The Do-It-Yourself Thank You Speech

I've always been surprised at how many people visit my blog to learn how to write thank you speeches. I am an expert at many things, most of which are undead or nonsensical (or undead AND nonsensical), but this one puzzled me for a while. But then again, I AM one of those strange people who actually enjoys public speaking, so maybe I can do a few things to help the huddled masses.

Actually, I think the Statue of Liberty has the huddled masses covered, doesn't she?

Anyway, here's how you can give the best thank you speech ever.

Step One: Quit feeling neurotic about it already! The people you are speaking to you must like you. After all, they gave you an award. You've already won them over.

Step Two: That little pep talk in Step One didn't work, did it? Okay. Forget that whole imagine the audience naked thing, because you could be speaking to the International League of Death Metal Bands, and you're going to scare yourself. Of course, if you're speaking to the International League of Supermodels, feel free to do that. Otherwise, I suggest you imagine your audience is wearing clown suits and zombie makeup, and they're all singing the Spice Girls.

And really, there's nowhere to go but up after that.

Step Three: Use the following Handy Dandy Carrie Harris Speech Maker (otherwise euphoniously known as the HDCHSM) to give the best speech in the world. Forget writing your own speeches. All you need to do is copy this and pick the best phrase for your situation.

Thank you, (Bob Barker/Rob Zombie/Tinky Winky), (for that kind introduction/for forgetting my name/for the gift basket full of Cheez Whiz). I'm so proud to be named the (hottest merpire pinup in the history of the universe/Vice President of the Secret Order of the Blog Ninja/international spokesperson for Cheez Whiz). I knew that I was destined for good things when I was five and I (grew gills and a secret love of baby pools/dressed up in a ninja outfit and put a computer on my head/ate seventeen cans of Cheez Whiz without throwing up). And now, all of my hard work has (paid off/kind of paid off/not really done anything except get me a big basket full of Cheez Whiz, and to be honest, I'm kind of sick of the stuff by now). I'm proof that hard work and (genetic mutations/incessant blogging/Cheez Whiz) can really make a difference. Thanks again for this (lovely award/completely useless award/what's up with all this freaking Cheez Whiz?!?!).

See? Writing a speech CAN be easy.