Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Eat My Dust, Dragon Lady!

I think I mentioned in passing that I'm planning to start working with a personal trainer again, right? I've been thinking about it, checking out the gym, stuff like that, and it brought to mind the Dragon Lady.

When Slayer and I first moved in together, we lived in a high rise right off of Lake Erie. Great lakefront view, nice sized apartment, and plenty of amenities in the place including our very own drug dealer right across the hallway. One of the other amenities which I actually USED was an exercise room in the basement. The room was key carded, so you had to swipe to enter. And one early evening, I went downstairs to avail myself of the treadmill and E! cable station, because they were playing one of those top 100 lists that crack me up.

That's another guilty pleasure. E! network. It's so bad that it's good.

I enter the room and trip over someone else's keycard. Because strips of plastic the size of credit cards are major tripping hazards to someone as graceful as me. Yes, I am a former dancer. No, not the kind of dancer that wears a lot of tassels. So I pick it up and look around. There's only one person in the place: it's the Dragon Lady, and she's on one of the treadmills.

Now, I'm not exactly with it when it comes to the whole makeup thing. I still don't quite understand how to put on eyeshadow without looking like a raccoon-in-training or Carla the Captivating Clown. And I don't see the logic in putting on makeup to go to the gym because, durr, it's the gym.

The Dragon Lady does not adhere to the same philosophy I do. She was all tarted up in a purple jogging outfit with low cleavage, full makeup including purple eyeshadow all the way up to her overplucked brows, and those long fingernails that make it impossible to do anything with your hands except sit around and get your nails done over and over again.

Well, we may have different philosophies on how to dress for the gym, and her keycard may have tried to kill me, but I am a good samaritan. I walked over, held up the card, and asked her if she dropped it.

She gave me the look of death. My heart skipped a beat, because I was afraid she was going to tear off her fingernails and throw them at me. Instead of answering me, she very deliberately turned up the volume of her sound-making device. I can't remember if it was an IPod or what. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a Walkman, because I'm not that old.

Now I'm pissed. I just tried to do something nice for the hooker in training, and she's not being nice back. She's not following the rules, and I don't mean the rules about not wearing scary eye makeup to the gym. So I get on the treadmill next to her and start it. She's watching some show about the stock market, which means that I don't get my E! television, and that only makes me angrier. So I very deliberately look over at her speed and set mine one notch higher.

At this point, I'm thinking something like: Eat my dust, Dragon Lady! Only there was no dust because we were on treadmills.

So I'm running, and feeling absurdly vindicated when she looks over to see my speed and immediately ratchets hers to one notch over MINE. You see where this is going. I can safely say that I have never gone so fast on a treadmill in my entire life.

But I won. Finally, purple rivulets of makeup running down her face, Dragon Lady gave me a disgusted look and turned off her machine. At this point, I was running for my life and concentrating on not getting thrown back into the wall, but I did manage to give her a smug look as she collected her things and left.

Not two seconds after the door closed behind her, I fell off. And my legs hurt for about two weeks afterwards. But it's okay. I scored a point for no-makeup-in-the-gym girls everywhere.


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ray Veen said...

Do something, Carrie, I don't want to have to sit here under the blog spam. I might get dripped on.

And now I can't even remember my clever 'dragon lady' comment.

Vikki said...

(peeing pants over spam. It's like Mad Libs on crack! It's always good to maneuver your Ugg boots around shuttered freeways.)

Anyhoo...I do NOT understand getting dolled up for the gym. I've taken kickboxing classes where women show up with their hair all curled and TINY little skin tight shorts (ummm...we're going to be doing roundhouse kicks. I hope you have those glued down!)

So happy you opened a can of whoop-ass on dragonlady. I get very angry as well when people get in between me and my E!

Carrie Harris said...

As comic as the ugg boots blower spam is, I have to delete it. Man, I do not want to have to approve comments. I really really don't.

BPV: Hopefully you're drip free.

Vivi: We should have an E! party. And I'm quite sure that Dragon Lady had a pair of those shorts. At first I accidentally typed "pain of those shorts" and that works too.

Brenda said...

WTG Carrie!!!

I was watching "Cops" the other night and saw them arrest a purple dressed, purple make-up'd, long fingernailed dragon lady...I bet it was her!!! grin...

Keri Mikulski said...

Love it! ;) I wish I was there to witness the run off.

