which was so good that it deserves another haiku review:
Oh, fabulousness!
Laini's so good; I want to
be her Padawan.

So now, I'm the unofficial, unrecognized, braidless Padawan of A. Lee Martinez and Laini Taylor. Hopefully, I will develop the power of the force. My first trick will be to stretch the day so that I actually have time to read.

What's in your to be read list?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Total Randomness - Butt Dial Style

I have no real idea what to write about today, so you know what that means: lots of WTF moments for you as you wonder what the heck I'm talking about.

My husband used to butt dial me all the time before he got a new phone. I don't know why, but the other day I was thinking that I really should write something about Butt Dialing Through the Centuries, because it's a little known phenomenon that was highly influential nonetheless. The butt dial telegraph alone was responsible for a lot of serious miscommunication and severe buttock malformations, not to mention the phrase "Is that a telegraph in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" And don't get me started on the butt dial rotary phone.

I saw a Snuggie for dogs at the store last night. Now, your dog can be a total social misfit just like you! I am waiting for them to come out with the WTF Blanket for Fish. If they make it, I promise to buy one. And my zombie penguin is in serious need of a WTF blanket. I think it's prejudicial to leave these traditionally underrepresented groups out of the WTF Blanket phenomenon. They too should have the opportunity to look like complete tards.

The other day, I gave myself a facial, so I was running around the house with this freaky looking clear goop on my face. I love this stuff, mostly because once it's dry, I get to rip my face off like the aliens in the old school version of V. (Anyone watching the new one?) Anyway, I sat down on the couch, waiting for my face to dry so I could rip it off and make funny alien noises into the mirror, and my daughter came up to me. She said, "Mommy, you are a beautiful zombie." And I was very flattered.

Only at my house.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Choppin' Broccoli

I got a chopper for my birthday. Of course, this is the first thing I thought of:

I'm going to the grocery store this morning, and I'm going to buy some broccoli. And then I'm going to bring it home. And then I'm going to chop it. Maybe if I'm lucky, someone will sing a song about me.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Fabulousness in Recap Form

The birthday was fab. Seriously. It started off with oodles of birthday wishes from all of youze. All of youze are good people. I've never felt popular before. So last night, I borrowed my daughter's princess crown and made myself prom queen. I figured your happy birthday wishes were de facto, retroactive votes.

Because they were, right?

Then, we went to see the Purdue marching band play at our high school, because our high school is kewl. And because it was my birthday weekend (and because I'm the prom queen), they played Thriller. It looked something like this.

The only real difference is that it was darker, and we were in a smaller stadium, and there was this crazy chick in a sparkly pink tiara who started shrieking and giggling at the beginning of the song and didn't stop until long after it was over. That chick may have been me.

And then? As if it couldn't get any better? I got a book with zombie cows in it. There was a bunch of other, intensely cool stuff, but I'd like to focus on the zombie cows. Because really, how cool is that? I think I'm in love now. Not in the I-want-to-marry-you-and-have-your-babies kind of way, because I'm quite happy with my ninja, thank you. But in an I'd-like-to-be-your-Padawan-but-only-if-I-don't-have-to-have-that-stupid-braid-that-looks-like-an-80s-rattail way.

Nooo! Anything but the braid!

Yes, A. Lee Martinez, I mean you. You write about zombie cows and yeti infestations in freezers and robots. I love you, man, and I'm saying that in the drunk and don't really mean it kind of way. If you have not discovered A. Lee Martinez, let me put it to you this way: He's in my Snarfalicious Hall of Fame. He's THAT funny. You should read his books, people. Srsly.

Although I should probably mention that there is some hubba hubba and some ouchie ouch. That would be sex and violence, for those of you no longer in preschool. But it's FUNNY sex and violence.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me!

So I feel a little lame throwing myself a finished my draft party followed by a birthday party, but I might as well embrace the lamocity. It's not like I can fight my natural tendencies, right? I want a party; my birthday is Sunday, so I'm throwing one. Right here. Right now.

*sound of crickets*

No no NO! This always happens to me. Like the time I planned this huge high school blowout graduation party at the lake, only the night before the party someone burnt down the porta potty, and then almost nobody came, possibly because they didn't want to pee in a slouchy, melted plastic potty. I'm not sure what the problem was. If they were truly my friends, they would have held it. For about five hours.

Come on, people! I'm turning 25, or at least that's what you get if you average my physical age with my mental age. And there are no slouchy potties anywhere at this party, unless you bring one yourself.

I've got a lot of things to celebrate, though. Honestly. There's the completion of the book draft, the fact that Delacorte hasn't realized that I'm a closet lunatic and hurriedly signed a restraining order, the birthday, and the fact that there were zombie penguins on Cartoon Network. I love zombie penguins. I have one sitting on my writing desk, looming down at me while I work. He's got one huge eye and one tiny eye. As of this moment, his name is Winky.

