I've been doing a little reading on demonology for my latest book. And really, when you're learning about supernatural creatures, there's one question you've got to ask yourself: How would I protect myself if a bunch of these freakos invaded my house?
For example, our Merpire Invasion Plan (MIP!) is fairly simple. I grab the kids while Slayer stakes the merpires with frozen fishsticks. Our Vampire Invasion Plan (VIP!) is just as easy: I grab the kids while Slayer impales the bloodsuckers with a lawn flamingo.
I'm actually a little upset about these plans, because Slayer gets to do all the fun stuff. But I figure he'll let me have a little flamingo-slash-fishstick action once the real danger is over and done with, so I guess that's okay.
But I've run into a problem re: demons. Because when one is fighting a demon, it's handy to have a holy object, right? And the only holy object I own is Ramrod the Holy Toaster.
This is a problem.
See, I'm totally safe when it comes to an attack by demonic Pop Tarts. I'm your girl when the Evil Bread comes to take your soul. Beezelbub's Bagels aren't frightening to me; I'll toast the bleep out of them. But when it comes to an attack of the non-grain-based demons, I'm kind of in trouble. I guess I could throw Ramrod at them. I could swing him around by his cord and use him as a holy, crumb-covered flail.
But that would probably crush Ramrod, and then what would I do if a Luciferian Eggo attacked?
Is there perhaps a particular knife you use to get jammed toast out of Ramrod the Holy Toaster? Because if so, that knife has probably absorbed a lot of holiness just from contact. Think of it as a solid, pointy, and most important, weapony, version of holy water.
Or maybe a fork? That is the particualr utensil my children seem to have an affinity for when it comes to unsticking whatever is in there.
I would sick Richard Simmonds on them.
Hmm, that is a bit of a pickle. My first recommendation would be to invite a very open minded priest over to anoint your nunchaku, sai, shuriken, and ninjato.
If you can't find a priest, I'm sure you could wrangle a street prophet into doing it. Might even be more potent that way.
Salt always works for the delectable Winchester brothers.
No wonder my kids are so bad! I've been feeding them demonic frozen waffles for the last three years! My toaster doesn't even have a name, much less holy protection.
In fact, maybe the toaster itself is demonic...it does glow red, after all...
Excuse me. I've got battle plans to make.
You might not have to swing ramrod around. Sometimes you can fool the demon into sticking their hand into the toaster, thereby doing the trick and still being able to have bagels the next morning.
Hummm... I don't know much about demon killing. What did they used to do on Charmed? Is there some kind of spell you could use? Could you zap them with some power?
Since you're a writer, I thought I'd mention there's a writers' support group you might be interested in. It's called Writers_on_Writing. If you want to know more, check out my blog. I posted some info about it yesterday. Maybe you know other writers who might want to join? The group's a SUPPORT group, not a critique group for writers 18 years or older.
I'm sure Ramrod would sacrifice himself for your family! Keep feeding him Pop Tarts to strengthen his loyalty to you!
Oh! I get it. Fish sticks are merpire Kryptonite.
In a Luciferian Eggo situation, I think I would attack with french toast. They are enemies, after all.
That doesn't sound too bad. I happen to like deviled Eggos.
The holy toaster will protect you all. Don't mock the holy toaster or it will join the demons in attacking you.
If the demons attack, Ramrod will pop up toast in religious shapes and hurl them at the demons.
At least this is a plan (not necessarily a good one) that you can use until you figure out a better plan against a demon attack, which could happen any day.
Or maybe its not the toaster but the syrup you could squirt at them. You know blind, poison or drench them in sticky oozy gu.
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