Thursday, April 9, 2009

Close Encounters of the Superhero Kind

Kiersten's comment from yesterday made me think of the first superhero I ever met.

Picture this: Slayer and I have moved in together, because he said he was moving to Cleveland, and I invited myself along for the ride. We moved into this huge-ola high rise apartment with a view of Lake Erie and a drug dealer across the hall. (They did not tell us about the drug dealer in their promotional literature, either, which made me very disappointed.) My place of business was still in Toledo, so I telecommuted. We had a two bedroom apartment, one bedroom of which contained my office.

On nice days, I liked to keep my window open so I could hear the gulls while I was working. Not that I particularly like gulls, but it was an attempt to fool myself into thinking that I was living in some tropical paradise instead of near a lake that I won't swim in because of all of the medical waste. Unfortunately, this charade was ruined when they started redoing the parking-lot-slash-underground-garage. Imagine lots of pounding and beeping-in-reverse trucks and you've pretty much got it.

But this is where the superhero comes in. See, there was another high rise down the coast from ours, and you could just see it out the window if you nearly dislocated your vertebrae. Or, if you wanted to take it easy on yourself, you could go out on the balcony. Anyway, I was on a conference call one morning when I heard the yelling. It sounded vaguely like, "Shut up, you f-ing f-ers!!!"

That's when I saw him. He was out on his balcony at 8:30 in the morning with a can of Old Milwaukee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. His mullet fluttered in the lake breeze; his wife-beater displayed his scrawny, sunburnt arms to maximum effect. He was the one man with the nerve to take a stand against the evils of early morning construction. He was MULLET MAN.

And sure enough, every morning they were out there, so was he, shouting various conjugations and combinations of the f-bomb, waving his beer in irate fury, running his hands through that party-in-the-front hairstyle of his. But this was no party, for Mullet Man felt strongly about the sanctity of his early morning booze-on, and he started flicking lit cigarettes down at the workers. One morning, he was simply gone. Vanished off into the hazy distance to help people in need: when early morning stillness is shattered by the monotonous beeping of a truck driving backwards.

It was probably for the best. My clients were always asking me who was shouting in the background, and it was hard for me not to giggle.

18 comments:

beth said...

So THAT'S where my dad was all that time! I've been wondering....

Barry Napier said...

His theme song was no doubt written by Lynyrd Skynyrd. And I'm sure there was a tattoo of a rebel flag somewhere...

Hanna Banana said...

OMG!! I hear Halloween ideas....

Jamie Eyberg said...

That is hilarious. I think he moved on to Council Bluffs, IA.

Lady Glamis said...

LOL! MULLET MAN. I love it, Carrie. Sounds like others have seen this guy running around!

Catherine J Gardner said...

I think there's a Mullet Man in every town.

Kiersten said...

I'm so happy to have inspired such an affectionate memory.

Sadly, there is no Mullet Man here. Otherwise I'm sure he'd be screaming the F-word to tell the teenagers to stop screaming the F-word.

But--we do have feral children. Does that count for anything?

Natalie said...

I think I saw him at the airport once. But he was in disguised as a mild mannered business man, his mullet tucked into the collar of his shirt. I could just tell something was off—like a really buff guy wearing glasses and pretending to be a nerdy reporter...

Mariah Irvin said...

I think I saw Mullet Man's son once at a cross country meet. He was tiny and mullety.

When my friends and I tried to cheer him on (because we are good sports) he gave us the finger.

Yup, definitely his son, Mullet Jr.

C.R. Evers said...

You caught me. I AM Mullet Man!!!! ~burp~

Natalie L. Sin said...

Awe inspiring. If only all men were so brave.

Kristy Colley said...

Have you seen his wife, Mullet Woman? Yeah, she's from my hometown. It's a sight to be seen for sure.

Kiersten said...

Natalie and Mariah both made me laugh. Niiiiiiiice.

Also, Carrie, your prize is finally up on my blog.

Scillius Maximus said...

Makes wonder who Mullet Man's side kick and/or crime fighting partner would be. Hmmmm. Let's see there's:

MUMU GIRL - With curlers in hair and fuzzy pink slippers, she is the ultimate in white trash who uses her ultimate attack of NAGGING to ultimately paralyze her opponents and bring them to their knees. She then usually follows up with the BITCH-SLAP (which she says it takes one to properly do one) to knock them out.

So can you think of any others? How about some arch villians? Like the STYLIST, who wants to cut his hair and take away his power.

Christina Farley said...

Very cool. like the urban jumpers?

Brenda said...

LOL...what a fun world you live in...grin..

sruble said...

Oooh, I'd like to borrow Mullet-Man. They're about to start all night construction right by our apartment. It's supposed to last for a whole week. Ugh.

Suzanne Casamento said...

Ohhh giggle, giggle, giggle. Maybe Mullet Man can come here and wail f bombs at my neighbors and get them to keep their 24/7 barking dog inside.