Monday, February 16, 2009

Bad clones! No biscuit!

I've always said that I'd like to have some clones to do boring things like laundry and clean the bathroom floor. But I was thinking about it yesterday, and I've kind of reevaluated that stance. Stick with me here: let's say that I made a bunch of Carrieclones and set them to work doing menial stuff like dishes and things like that. I'd have picketers outside of my house in minutes, waving around signs like, "Clone Equality!" and "A Clone's a Person Too!"

To which I'd wave a middle finger and reply, "Clone you!" but that doesn't really solve the problem.

To solve the problem, you'd have to make sure that the clones aren't technically human. So I'd leave out things like most of the brain and maybe add a prehensile tail while I'm at it because that would be cool. Now, I can argue that the Carrieclones are definitely not human, and they can pull down their pants and prove it.

The tail, people. Get your minds out of the gutter.

So now, I've got clones that are obviously non-human. They don't think like humans, they have tails, and they tend to drop trou a lot. But then there's another problem. Let's say that I send a Carrieclone to do my grocery shopping. Only she has the intelligence of a brick and ends up dropping her pants in front of the meat counter.

And people think it's me.

Gosh, these clones are really getting annoying, and they're imaginary. So now I've got to either brand their foreheads with the phrase "I'm a clone, you idiot!" or I've got to write it on their foreheads with magic marker every morning. And oh my god, I forgot about getting them dressed. I get twins dressed every morning, and I can tell you that it's no picnic. You think you're going to color code their clothes and make them all cutesy, but after about week two of Living with Twins, you just make sure that whatever you pick up is clean, has approximately the correct number of arm/leg/head holes, and is semi-appropriate for the climate. And now I'm going to have to dress all the clones on top of everything else, and they'll probably fight over the shirt with "I do bad things" written in sequins on it, because after all, they're MY twins, and that's my favorite shirt, and I've only got one shirt and seventeen clones that will probably rip it to pieces, and then I will have no shirt.

And the moral of this story is that if you'd like to have clones, you'd better be resigned to going topless.

I'm exhausted now. No clones for me.

12 comments:

SlayerOfBees said...

In light of the moral of the story, I get started on making your clones right away!

K. M. Walton said...

I have the solution...

Just clone your husband and then he'll get blamed for going topless at the store. And topless men aren't against the law.

You could order up programmable clones and set them to do the tasks most real husbands loathe: trash, lawn mowing, snow shoveling, feeding your chocolate covered strawberries, drawing your bath, etc...

And of course, program the heck out of them to do YOUR most un-liked tasks, which for me, is anything involving these two words: house work.

K.C. Shaw said...

You could train your clones to MAKE you shirts. Although then they wouldn't have time to clean the kitchen or go shopping. But you'd have a lot of shirts.

adrienne said...

Well, if they can't even dress themselves I rather not see what they'd do to the bathroom floor...

Lady Glamis said...

You certainly make me laugh with your posts, Carrie! I needed this this morning! Hehehe.

I don't want clones. I'm annoying enough as it is with just one of me running around.

And what about feeding them? Yikes! I think you're right. More trouble than it's worth. And you'd get pretty cold running around without a shirt. And probably arrested. :)

Catherine J Gardner said...

I'd ban my clone from eating chocolate so that at least one of us could be thin.

Natalie L. Sin said...

I'm going to clone gay Thai porn stars, keep them in my living room, and let nature take it's course.

Big Plain V said...

I think your Slayer's thinking what I'd be thinking -- seventeen 'partners'.

Oh yeah.

LauraBlue said...

Leaving out most of their brains and giving them tails seems pretty mean to me. Maybe you could just get a nice robot army to do your chores? Nothing could go wrong there, right?

PJ Hoover said...

What if you kept them at home only and pulled the shades so no one could see and complain about them?

Mariah Irvin said...

At first the title confused me because I read "No clones! Bad biscuit!" and was wondering what a bad biscuit was. Clones probably wouldn't be a good idea...

Christina Farley said...

Only keep the good ones. :)