Twilight Parody: The Merpire Bowling League

Has it really been almost a month since I posted some Twilight parody? How have we lived this long? Why didn't someone tell me? There should have been rioting in the streets, and a line of picketers outside my house with signs like, "More Merpires, Less Other Assorted Crap!" and "Your Twilight parody rocks my socks off... or it would if you remembered to write more of it."

You're slacking, people.

Anyway, this edition of my "Twilarious" parody is called The Merpire Bowling League.

Ellba was cleaning off her truck when Ward fell on top of the cab with a heavy, wet sounding thump. He slid off the side and fell smack into a puddle.

"Ward!"

She rushed to him, heart pounding at the thought that something bad might happen to him and then she'd be stalker free. It wasn't the kind of existence she wanted to ponder. She needed to be stalked like most people need to eat, although she wasn't going to deep fry Ward and eat him with a nice jalapeno tartar sauce.

Not for lack of trying, anyway.

"I'm fine," he said, irritably rubbing his head. "I guess I should have remembered to put my legs on before I jumped." He concentrated for a moment until his scales shimmered ochrely and then split into two well-defined legs. He stood up. Ellba tried not to stare, tried to forget about the tartar sauce in her back pocket. It wasn't working.

"Are you drooling?" he asked.

She shook her head wordlessly, not trusting herself to speak.

"Whatever. Anyway, I came over in such a hurry because I want you to meet my family."

"You do?" she squeaked.

"Yes. We're bowling tonight. I want you to come."

"Bowling doesn't seem very merpire-ish," said Ellba skeptically. "Are you sure this isn't a joke?"

He grinned, and the effect was so glorious that she swooned. But when she came to, he said, "No, my beautiful Ellba. I don't joke about bowling. Now let's go."

She was a little confused when, instead of heading to the Spork Bowling Center, they took the back roads out of town and into the wilderness. They drove for a long time. He was silent, and she was too busy trying to surreptitiously wipe the drool off her chin to keep up a decent conversation.

When they pulled into the clearing and he turned off the car, she said, "Uh, Ward? How are you going to bowl HERE?"

"Watch and learn, my little love guppy. This isn't your average bowling. This is merpire style."

He grinned again. She swooned again too, but that's getting a little repetitive, so you just fill in all the blanks, okay? Every time Ward talks, you just imagine Ellba doing her little swoony thing. Thanks.

When she followed him out onto the grass, she noticed a long line of Slip n' Slides stretching out into the dim yonder, at least two football fields away. Ward's sister Ali came up to survey the field, linking her cold arm with Ellba's.

"This is going to be so kewl!" she said, her pixie-like face glowing with anticipation. "I'm so glad you came, Ellba. You can be the scorekeeper." She handed over a little bowling card and a tiny golf pencil. "I'd do it, but with my crazy merpire strength, I keep breaking the pencils. That one started off normal sized before I pulverized one end. Merpires invented golf pencils; did you know that?"

"Uh... no."

"Don't mind Ali," said Ward easily. "She doesn't make very much sense."

"And Ward's a big boobie. But don't mind that. Just call them like you see them, Ellba."

"Uh... okay," said Ellba uncertainly.

"You don't mind if I fin up first, do you, Ali?" Ward asked. And before Ali could reply, he took a few giant steps backwards and winked at Ellba before running full speed at the Slip N' Slide. He moved so fast that he was a blur; his legs shifting into those beautiful ochre fins that haunted Ellba's dreams. His fishy body rocketed down the wet plastic, sending up sprays of water, and then there was the faint crack of contact coming from the other side of the clearing.

"Well?" said Ali, looking at Ellba.

"Well what?"

"You're supposed to call it like you see it."

Ellba squinted into the dim distance. "I can't see a freaking thing."

"Well, it was a strike." Ali snatched the scorekeeping materials away from Ellba, crushing the pencil into dust in the process. "Damnit. Now we can't keep score. You wanna be the ball? That might be fun."

"Only if I can be a sparkly ball," replied Ellba. "Sparkle sparkle sparkle."

Yep. I'm the Bimbo.

I was reading this post the other day on Lady Glamis' blog about how she usually has a romantic affair with her books but was contemplating a divorce. From her current book, sillies, not from her lovely sword-wielding husband.

Anyway, it got me to thinking. So many people talk about falling in love with their books, like writing a book is like a romcom. I don't do that. My relationship with my books is more like a horror film. Actually, that's not entirely accurate: I write like a slasher film. I'm talking about the kind of book in which everyone gets chopped up into kibble except the one cheerleader, who decides to go out searching for her friends in the dead of night even though there's so much blood on the floor that no one could ever survive, and she's wearing only a baby doll nightie and no shoes. In the woods. As she's going out the door, she remembers that there's a bad guy out there and decides she'd better arm herself. With a ruler.

And you're sitting there on the couch (I always watch these kinds of movies on the couch because then I can heckle them. Loudly.) yelling, "Go back into the cabin, you bimbo! What're you going to do with a RULER? Measure the guy before he kills you? Put some fricking clothes on and call the police!" Only of course she doesn't, and then she ends up standing in the middle of a big field, looking around wildly for the bad guy who is standing right behind her, waving his big pointy knife around to get her attention.

