Wednesday, February 25, 2009

In the Event of Famousness - Unreasonable Requests

I can't believe it's been so long since I did one of these entries. Christy deserves a big shout out and one of those badges that I don't know how to design for reminding me about it. Yay, Christy!

Anyway, for you newbies out there, the premise is simple. I'm giving you things to think about in the event that you become famous, because there are certain standards of famousity that we must uphold. Previously, we've come up with pithy answers to interview questions, talked about the need for people and planned our celebrations. So there's your update.

Today, we're going to talk about unreasonable requests. Every celebrity needs to make unreasonable requests, particularly when they travel, because otherwise people might not realize that this person is a celebrity and then the world will implode. And let me tell you something: world implosion is bad. No, really. So it's important to have some unreasonable requests prepared in advance just in case fifteen minutes of fame pounce at you all of a sudden, kind of like a puppy. Or a mugger. Take your pick; my imagery is your imagery.

So what are some good unreasonable requests? I'm thinking those completely random things like: I want a bowl of M&Ms in my room, but I only want the blue ones. I seem to remember some celebrity asking for this but can't figure out who it is. Whoever they are, they're not allowed to come to my house, because the blue M&Ms are MINE.

I figure that's as good an excuse as any.

So my unreasonable request is simple: when I get off an airplane, I want a limo to be waiting for me. And I want my limo driver to be dressed like zombie Richard Simmons. I want him (or her... because I'm equal opportunity Richard Simmons zombification) to lurch while carrying my bags. Performance of zombie pushups, complete with loud and reverberating "UUUUUUHHhh!" sounds are bonus points that will result in a big tip from me.

There are a few reasons for this. 1) I'm on a Richard Simmons kick lately. 2) It would make it really easy to pick my driver out of a crowd. No looking around for those stupid placards with your name on them. And then when you find the placard, it doesn't matter how simple your name is, they still manage to spell it wrong. And let's face it, 'Harris' ain't tough, but it's happened to me on business trips. And 3) it's freaking hilarious.

So that's my unreasonable request. And I derive lots of amusement from picturing the limo driver's face at the moment that he hears about this.

"She wants me to dress up as WHAT?!?!"

21 comments:

K.C. Shaw said...

Hmm, I think my unreasonable request would be that my entourage members all dress identically. I don't care what they wear as long as it's all the same. And they all have to answer to the same name, Douglas. That way I wouldn't have to remember their individual names and I can drawl, "Douglas, dahling, fetch me a bowl of green M&Ms."

I think it was Van Halen who wanted all the green M&Ms picked out of their M&Ms. So I'll just take theirs.

Jamie Eyberg said...

I don't know why anyone wouldn't mind getting up with my kid in the middle of the night for me. Is that an unreasonable request?

Corey Schwartz said...

Ha! Hilarious. I am entirely reasonable. All I need is a case of Starbucks coffee frappuccino's and I am happy (famous or not)

JaxPop said...

Think I would have my nose reduced to just a pair of nostrils, change the pigment of my skin, wear a Sgt Pepper's outfit, have someone walk with me holding an umbrella over me anytime I was outside, wear one glove & have an amusement park erected in my front yard... oh wait.. that's already been done.

Okay - I would insist that everyone in my entourage looked exactly like Uncle Fester & would want fresh strawberries in my dressing room with all of the little seeds removed. Now is that too much to ask????

PJ Hoover said...

Does he get an extra big tip?
I'll just take a heated toilet seat and a warm towel handed to me when I'm done showering.

Catherine J Gardner said...

I would demand Jack Bauer - I don't care if he's fictional, he's in the seat next to me at all times. :)

Scillius Maximus said...

Well I already have an entourage. My problem is that they are all ninja's and no one can see them.

That and they only respond to a certain set of requests like: "Puree","Slice&Dice","Disembowel".

I know. I know. Powerful requests they are but it does not work so well when you send them to Starbucks for coffee i.e. I may get my coffee but I would not be able to ever get another cup from that pile of debris formally known as Starbucks.



