As you probably already know, my Twilight parody wrapped up on Wednesday with the final edition: The Final Fish Stick. I've talked a little bit about writing a New Moon parody, and of course I might still do that, but in the meantime, I've had An Idea of Brilliance. Or at least An Idea of Amusing Myself-ness. And I'm going to run with it and see how it goes.
See, I'm going to parody a parody.
Most of you remember The Very Secret Diaries, right? (They're rated R, just in case you've been living in a paper bag for the last couple of years and haven't heard of them yet.) Well, I'm going to do a Twilight series version.
That's right. I'd like to officially announce The Semi-Secret and Not Very Original Twilight Series Diaries! (Cue trumpeters and dancing girls dressed up like Boba Fett.) And of course, I'm going to start with everyone's favorite sparkler, Edward Cullen. Let me know if you like this, and if so, I'll continue. Maybe we'll even get to some New Moon parody action.
Day 1: Am dying. At least, suspect am dying. Keep hallucinating about really pale dude who looks kind of like Beaker from the Muppets. Don't know what Muppet is, but wish it would stop biting me.
Day 4: Not dead! Am undead bloodsucker that sparkles! Woot!
Day 5: Transfixed by own sparkle. Sparkle sparkle sparkle.
Day 247,122: Sparkle sparkle sparkle.
Day 247,123: Sparkles so yesterday. Am determined to do something useful, like turn into giant sexy bat. Planning to change name to Batman.
Day 247,124: Apparently, Alice can see into future, and 'Batman' already taken. New plan: turn into giant sexy walrus. Figure tusks will be good for sucking blood. Have confirmed that 'Walrusman' is not taken.
Day 247,125: Cannot turn into anything. V. disappointing as walrus idea was smokin. Can only sparkle. Begin to think was gypped on this whole undead thing.
Day 247,128: Can jump really high, though! Yay! Jumpie jumpie jumpie jump!
Day 247,148: After 20 days, jumping becomes really boring. Think I'll go to high school. Could become pole vaulter. Sparkly pole vaulter. If only could develop tusks, world would be perfect.
Day 247,780: New girl at school smells like pot roast. Took tremendous restraint not to smother her in gravy.
Day 247,781: Couldn't resist urge to break into Pot Roast's bedroom with jar of gravy. Cannot believe how romantic I am all of a sudden.
Day 247,900: Nocturnal visits to Pot Roast have become ritual. Beaker attempted to discuss my 'stalkerish tendencies.' Sounded like "Meh meh meh meh mehmehmehmeh" to me.
Day 248,056: Suspect Bella (formerly known as Pot Roast) is soul mate. She loves tusks and sparkles too! Sparkle sparkle sparkle!
Day 248,131: Bella unable to get enough of my studly, sparklicious self. Had to fight her off with spork the other night. Good thing tusks were a no go. Would probably make her spontaneously combust, and have accidentally misplaced gravy.
Day 248,154: Bella constantly in trouble. Considering replacing her with actual pot roast. Could put wig on it, would essentially be the same thing except less accident prone.
Day 248,167: Bella abducted by vampire with serious case of sparkle envy. Suppose should go rescue her, but too busy grooming sideburns. Am determined if cannot have tusks, will attempt to duplicate effect with muttonchops. Unfortunately, died before completed puberty, so this might take time. Luckily, have plenty of time.
Day 248,155: Tried making out with bewigged pot roast. Not bad kisser, but slime on face interfered with sparkles and screwed up sideburns. Guess should probably go rescue whatsername.
Day 248,156: Have learned that dusting hair with shards of broken glass really intensifies sparkle effect. Vowed never to shower again. Oh yeah. Also saved the pot roast. I mean Bella. Have to quit confusing them somehow. Am thinking about using sticky notes as a reminder.