Yeah, that's what my writing process is like. And in case you haven't figured it out, I'm the bimbo.

I keep getting myself into these seemingly unsolvable corners in my mannie. Outlining doesn't solve this problem, because I inevitably come up with a really kewl idea that totally blows the whole outline out of the water, so the whole thing is just a waste of time. Anyway, I end up blindly groping around for a solution kind of like the bimbo, only with more appropriate clothing. The solution, of course, is often blazingly obvious. It's not standing behind me waving around a big pointy knife, but it might as well be.

So much for feeling superior to the bimbo. I promise not to heckle you any more. Much.

Query Ninja - Freakshows Forgotten

It's time for another edition of Query Ninja! Did you miss the wonderfulness last week? Go here for an explanation of what we're doing and here to see the first installment. Don't worry. We'll wait. I'm also trying something a little different here; I'm italicizing the words that I replaced to see if that makes it easier for you to read. Let me know if it makes a difference.

This Query Ninja has been made possible by Humongously Awesome Hollan, or HAH! for short. A big round of applause to HAH! for having the nerve to submit her query for all to see. Please remember to refer to her by her full name or acronym in the comments, and as always, be nice. Like I need to tell you that; I know. I'm just obsessive compulsive.

And here's the query, MadLibbified.

Dear Agent,

Bigfoot, 14, thinks he’s going insane. After the move to a new house a chipmunk no one else can see follows him, a sparkly door appears, and he slips farther from his family until the day they can’t remember him at all.

Then he meets Britney Spears, a girl whose family forgot her a hundred years before, and learns the world of the freakshows has claimed them both. Armed only with a map and pursued by werefairies who want to steal their memories, Bigfoot and Britney must cross the forgotten world and find a couch-jumping man called Zom Cruise, the only one who can help them find a way back to their world.

Bigfoot and Britney track Zom through a bobblehead factory, ancient ruins and the couch rodeo circuit, but the farther they go the more their memories slip away. If they don’t find Zom soon they will forget themselves and be lost in the world of the freakshows forever.

FREAKSHOWS FORGOTTEN is an upper MG novel (HAH! notes that sometimes she calls it YA, depending on the agent), and it is complete at 59,000 words. It is similar in nature to L. Frank Baum’s ‘The Wizard of Oz’ and Garth Nix’s ‘Key’s to the Kingdom’ series.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration. Sample chapters or the snarfabulous manuscript are available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
HAH! (Humongously Awesome Hollan)

So I've discovered an unexpected benefit of Query Ninja. MadLibbing this query just gave me an awesome idea for a short story. And no, it's not some shady poaching of Freakshows Forgotten; it has couches in it. I think there's a shortage of good couch stories in the world. So I owe an especially big debt of gratitude to HAH! for sending this one in.

Anyway. I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce a new rule of querydom. Let's call it the Church Lady Rule. Everyone remembers the Church Lady, right?

Well, isn't that special?
The Church Lady has the right idea here. Think about what makes your book special, what makes it stand out from all the other books like it. If you have a sparkly vampire love story, what's different about your book compared to all of the other sparkly vampire love stories out there? If you have a book about Big Foot and Britney on a quest, what makes it different from the thousands of pop-star-plus-random-supernatural-creature-quest books on the market?

Whatever that element is, it deserves as much space as you can give it without making your query completely nonsensical. If your distinguishing characteristic is the compelling voice of the rabid werehamster protagonist named Mr. Spunky, then sprinkle that query with phrases from Mr. Spunky's dialogue. If your plot twist in which we find out that Mr. Spunky is really a televangelist in disguise is what sets you apart from the masses, then play that element up as much as you can. Remember, the goal is not necessarily to communicate your plot in sequential order, but to catch their attention with your idea and MAKE THEM REQUEST PAGES.

This query had a lot of story elements in it, many of which were mega intriguing, but there was so much going on that I felt overwhelmed. Anyone else feel this way? I think that applying the Church Lady Rule and making it a little more focused will do a better job of highlighting the awesomeness that is your book. For me, this element was the whole idea of memories being lost. There are plenty of books in which characters journey through strange lands, and yes, I think we need a taste of the dangers they'll face there, but there's something different at stake here. Play it up!

So how would you do that without making it ridiculously long? I'd read through phrase by phrase. All the while, ask whether or not each phrase adds something essential. Does it contribute to the voice or tell something essential about the plot? Does it highlight your Church Lady element? Or can it go? In this query, phrases like "armed only with a map," "a sparkly door appears," and the "bobblehead factory, ancient ruins, and couch jumping rodeo circuit" could be cut or shortened, to name a few. Again, the question is what they add. Do we need to know they have a map to understand the basic idea? (And technically, a map isn't a weapon, so you couldn't be armed with it.) Why mention the door in the first paragraph and not bring it up again? And so on. This would make space for the massive awesomeness that is the memory stealing werefairies and the risk of Bigfoot and Britney losing themselves forever.

And personally, I would really miss Bigfoot.

