From: The Universe
Subject: Carrie Harris
Date: Monday, April 20, 2009, 2:12 PM
Dear Ms Harris,
I am writing on behalf of The Universe to inform you of our official verdict re: yourself.
After extensive consideration, it has been determined that you do not suck. At all. In anything. Except when you use straws. Or get a little too enthusiastic while kissing Slayer.
If you have any further information requests, please don't hesitate to contact us.
This email really made me feel better, because I have been worried about the aforementioned suckage. In fact, I may need to have an I Don't Suck party sometime soon. I hope people will come to it, because otherwise I shall have to conclude that I do indeed suck as suckingly as possible.
But I'm not one to pass up the opportunity to exchange emails with the universe, so I wrote back:
Thanks for the update. Now please put your money where your mouth is. Universally speaking, of course.
If you have someone buy my book, I'll send you B-NAG. Although since it would be universal, I guess it should really be called UB-NAG. Either way, it will be kewl, and all the alternate universes would be jealous.
P.S. Yes, that was a bribery attempt. I admit it.
B-NAG is an acronym for bonus ninjas and grass. And when I say grass, I'm not talking about the calming but potent kind of grass. I'm talking about the stuff on your lawn (assuming that your lawn isn't calming but potent). And really, wouldn't you buy a book if it came with B-NAG?
I thought you would.
Another reply from The Universe:
Dear Ms Harris,
The Universe is not above bribery. How do you think Saturn got all of those lovely rings?
And my response to the Universe's response, which was a response to my response to the Universe's original email.
You got that?
B-NAG en route. Should I burn it in my backyard, or what?
P.S. Can I quote your letter on my blog? Because you are kewl.
And the response to the response that was a response to the response response to the original email:
Dear Ms. Harris,
Please send it with your friends, the pants-stealing aliens.
Also, yes, you may quote us. We are very vain and love recognition. After all, we are everything.
So, I need to rent a spaceship from the aliens to send some B-NAG to the Universe. I also need to thank Kiersten for her tireless work as the secretary... ahem ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT to the Universe.
I also need to show off my awesome zombatar. Don't you want a zombatar too? You can make one here.