So anyway, I'll still be updating the Twilight parody about once a week until someone stops me. That someone might even be me.
Edition 6 - Ward's Killer Pants
The dream flickered, the fish sticks vanishing into nothingness. Ellba waved sadly in farewell; she felt a strange affinity with all things fishy, being in love with a merpire and all.
But then, she found herself in another memory, standing in the woods by a sparkling pond, Ward at her back. She knew it was him; either that or she was being stalked by a giant ice cube, and we're not talking about the rapper. She shivered and wrapped her arms against the cold emanating from his porcelain but still ochre-tinged skin.
"I know what you are," she said.
"Say it," he murmured, frosty breath caressing her ear. "I want to hear you say it out loud."
"You're always cold. You're overprotective of processed fish products. You slosh when you walk, even when it's not raining."
"Slosh slosh slosh."
"You make fish lips at me when I'm not looking."
"At least I control it better than Jas does."
"I know what you are. You're a complete freak."
Ward spun her around to face him. "You're kidding, right?"
"What, you think those fish lips are normal?"
He slid his hand over her cheek and cupped her chin. All of the breath left her body. She figured she'd better start breathing again, because she never saw Ward take a breath, and that was going to make CPR awfully tough.
Suddenly, she blinked. In slo-mo. Now it all made sense: the lack of breath, the way he never ate, the baby pool that mysteriously appeared in her room the other night.
"Are you part vampire, part fish?" she asked, taking an involuntary step back.
He nodded gravely. "I have the fins of a killer, Ellba. You don't want me."
She looked him up and down. He looked normal enough except for the faint ochre tinge to his skin and the gills. But really, it wasn't polite to point out the mutant tendencies of a guy that you were hoping to get to first base with. "Um... forgive me for asking this, but I've got to know. Exactly what parts of you are fishy?"
"Watch," he said, stepping toward the pond. He jumped into the air, leaving a pair of empty pants slouched on the ground. Before Ellba could get a glimpse of anything good, the lower half of his body shimmered, the legs merging, skin shifting into something shiny and scale-like. His feet morphed into a perfectly smooth, sparkling flipper, and he slid into the water without a splash.
"Wow," said Ellba when he surfaced. "I can't believe you jumped out of your pants like that. Do they have velcro on them or something?"
"Ellba," he growled. "You're out in the woods alone with a hungry vampiric merman who thinks you smell like meatballs, and you're worried about my pants?"
"Seriously," she said. "That was awesome. The merpire thing is neat and all, but I've never seen anyone jump out of their pants before."
"I could kill you right now. Aren't you afraid?"
"Go ahead and kill me," she said lightly, "But jump out of your pants again first."