WTF Wednesday - Now with Ninjas

I need to make friends with more dancers. Because this morning, I thought, man, it would be so COOL to do a Ninja Thriller Flashmob. Everyone put on ninja outfits and cowls, show up at some random place, do the Thriller dance, and then disappear. Poof!

Because everyone knows ninjas love Thriller. About as much as they love lawn flamingos.

And then we could do videos like this:



Only I'd do it with ninjas. Because everything is better with ninjas. Like Froot Loops. Roller coasters. Tornadoes. EVERYTHING.

Of course, this opinion might have something to do with the fact that I'm married to a ninja. There's nothing like seeing your husband bat shuriken out of the air with his hands.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Friggin Twilight

Remember how I was talking the other day about things that go well together? Well, Jersey Shore and Twilight are REALLY high on that list!

Fair warning that this IS Jersey Shore, so there's language. And pervy stuff. But it's funny pervy stuff.

BAD TASTE IN BOYS release date!

Ladies and gents, I have a very important announcement. And as we all know, important announcements on my blog mean one thing and one thing only: Richard Simmons.

He IS my official spokesperson, you know. So, without further ado, let me turn it over to him!

Hi! Hello, people! Do you like my shorts?

Um. Sure. Your shorts are nice. But I don't think they want to talk about your shorts. I think they want to hear the announcement.

Oh, right! I'm supposed to remind you all to eat your vegetables. And clean your eyeballs out with Windex.

NOT THAT ANNOUNCEMENT! The one about BAD TASTE IN BOYS being released on July 12, 2011! The one where they're supposed to mark their calendars because my book will be out in the wild!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Did you hear that? Call your mom! Tell your friends! Notify the media! Someone call the president! BAD TASTE IN BOYS will be released next July!

Ahem. Thus endeth the official announcement.

I'm beginning to think I need a new official spokesperson.

Writing Tips from Loonyland - Setting

So yesterday, I briefly mentioned how I outline all my settings in my Quest to Decrease the Suck (which is now the official title for my writing process). And Valerie asked how I did that.

Valerie will soon regret this question.

Here's the thing. My settings always suck extra hard. Because really, how can I be worried about the contents of the room when there are cute boys for my MC to kiss? And pesky younger brothers with pseudo swords and a hero complex? And ZOMBIES?!?

But once I got the MC, and the cute boy, and the pesky younger brother, and the ZOMBIES to all behave the way I want them to, I eventually realized (with the help of my editor) that maybe five scenes set in the car isn't exactly the best choice. I've found the driving thing to be one of the biggest problems with writing a thriller type book in which all the action happens in a couple of days. The characters are rushing around to get the zombies/mutant grasshoppers/rampaging politicians, and there's usually a lot of driving. And they need to talk, so why not let them talk in the car? Easy, right? Unfortunately, when the answer is easy, that usually means it's not the best answer. So I start outlining.

I use Excel for this, because I like being able to move scenes around, sort them, and so on. So each scene gets a line. And then I fill in the following info:

ACTION: What happens in the scene? Do I have a nice balance of high and lo action scenes? Do they progress naturally and build to a climax?

CHAPTER: Makes it easier to navigate the manuscript.

NUMBER OF PAGES: If my character is hanging around in the lab for 20 pages straight (and I'm ashamed to admit that she did in an earlier draft), I want to know about it.

DAY: Again, because the calendar of events is so important in my books, I keep track of the days. The book starts on day 1 and then after my MC goes to sleep, I call it Day 2 because I'm creative like that. This also helps me to manage time of day. It can't be morning if I've had six lengthy scenes already that day.

SETTING: Again, I'm looking for variety. If I see a lot of school scenes, I start brainstorming for more interesting locations. Zombies at school are fun, but what about zombies at a carnival? Or at a beach? Too bad my book wasn't set in the summertime, because I totally would have used these.

MAJOR CHARACTERS: To make sure my major characters don't disappear for a hundred pages and then reappear after my readers have forgotten who they are (or conversely, overstayed their welcome), I list them off and keep track of who is in which scene.

PHONE CALL/TEXT: Again, this is another issue in short time frame books. Yes, your characters need to stay in touch when they are separated and fighting the zombie hordes (or those pesky politicians). No, we don't need to see them dial every time.

CAR: I already mentioned this short time frame issue, but I'll say it again. Yes, they may need to drive a lot of places. But using them as filler scenes slows down the pace of your book. And especially as you're building to the climax, you don't want to do that.

Once the outline is done, I start looking for weak points. I count the number of scenes in school and see if I have too many. I look at the 20 pages of lab talkery and try to move or condense or (gulp) delete. And so on. I try my best to keep showing my readers something new instead of circling back on myself (again, guilty of that!).

So that's how I deal with settings and pacing and such. How do you do it?

Writing Advice

People have started to ask me for writing advice. The whole concept makes me laugh, because really, what the bleep do I know? I write what feels good at the time, and then I let it sit, and then I reread it and realize what utter crap it is, not that this is a bad thing, because that's the point of first drafts! They suck. Unless you happen to me one of those mutants like Tom Robbins who writes the whole book front to back without editing a single blinking thing and still manages to be brilliant.

I don't have anything against mutants in general, but one-draft-mutants? Hate 'em.

Anyway, then I rewrite the whole thing, and then I read it again and discover that it's marginally less sucky than it used to be. And I repeat until the suck is bearable, with a few stops along the way to research bits that need researching and outline all the settings because that's always my weakest point in earlier drafts.

That's my writing process. Not all that impressive, is it?

But people still ask me. And there's a part of me that wants to say something like, "Your book needs vampires if it's going to succeed. I mean, sure, you've got a nice book about a girl's relationship with her dying mother, but it would be much better if there was a vampire in it. Or maybe ALL the characters are vampires! Yeah, that would totally sell."

I never say it, but I really want to.

Lolzombie of the Day - The Wizard of Oz

Lolzombies and movie musicals. Does anything go better together? I mean, sure. There's chocolate and peanut butter. And chicken and telephones. But other than that...


NOM NOM NOM!

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Bad Carrie! No Biscuit!

I found a bunch of my old high school stuff the other day: letters and theater programs and random photos that never made it into albums. (Which is most of them, sadly enough.) And I realized something disconcerting.

Teenage Carrie was a real perv.

"I've hit the jackpot!" I thought. "Things I can use on my blog! Things I can use in my books! Things I can send to old high school friends, and then we can laugh and have Hallmark movie moments."

No Hallmark movie moments here, I'm afraid. Because teenage Carrie's jokes all revolved around swear words, sex jokes, and other inappropriate things. When I graduated from high school, one of my friends drew a little cartoon kickline of our big group of friends, each of us characterized by one or two particular features. Her cartoon was short and had little music notes floating out of her mouth...or maybe her ear. I can't quite tell. Another of our friends had a pile of smut books at her feet.

Me? I had big blue eyes, mutant eyelashes, and long hair. All the better to entice the guys and make pervy comments about it later, I guess.

Anyway, this kickline had lots of our favorite sayings on it. 95% of which cannot be posted on this blog. So pretend I said something funny about my high school career here.

Thanks.