Thought for day: If ninja's are Cuisinarts in black pajamas, than why don't Cuisinarts have a 'Torture' button?di

Natalie L. Sin said...

All dressing rooms must be equipped with a A'ST1 CD so that, as I open the door and step inside, the song "1234 Back" starts. I will then require silence from all other parties as I song along in broken Korean.

Before interviews, I must be offered a Dong Bang Shin Ki album on a silken pillow. If I presently own all the ones I want, any DVD starring Ronald Cheng will suffice.

Solvang Sherrie said...

Can I have a personal chef with me at all times? Even when I eat in the fanciest restaurant in NYC? My chef will have permission to go in and cook what I want, not what's on the menu. And whatever he needs to be able to make what I want will always be at his disposal. I actually really like the sound of that...

adrienne said...

Eh, I think I'd just want a big bunch of freesias everywhere I go.
And that reminds me, since you're on a Richard Simmons kick - I once made a flower arrangement for him. I remember I put red hot pokers in it, because that was the only interesting flower we had in the shop at the time.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

In my hotel room:

A sixer of Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat beer chilled to 38 degrees.

The sheet untucked from the end of the bed. I always have to do this myself and I'd rather not.

Replace ugly pictures above the bed with posters of Cheryl Tiegs (1970s please) and Elle McPherson (1990s)

Kelly said...

Funny! I'd want a competent driver to and from all my events. A stash of chocolate. Mints so I have fresh breath for my beloved fans. That's all!

ElanaJ said...

I love this! I want a grape laffy taffy. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Stephen Duncan said...

I would like my life to be soundtracked. With my own personal orchestra in tow at all times. And on demand for special occasions, Prince.

Now, please. *Snap, Snap*

Mariah Irvin said...

Grr...Stephen stole mine! I would totally make someone (preferably a hot guy) follow me around with a boom box. My soundtrack would be awesome. Oh, and there would be fanfare all the time!

Suzanne Casamento said...

I must have a fountain Diet Coke from McDonald's every morning. It must be MacDonald's. In and Out is too sweet. Carl's Jr, too flat. Burger King's tastes like there's Sprite mixed in. Jack and the Box's D.C. is flavorless.

I'll snarl, "I said, 'McDonald's'."

Stephen Duncan said...

Better yet, you could order Diet Cokes and make them remove the Diet. Not regular Coke. Diet Coke, hold the diet. How's it done? Not your problem.

sruble said...

Wasn't the M&M thing Van Halen? I know it was a band. And I think they had to remove all of a certain color, like the brown M&Ms or something. Does that sound right?

Your zombie limo driver idea is great! Don't know if you'd get any limo drivers to do that ... of course if you're a celebrity and you paid them enough, they might.

I have no idea what I'd request. I used to like the M&M idea, until someone pointed out that it means that someone is touching all the M&Ms before you get them. Although now you can order them all one color, but they probably wouldn't do that. They'd go through a few bags and eat all the other M&Ms, you know they would.

Brenda said...

My unreasonable request would be that a sexy Aussie named Aiden has to follow me around and feed me milk chocolate miniture Dove candy bars and he has to be in red silk boxers (love a man in silk boxers) and he has to fan me with a big leaf whenever I'm near water...the pool, the bathtub, when I'm shaving my leg at the bathroom sink...drinking water, etc. etc...and he has to be oiled down...slick and shiny......................................................................................oh, sorry, I was drooling...I think I need to take a cold shower now...grin...I'll be back in a little bit...

C.R. Evers said...

Yay! I love this segment! I"m happy to say that I've inspired you to do another. ;0)

hmmm. . . unreasonable request: to have Carrie Harris on a perpetual phone line so that I can ask her how to act famous at all times. I'm sure I'd run out of good idea's pretty quick.

Lina said...

I have actually thought about this before and decided that if I ever get rich and famous I will have a masseuse (or masseur) with me at all times. Especially after big events where I have to wear uncomfortable shoes. Oh andI'd hire my brother wife as my own personal chef.