HE'S at my party. Don't you want to be? What party-rific news is out there? I know Lisa and Laura, Christine, and Corey are all celebrating book deals. Have you congratulated them yet? Lisa and Laura are even giving away a KINDLE, as if they could get any kewler.

I'm at the party. I am not deterred by a slouchy potty.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Hello. I Love You. Welcome to My Party.

I finished my book.

Okay, not entirely true. I finished this DRAFT. I still have ridiculous problems to fix, like the fact that I decided halfway through that X should be Y and the whole thing should be set in a world made out of cotton candy.

That last bit isn't true, but I wish it was.

Anyway, in honor of the finished draft, I'm throwing a party. You should come, girly man. That statement will make sense after you watch this video.

This means that we shall be back to my usual long-windedness, starting tomorrow. Thanks for bearing with me in the meantime.

I like bears. They should come to my party.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Apparently, I'm Dead

I died today.

I have one of those Google alert thingies, because I like knowing when people talk about me. Actually, scratch that. I like knowing when people say nice things about me. I think there should be a "nice things only" button on Google. Not that anyone has said anything particularly nasty about me to date, but I'm going to be a published author, and I think it's inevitable that someone somewhere is eventually going to call all the barf jokes in my book 'childish,' and then I will sit here and haughtily inform my computer that I'm NOT childish, and vomiting is a universal experience that we all share, young and old. And if they didn't have such a stick up their hoo hoo, maybe they'd understand that.

Of course, after that, I'll realize that I'm yelling at my computer, and that's pretty childish. So I'll have to concede the point.

Either way, that button would be awfully handy. Could you work on that Google? I'll use it when I'm not dead any more.

I have to admit that it was weird to get a Google alert about my own obituary. I read it. Partly because I know my friends ARE strange enough to submit my obit without my knowledge, and I think that would be pretty funny. (And childish!) And part of it is because I wanted to know more about the me that died. And then I started thinking about when I'm 90 and eventually go up to the big Zombieland in the sky, and some other Carrie Harris gets a Google Alert that their obituary is up, and how embarrassed they'll be to have the same name as a lunatic like me. I'm preemptively sorry, Carrie. Your name has a long tradition of childishness and zombie-related nonsense. I hope you'll carry on the tradition proudly. Lots of caffeine is very helpful in this pursuit.

Yeah, I think I might finish my book today, tomorrow at the latest. It's making me a little slappy. Can you tell?

For a dead chick, I'm awfully spry.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Things That Make Me Snarf - Death by Choking

Choking is always funny. Except when you're me, and you're a teenager, and you're at a restaurant, and this HUGE guy starts choking, and you have to give him the Heimlich, and he falls down on you. The good part about that story is that my dinner was free, but then again I was a teenager out with my boyfriends' family, so I probably wouldn't have had to pay anyway.

That's all for today. I promise more amusement as soon as I am done with this draft. I am so very ridiculously close. Yesterday, I wrote about spanking elephants and attack cyborgs. So anyway, I owe about a million emails and blog comments. If you're on that list, I apologize. Lots.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Tadpoles! Tadpoles Is the Winner!

That's a quote from Deep Thoughts, by the way.

Well. Halloween and the Batson's birthday (which are one and the same) went smashingly at Chez Harris. How about you? I don't necessarily expect you to celebrate my kid's birthday, because let's face it, that would be creepy. But how was your Halloween?

I think my favorite costume sighting was the basketball playing, serial killer leprechaun. I was 80s era Madonna. I wanted to be Zed-donna, the undead 80s pop star, but my girls took one look at the picture on the makeup package and started to cry. So maybe next year.

Now, while I broke your brains en masse by running two contests right in a row, I did get some freaking hilarious entries. Here are some of my favorites:

Wuthering Forks: I Know You're Depressed, but You Wander the Forests After Your Undead Boyfriend Dumps You at Your Own Peril - Andrea Creamer

The Tell-Tale Heart: Interpreting Bella’s Coronary Broadcasts - Masonian

Frankenbella: Sparkly Monsters and the Men Who Make Them - Jamie Eyberg

But the one that made me laugh the hardest is undoubtedly Girl With One Eye's entry:
To Kill a Mockingbird, a Grizzly and Mountain Lion…but Not My Girlfriend

Huzzah, Girl with One Eye! Sendeth me thine address, and I shall impart upon you some fairies that are mucusy and shovely.

And I promise not to sprain your brains further... at least for a while.

Last but not least: good luck to you NaNoers. I completed my first novel during 2002 NaNo. It will never see the light of day, but it convinced me that I could actually finish something That. Freaking. Long. Anyway, I am cheering you on. Vociferously, even.