Carrie Harris | Young Adult Author

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Twilight Parody - The Gratuitous Dream Sequence

And lo, there was more Twilight parody, and it was good. (I hope.)

Episode 5: The Gratuitous Dream Sequence

Finally, frustrated with the rampant lack of lip contact going on, Ellba fell into a restless sleep. The restless part may have had something to do with the fact that she was lying half in a baby pool with her legs smothered in Saran Wrap, but probably not. She was cradled on a rock hard, ice cold merpire chest, after all, and those were ideal sleeping conditions in Ellba's world.

She dreamt.

She dreamt in excrutiating detail about the first time that she met Ward, the kind of dream that you only have when someone is writing about you and forgot to put in some of the good stuff that happened to you before and is forced to resort to a dream sequence. She dreamt about the marinara incident in Chemistry class and its aftermath:

"So how's your first day going, Ellba?" asked her new friend, Chessica, eagerly bouncing in her seat. "Meet any hot guys?"

"Um... kind of." Ellba wasn't really paying attention. She was looking for a slim figure with a gliding walk and dreamy ochre eyes. She liked the way they sparkled. It almost made up for the fact that she now smelled like garlic and had pasta sauce stuck in her hair.

"Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle," she murmured.

"Um, what?" asked Chessie, following her gaze. "Oh. Don't even bother. The Kullins don't date. At least not us mere mortals."

"I wasn't thinking about dating him."

"Of course not. You were thinking about using his ass as an end table."

Ellba rolled her eyes. Twice, for emphasis. "Whatever."

She started eating, trying not to stare at the table where the Kullins sat with untouched lunch trays. She knew their names; in a small town like Spork, everyone was in everyone else's business. Ali, Mett, and Rosa seemed pretty okay, but Jas had this strange, uncontrollable habit of making fish lips at people. It was kind of freaky.

The door opened, and there he was. He passed by their table without even a glance in her direction. Ellba sighed and took a bite of her fish stick; suddenly he was glaring at her from across the room. His ochre eyes smoldered, only not literally because that would be really creepy.

She put the fish stick down. She'd only known him for half a day, but she already knew he was the kind of guy that a girl would give up anything to be with, even processed pseudo-fish products.

13 comments:

Hanna Banana said...

lol "using his ass as an end table"... LOVE IT!!

Jamie Eyberg said...

I'm with Hanna on this one. That was a priceless line.

Natalie said...

"Twice, for emphasis." Teehee. Twilight Parody Rocks.

SlayerOfBees said...

How do merpires walk? On their fins? The ass as an end table comment sounds vaguely familiar....I'm glad my backside has brought some laughs to your readers!

Kiersten said...

Oh, oh, oh, this is my favorite installment so far.

In fact, it's so good I have to quote it back to you, that's how good it is.

"the kind of dream that you only have when someone is writing about you and forgot to put in some of the good stuff that happened to you before and is forced to resort to a dream sequence." Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

"His ochre eyes smoldered, only not literally because that would be really creepy." But hot, too, because Ward is incapable of being anything other than hot, right?

Oh, dear Carrie, I love you.

Kristy Colley said...

Am I ass-backwards for wanting a fish stick right now??

Mariah Irvin said...

This is definitely my favorite thing to read. It makes my day "sparkle sparkle sparkle!"

Spork.

Scillius Maximus said...

::Faintly, from offshore, you hear Scillius whistle "Row Row Row Your Boat"::

Natalie L. Sin said...

Fine literature, indeed!

Litgirl01 said...

This is so hysterical, I HAD to go back and read the others! LOVE IT!!!! *waits anxiously for the next chapter*

K.C. Shaw said...

SPORK! OMG, Spork! Thank you, Carrie. You are awesome.

Can't wait until tomorrow, when I hope you'll have a massive end-of-week sparkly grand finale. (Fin-ale, geddit?)

Horror Girl said...

this is great! i was just browsing and found ur blog, and i'm going to have to go read the other sequences. i enjoy the sparkling.

Christy Raedeke said...

I would seriously buy the whole Twilight Parody book. Please, make it so!

 


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