Monday, January 5, 2009

All Hail Lord Tangent

I was thinking that it would be cool if dreamcatchers really caught what you dreamt about so you could play with it later. Last night, half asleep and half awake, I was wondering who would win in a fight between Zombie Tom Cruise and Batman. It would have been cool to wake up and see it in live action. I could have bet against me and see if I won.

Of course, if that really worked, and if I was smart, I'd dream about hybrid minivans. I'd have to hang the dreamcatcher on the side of my bed though, because how ironic would it be if I dreamt about a minivan and it manifested over my bed and squashed me.

Speaking of minivans, I've finally named mine. It's been resurrected so many times that I think it's a distant relative of Zombie Tom Cruise (on the zombie side, not the Cruise side). My minivan is now named HUUUUUURNGH! This translates as "runs like crap" in zombiespeak. The best part about this is that when it doesn't work, I can sit in the driver's seat and yell, "Run HUUUUUURNGH! Run!" Because for some reason, that strikes me as fricken hilarious.

Which makes me think that it's a pity that there is no zombiespeak dictionary. Because I'd like to be able to say, "The streetcar is filled with potato salad" in zombie. I can say it in German, and I've gotten a lot of use out of that sentence.

Actually, I really have. And now I want to write that darned dictionary. That's the problem with tangents; when I run with them, I usually end up with an idea that strikes my fancy, and then I've got to resist the urge to write it. I need a ghost writer, although not a literal ghost. Not like I'm prejudiced against ghosts or anything, but they'd end up dictating the book because everyone knows that ghosts can't type for crap, and I'd have to listen to the recording and try to transcribe it, which wouldn't save me any time at all.

Darned tangents. Now I want to write the zombie dictionary, a dreamcatcher book, and a frustrated-writer-ghost book. Maybe I could put them all together and write a book about a frustrated writer ghost that lives in a dreamcatcher and is writing a zombie dictionary. Tangentially. Because I'm all about the tangents.


Bryan B. said...


Of course, this only works if you laugh maniacally a la Jim Carey in Ace Ventura

Jamie Eyberg said...

Something tells me you could put all three together and make it sound plausible in a book.

Adrienne said...

I have a zombie minivan taking up space in my garage. My husband keeps promising me he'll get rid of it.

Rob Brooks said...

I thought of you this past weekend--my three year old son was looking at his Batman face mask and said, "Where is Batman's eyebrows?" I could laugh.

I'm sure if you ever really wanted to compile a zombiespeak dictionary, you could have lots of contributors right here.

Ray Veen said...

A pamphlet-length zombie dictionary would make excellent promotional material for your current book.

And Rob's right, we could help you. Run it past your agent, seriously.

(FYI, the other two ideas melded together would be a helluva fiction concept too.)

Anonymous said...

How about a book about a zombie who wants to write the zombie dictionary but needs a ghost writer because all of his fingers and toes have fallen off, and all he can really say is "Urhhmm". So the only writer he can find that will work for him is a ghost, and the ghost writer ends up saying ok and together they set off to write the thing in the zombie's one bedroom apartment. Every night the ghost sits in front of the computer screen, furiously trying to manifest his typing fingers into existrence, while the zombie sits behind him on the bed beneath his magic dreamcatcher and dictates. "Uhhrrmmm."

One night, though, when they are on the "M"'s, the zombie nods off thinking about how to say minivan in zombiespeak. A minivan is suddenly manifested in the dreamcatcher above and squashes the zombie and the ghost writer ghost is left to carry on Uhhrm's legacy.

Except that he hasn't even begun the "A"'s. Because he can't type.

Never mind.

K.C. Shaw said...

You could just make it a really short book.

Kelly Polark said...

Ohhhh, a zombie dictionary! You are the woman to write that! Write it while you are sitting in HUUUUURNGH for inspiration.

Carrie Harris said...

Bryan: Actually, I keep picturing it in a Forrest Gumpy type accent. Which is probably why it's so funny to me.

Jamie: Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think.

Adrienne: Well, if you need a name for it, I'm your girl. :)

Rob: Welcome! You've been assimilated into the cult of the Batbrow. We don't really do anything, but it sounded cool.

BPV: Hmm... now you have me really thinking. Which is dangerous. Veddy veddy dangerous.

