Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Twilight Parody - The Final Fish Stick

Is it true? Are we really to the final chapter of the (not so) infamous Twilight parody? Whatever will we do with ourselves now, other than obsessively rereading the old editions of intense Twilarity and reminiscing about the ghosts of fish sticks past?

Well, you'll have to stick around to find out. This Friday, in celebration of the end of our blogaversary week, I'm unveiling the new parody. And it is made of awesome.

Speaking of the blogaversary, you did enter the drawing, right? All you need to do is comment, and you'll have a chance to win a book of your choice. Awesome? Totally.

So, without further ado, the last installment of la parody de Twilight. Allow me to present to you:

Twilight Parody Edition 11: The Final Fish Stick
Ward sped off down the street, leaving the talent scout with the bulletproof afro standing in the road, gnashing his teeth and trying vainly to get cell reception. Ellba wanted to relax, wanted to believe that now she'd be safe, but one look at Ward's face convinced her that it wasn't going to happen.

She put a hand on his leg to comfort him but quickly withdrew it. It was kind of creepy touching him when he didn't have his scales on. Somehow the odor of fish sticks and sparkle makeup wasn't as pleasant when it was attached to skin.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"I'm taking you to the MAA. Merpire Addicts Anonymous. They're having a meeting across town; you'll be able to hide there while I find that agent and kick his fin."

"His fin?" Her heart leaped into her throat. "You mean he's a merpire too?"

Ward nodded shortly, except that he was actually kind of tall so that adverb makes no sense whatsoever. "And there's no way he'll go into a room full of merpire addicts. Not if he values his life. They get a little violent when they see a merpire."

"How do they know you're a merpire?"

He shrugged uncomfortably. "Our sweat has a particular scent. They call it merjuice. Actually, if you consume enough of it, it'll make you into a merpire."

"That's what makes you smell like fish sticks and sparkle makeup, right?"

He didn't answer, just pulled up in front of the hotel where the MAA meeting was taking place, dumped her unceremoniously on the pavement, and gave her a hurried kiss goodbye. From inside the hotel, Ellba could hear the screams of "Merjuice! Merjuice!" and a group of women came running out of the hotel at full speed just as Ward's car sped away. They all wore little nametags in the shape of merpires; Kristy grabbed her left arm and Megan her left. A petite little thing named Kiersten took her left leg, and another named Natalie (who wore orange shorts that would make Richard Simmons swoon with envy) took her right. Someone at the back of the crowd yelled, "Lick her! Lick her!"

"Stop!" yelled Ellba, before anyone could follow through on the whole licking threat. "I'm not a merpire."

Grumbling, the women dropped her. Ward was crazy if he thought she was going into that hotel with all the rampant lickers. She wandered off down the street. Of course, the agent with the bulletproof afro picked her up in his limo a few minutes later, because this story would be over too soon if he didn't.

He tied her to the rafters in a baby pool factory, which wasn't the most comfortable thing in the world but was a lot better than the potential of being licked to death. And there she waited until Ward showed up to fight for her.

The fight was tremendous.

Smash! Slosh! Sparkle! Swish!

Jermaine held Ward's head under the water.

Swop! Shick! Scratch! Soup!

Ward pulled off a piece of Jermaine's hair and stabbed him with it.

And then it was all over. Jermaine floated in the stagnant water of a super sized baby pool. As they watched, his sparkles faded, and his fins disappeared forever.

"Wow," said Ellba. "It's just you and me and a bunch of baby pools, isn't it?"

She waggled her eyebrows at him, and Ward sighed. It was so tough being so irresistible. He grabbed her and pressed his lips to hers.

"Sparkle sparkle sparkle, slosh slosh slosh, smooch smooch smooch," she mumbled with delirious, merpire inflicted joy.


MeganRebekah said...

I was laughing so hard I almost choked on my iced tea. And I think that my coworkers (who can't say me, but hear me through the wall) are now convinced I'm crazy.

And I'm definitely addicted to the merpire! Not sure I want to lick Ellba to death though. She gives me the shudders.

Can't wait for the first installment of the new series :)

Anne Spollen said...

Lol -- very funny --

My ten year old showed the movie at her sleepover. I couldn't believe how awful it was. Chalky makeup, robotic acting, but the kids were impressed.

Of course, they were also impressed when the gerbil located the shredded lettuce right there in his feeding dish...

Anonymous said...

Someone needs to option this stuff!

Aaron Polson said...

Yes! The bulletproof afro becomes a weapon!

storyqueen said...

Smash!Slosh Sparkle! Swish! Holy Merpire, Batman! That was the sloshiest fight scene ever!

drip, drip, drip......

You are seriously, disturbingly funny!


Natalie Whipple said...

Hehe, the waggling eyebrow is always trouble. Can't wait for the next series:)

Kiersten White said...

I wish I had been able to lick her. Ah well.

So romantic. And next time I get in a fight, I'm totally going to "soup!" them.

Jamie Eyberg said...

My new goal in life is to grow a bulletproof afro.

Anonymous said...


Kelly H-Y said...

Oh my goodness, you are hilarious!

K.C. Shaw said...

Tres romatic! I can't wait to read the new series!

Danyelle L. said...

This is a thing of great beauty. ;-)

Mariah Irvin said...

Snarftastic. I'm sad this has to end!

glovin said...

I'm definitely addicted to the Merrile! Not sure I want to lick Ellba to death though.

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