Oh and the E network.. My favorite channel. :)

Aaron Polson said...

The gym...you're suppose to sweat there, right?

Bye bye, Dragon Lady.

Michelle D. Argyle said...

I am so not witty today. Or most days, for that matter.

But, uh, great job on beating the dragon lady. So did you keep the card? I'll be you did, and she never saw the inside of that gym again, did she? *evil laughter*

Tabitha said...

Wow, blog spam! I didn't make it here in time to read it, and now I'm sooo curious what it said. :)

The Purple Dragon Lady is hilarious! That would have pissed me off too. I mean, how hard is a simple shake of the head? Serves her right to have her makeup running down her face. I hope she ran into some smokin' hot guys living on her floor, and that they edged away from her. :)

Christy Raedeke said...

For the love of god, you cannot leave your people hanging! Can you re-post the Blog Spam comment, leaving out the offensive words, so we can still enjoy the flavor of it?

Cate Gardner said...

I'm just imagining the Dragon Lady's make-up melting. Go you!

I thought I bought myself a fab new exercise bike earlier in the year, it turns out I bought a clothes hanger. :)

Spam sucks.

Adrienne said...

Good for you!
People have time to do their hair, put on make-up, get their nails done and go to the gym, too? I am doing things all wrong.

Carrie Harris said...

Brenda: That affords me a strange amount of satisfaction. I think I'm a bad person. ;)

Keri: Yours too? Want to come to an E! party? Because, y'know, we live so close.

Can't blame me for trying.

Aaron: Apparently not. Apparently, you're supposed to get tarted up and tick people off.

Glamis: I did take the card. And debated doing something witty to it, but I don't think it ever happened.

Tabitha: It was just some sports report, with ads for ugg boots and blowers stuck in it at random. And it was really LONG.

Christy: See, if it had had some offensive words in it, maybe I would have kept it. But no. Like I told Tabitha: sports, uggs, and blowers. Boooring.

Cate: Yeah, we have one. It's sitting right next to me, collecting dust. See, if I stay home, I'll get distracted. But at the gym, there's nothing else to do. At least that's the theory.

Michele Thornton said...

I know the Dragon Lady! Somehow, she must teleport to my town, because I run into her at the grocery store/dance studio/PTA meetings all the time. Purple eyeshadow is appropriate in NONE of those places. EVER.

K.C. Shaw said...

*happy sigh* Thank you for restoring my good humor today. Reading about a dragon lady being totally BESTED has made me feel all vicariously smug.

Tiny T said...

I never did understand the women that work out with the works and nice clothes, when they're going to get all sweaty and dirty. Although I've come to realize I have to work out by myself because other females feel the burn and quit. They don't warm down or push a little father. :( Kind of a let down when I'm pumped to keep going.

Kelly Polark said...

I LOVE the E! channel! Especially Joel McHale and Chelsea Lately...
Okay, okay, when I was in high school I seriously applied makeup before playing in basketball games...but I'm not so vain now. Okay, only a tiny bit...:0)

Fox Lee said...

I would have looked down her top the whole time. That would get the little skank out of there : )

Anonymous said...


Suzanne Casamento said...

You don't know how to put on eye makeup either? I want to be your BFF!

Carrie Harris said...

Adrienne: No doubt. I'm lucky if I remember to put on pants. Well, not literally, but it sounded funny.

Michele: Either that or she has a TWIN. (gasp!)

KC: I'm happy to help bring joy to all my fellow non-tarts!

Tiny T: Well, there's your first problem. Women don't sweat, of course. We GLISTEN.

Kelly: At least in basketball people are watching you play. But you don't go to the gym to be watched. At least normal people don't. Or shouldn't. Or whatever.

Natalie: She probably would have liked it. ICK.

Elana: Well, you have to stop sometime. :)

Suzanne: You don't either? We may have been separated at birth.

Ello - Ellen Oh said...

Seriously Carrie, they are at every single gym I have ever been at! I never have understood the mentality. If you are there to sweat and really work out, why are you tarted up? And gosh I hate those bathing suit thong things they wear over really tight tight leggins. shudder.

Scillius Maximus said...

I wonder what would have happened if water had been thrown on her, a ala wicked withch of the west maybe?

Carrie Harris said...

Ello: Ugh. UGH. Well, at least now I know what NOT to get you for your birthday. :)

Skilli: Now if only I had a time machine to go back and test that theory out.