Jeremy: Okay, I was half kidding when I wrote this entry, but when you put it that way, it really could work. ;)

KC: The dictionary or the story? Actually, you probably mean both, don't you? Heh.

Kelly: Yeah, except that I'd have to write longhand, and that's not a good thing. I have really crappy handwriting.

Rena Jones said...

LOL -- love it!

Fox Lee said...

Dreamcatcher was the only Stephen King book I didn't like. Which has nothing to do with this entry, but the brain goes where it wants.

Vikki said...

I would totally buy a zombie dictionary! It would be mighty handy to know how to say, "good morning, please don't eat my brain" in fluent zombie.

bunnyjo georg said...

The best-best-best zombie movie was Shaun of the Dead. Ok, ok, I'm slightly off topic but I couldn't resist. I laughed really hard, I cried over a character I hated, I got really, really scared. Where else can you get an equivalent emotional roller coaster ride without visiting relatives for the holidays (don't worry BPV, I don't mean MY relatives... ;)

PJ Hoover said...

I had one of those really frustrating dreams last night. Glad I didn't catch it!

K. M. Walton said...

Sometimes, tangents produce flashes of greatness. Just so you know.

Ronald L. Smith said...

Your first sentence is the start of a great book.

Also, Tom Cruise would be at a disadvantage because he is now sporting an eyepatch from the movie valkyrie.

So he's only got one eye.

But, he's still Tom Cruise. And we know he is all kinds of mad crazy.

Keri Mikulski said...

Ha..:) Who won the fight? Happy 2009!

Nora MacFarlane said...

Love your tangents! LOL

Ami said...

Totally totally agree with BPV. I had the same thought when I first beheld the tangenty goodness. You really should add the dreamcatcher to the list... after Chickens in the Bathtub, of course.

Scillius Maximus said...

At least this post is not named "Lord of the Tangent".

You know,where, somewhere in the middle a Michael Flatley like tangent would rip open his shirt while doing Irish step dancing . . .

Wow. I just tangented. This is a virus or crack or something. Highly contagious. Maybe too much fun.

You're right. All Hail Lord Tangent!

(Question: Do we have to sacrifice anything to it and/or would Ramrod get jealous?)

Christina Farley said...

I've always thought if I could capture my dreams it would be really fun to watch in the 'awake' state.

Your dream sounds wild. I'm sure it would have made a great movie.

Carrie Harris said...

Rena: Thanks. :)

Natalie: Actually, he lost me after Insomnia. I loved that one and just couldn't get into anything after that. It was kind of the same old same old.

Vivi: Wow. So you want your zombie dictionary to be polite? Because I'd be more like, "Get yo hands off my brain, sucka!" Or something like that.

Bunnyjo: I SO agree with you. We own it, actually. I think the best part is when they're singing in the alley. Slayer (my hubby) and I do that all the time. Or pretend to, since we don't own a zombie. Thanks for visiting and commenting!

PJ: Actually, that brings up a good point. I need a filter on the dreamcatcher.

KM: Very true. Except that they also sometimes produce crapola. ;)

Balthazar: Good point. Except that zombies generally rely more on their senses of smell than on sight. I just finished The Zombie Survival Guide, so I know.

Keri: I think it depends on what gadgetry Batman is carrying. For example, he could crush Zom Cruise under a couch and kill him.

Nora: Thanks for the compliment and comment! :)

Ami: Sad but true, I have only one stanza of the Chickens in the Bathtub. I am a bad, bad person.

Scillius: Lord of the Tangent. SNARF. I think Ramrod will be okay so long as we don't sacrifice any toaster waffles to the tangent.

Christina: Dream movies? I think they'd either be really cool, or really, really stupid. Know what I mean?

LauraBlue said...

Dear lord I just about choked to death on my water when I read that bit about being crushed by the hybrid minivan. XD

Lina said...

I remember my dreams really well most of the times. Sometimes that gets confusing becasue I mix things up. Today for example i talked about something I'd read for about 5 min until I realised that I only dreamt I read it. That was slighly akward to explain!

sruble said...


Hahahahaha! Thanks, I needed that! I'm probably laughing more, because I was thinking of the movie Run Lola Run, and then thought of Forrest Gump. :)

"Which makes me think that it's a pity that there is no zombiespeak dictionary."

I'll co-write that with you. It would be fun (and probably unpublishable, but still fun).