Then it's time to see where you need to add more of your Church Lady element. In this query, a whole lot happens very quickly in the first paragraph, and the bit about the family forgetting Bigfoot, which is pretty essential to the story, is told very quickly. Do they forget him because he's not around, or are they "drifting away" emotionally? I'm not sure what that means. I'm also curious to know about what exactly Zom Cruise is supposed to do. Bigfoot's family has forgotten him already, so getting back to their world is only the beginning. Does Zom have the ability to return their memories so Bigfoot can go back?

So that's what I think. You've obviously got an idea that intrigues the bleep out of me, and that's rocking good. I think it's just a matter of tweaking and tightening the query to make the most out of that element. But that's enough of my yammering. What does everyone else think? Am I totally out of my mind and you disagree entirely, or did I actually say a few things that made sense? Humongously Awesome Hollan could use your feedback. And applause. She deserves a lot of that.

And may the power of the Church Lady be with you.

Oh, and one last thing: those of you who are taking the big query plunge should check out Fabulous Agent Kate's blog. She just did a week's worth of awesome query feedback, and she's smarter than me.

Read 50 Books in 2009 Wrapup

Holy bleepification. I've actually finished the Read 50 Books in 2009 Challenge, courtesy of the fabulousness that is PJ Hoover. Now what will I do with my time? I might have to, like, write my own book for a change.

Actually, I've been trying not to go too fast lest I give Fabulous Agent Kate a massive coronary. But that's beside the point. Let's get to the remainder of the haiku reviews, and then we'll discuss the lessons that I learned.

The Warded Man

A guy fights demons
Using magical tattoos
Hell's angel, indeed

Emily the Strange

My high hopes were dashed
A few moments of funny
But there's not enough

Eclipse

Yes, I did love it
Like I love things that are
Funny by mistake

Midnight Nation

Now, THIS is awesome
Mondo good graphic novel
It should be a film

Reader and Raelynx

How disappointing
Is it when a series just
Peters out? Le sigh.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

It's no big surprise
That I am starring this book
I snarfed out my nose

Thus endeth the 50 Books Challenge, and lo, was it made of awesome. But seriously, I have to ask. Did anyone pick up a book that was mentioned here? I'm trying to decide if the haiku reviews are worth continuing.

As for what I learned? That's easy. I learned that I read too frigging much.

Stay tuned tomorrow for another episode of Query Ninja. Humongously Awesome Hollan has volunteered to have her query MadLibbified.

Things That Make Me Snarf - The Dark Knight and Superman

Happy Memorial Day! I'm at a picnic today, but I leave you with this week's Thing That Makes Me Snarf.

Fun with FACEinHOLE

Now that I am famous, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I'm contacted by Hollywood to star in the film adaptation of my Twilight parody. I hope I can bring the necessary gravitas to the character of Ellba. Luckily, I look really good with my legs swathed in Saran Wrap. I checked.

I pride myself on being prepared, so I decided to get ready for the inevitable merpire photo shoots. I made this:


Create your own FACEinHOLE

Awesome, huh? And then I was struck by the bolt of inspiration. Remember how we were listing film characters that were tailor made for Richard Simmons? Now I have proof.

I give you... Richard Simmons as Rambo.


Create your own FACEinHOLE

The awesomeness is undeniable. What about Richard Simmons as Malfoy?


Create your own FACEinHOLE

Scary, ain't it? I'm rather partial to Richard Simmons as the Terminator.


Create your own FACEinHOLE

But Richard Simmons as Chewbacca made me snarf Diet Dr. Pepper out my nose.


Create your own FACEinHOLE

Wow, I'm easily amused.

My Thank You Speech

Imagine my surprise when I received the latest newsletter from School Library Journal, and I was IN it. Underneath an awesome vampire Barbie unearthed (not literally) by Fabulous Agent Kate, no less. I'm not sure it gets any better than that. Snarfalicious supernatural creatures and librarians are two of my favorite things. If anyone knows any snarfalicious supernatural librarians, my birthday is in November.

In honor of this momentous newslettery occasion, I'd like to say a few words for posterity's sake.

I owe my success to a lot of people, some of whom are even REAL, or at least I'm pretty sure they are. But then again, I firmly believe that zombie piranha are the epitomy of kewl, so it's probably not wise to trust in my perception of reality. If you think you should be on this list and you are in fact a real person, consider yourself thanked. If you think you should be on this list but are not in fact a real person, please blow yourself up because cyborgs really creep me out.

Unless they are played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in which case they make me laugh.

Anyway, now I am feeling all important and kewl, so I think I'll need to reflect that here at The Wonder That Is My Blog. So from now on, Carrie shall refer to herself in third person.

Nah. Not impressive enough. Maybe we shall start using the royal "we" to refer to ourselves.

Booooring. How about this? From now on, I shall be known as She Who Follows Vampire Barbies (and Occasionally Librarians). Only not like a stalker. More like an admiring person who skulks a lot.

Wow, this just keeps getting worse and worse. How about you forget everything I just said and replace it with: "Holy bleep! I'm in the School Library Journal newsletter! That rocks!"