Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Google-Fu Inspiration

Here's some more proof that I am not the only lunatic inhabiting this planet. Here are searches that led people to my blog in the last two weeks. Imagine what a whole year of this insanity would look like. Although I have to admit that I suspect some people (and you know who you are) are screwing around with my data. I'm a statistician, people. Screwing around with my data is a good way to get me to climb a clock tower with a squirt gun.

Filled with glitter glue.

So without further ado, here are my areas of expertise, if you trust the art of Google-Fu.
  • Silly Batman sayings
  • Baby sniffing sounds
  • Batman foot fetish
  • Sparkle vamp
  • Snoop Dogg shizzle me
  • Tadpoles is the winner
  • Girls chesticals
  • Eyebrows make me look scary
  • Hilarious things snarf
  • Ninja love parody
  • My dad is a zombie killer
  • Why teachers are like babies
  • What to say to unreasonable requests
  • Attracting weird people
  • Richard Simmons lunging
  • Shakespeare zombie stories
  • The universe loves me
  • Review of Twilight sparkle pire
  • Patrician cheekbones
  • Man snarf
  • Zombe vs warwolf games (sic)
  • Zombies sweater vest
  • Paranoia will destroy
  • Evil eyebrows
  • Nacid peepul
  • Job where people shoot chickens out of cannons at airplane windows

No, I'm not making that last one up. If you are the person who searched for that item, please leave a comment. I want to shake your hand, virtually speaking.

And here's a story using those items, because I am just that masochistic.

Once upon a time, about a week ago, Richard Simmons was lunging around his living room. He was beginning to develop a complex; a man with evil eyebrows had been following him around for the past few weeks, and Richard wanted to be sure he could protect himself if it came down to it. Luckily, the man always wore a zombie sweater vest, so he was easy to spot. That was one good thing about attracting weird people: they were always easy to spot because they were, well, WEIRD.

Still, the whole situation was interfering with Richard's mojo, and that was not a good thing. "The universe loves me; the universe loves me," chanted Richard.

Then, the Voice of the Universe boomed around him, shaking the walls and knocking the sparkle vamp painting off the mantle.

"Actually," said the Universe, "I love Shakespeare zombie stories. I like you, though."

"Well, duh. They're hilarious things. Snarf."

"Snarf indeed. Man snarf."

"Universe Dude? You make no sense whatsoever." Richard stroked his patrician cheekbones thoughtfully. "Can I ask you a question, though?"

"My eyebrows make me look scary too."

"That wasn't what I was going to ask!"

"Oh. Sorry." The Universe sounded sheepish. "Batman does have a foot fetish. Is that what you wanted to know?"


"Well, what is it, then?" The Universe started to make sniffing sounds, like a baby. "I just can't keep up with all these unreasonable requests. I never know what to say, and I'm afraid I'm going to get fired, and then my wife is just going to nag nag nag me all the time--"

"Universe!" Richard interrupted. "Paranoia will destroy..."

"What? Paranoia will destroy what?"

"Um... I forget. I was too busy reading this review of a Twilight sparkle pire in the newspaper. I'm not sure what a pire is, but evidently it's sparkly."

"I don't know what it is either."

"Well, do you know what the bleep 'nacid peepul' is? Because I have no freaking clue."

"Me either. I'm such a failure as a universe. People are constantly writing to me and asking things. Like 'Do I suck?' or 'Why are teachers like babies?' And I never know what to say. I think I need to start looking for a new job."

"Well, Snoop Dogg shizzle me, I don't know either. Let me think." Richard lunged thoughtfully for a few minutes. Suddenly, he blinked. "I know! My dad is a zombie killer. You might be good at that."

"Nuh uh. The smell of rotting flesh makes me gag. I'm a failure!" the Universe wailed.

"Don't be silly!" chirped Richard, his desire to motivate people kicking in. "There are a million jobs you could do. You could write silly Batman sayings! Measure girls chesticals for brassieres. Write ninja love parodies. Or zombe vs warwolf games."

"What's that?"

"I dunno, but the world really needs one."

"I guess..."

"Or maybe... YES! I've got it!" Richard lunged triumphantly. "You could get a job shooting chickens out of cannons at airplane windows."

"You know; you're right!"

Richard grabbed his lucky tadpole off the dining room table and took it for a victory lap. Of lunges. "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is the winner!"

The Universe said, "I quit! It's airplane windoes and chickens from here on out!"

And then everything winked out of existence.


Barb said...

Now I don't feel so bad that people keep landing on my blog after searching on the word "flasher".

Really enjoying your posts.

Alan W. Davidson said...

The Richard Simmons story was hilarious, Carrie! The process of using all the search words reminds me of an exercise we used to do in a writing group I was in a lifetime ago...go around the table throwing out random words and the next person continues the story, etc.

It didn't always make sense, but it was good for a laugh and hopefully provided people with a grain of an idea for a story.

Keri Mikulski said...

:) Hilarious.

Lina said...

For someone not such a vize on this blogging thing. How do you check what people searched on to find your page? because now I'm curious how people find me (not that many do). Curious about last search to. Wonder if he/she ever found an interesting chicken/canon related job.

Jamie Eyberg said...

Have I ever told you that some of your readers scare the hell out of me?

Traci said...

LMAO!!!! So funny!

Kelly Polark said...

Who knew google searches could be a good story starter!? Funny!

Cate Gardner said...

I love other peoples demented google searches.

K.C. Shaw said...

Okay, that's the awesomest use of Google search terms I've ever seen.

Mythbusters did an episode about shooting chickens at airplane windows. Don't worry, the chickens were already dead. So were the planes, as it happens.

Hanna Banana said...

That type of story reminds me of when I was in high school. My English teacher would let us opt out of taking a vocab test if we wrote a story that included all of the vocabulary words. That made for some of the strangest and most nonsensical stories...

Adrienne said...

Now that was inspiring!
The strangest thing I've googled lately was "use of colon".
I was checking my punctuation.
So glad it wasn't an image search.

Mariah Irvin said...

What would we do without Google? Good thing all the searches can be found in your story. Otherwise, we would all perish.

Tiny T said...

That last search, the job would be mythbusters... They actually did a myth where they fired chickens out of a cannon at an airplane to see if the windows would break.... They did.

Fox Lee said...

People find me when they look for porn, which I find fantastic : )

Shelli (srjohannes) said...

my keyword searches are boring :( I want some of yours!

Kiersten White said...

I love it.

Especially when Richard suddenly blinks and solves everything!

Or, really, destroys everything.