Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Sweater Vest from You-Know-Where

For his birthday, my son got no less than five Star Wars Transformers, and no duplicates. What kind of luck is that and why doesn't this kind of thing happen to me? I have very poor luck when it comes to the birthday giftage. If it is somehow duplicative, damaged, faulty, recalled, or butt ugly, someone will buy it for me.

Up until this very moment, I viewed this as mere coincidence, but now I'm starting to wonder if people are trying to tell me something.

For example, I give you my 15th birthday. That was the year that my aunt gave me the Tit Obsessed Flamingo Vest right in front of all of my friends. Although you might not believe me, I can quite honestly say that the Tit Obsessed Flamingo Vest was worse than it sounds. It was a grey sweater vest, which is negative style points to start with, even in the late 1980s. And it was festooned with two huge hot pink flamingos that stared with bulging eyes at my breasts.

Because you know, I was 15, and apparently what I needed was more attention brought to my chestal area. By pervy flamingos, no less.

Now, earlier, I was complaining about my knack for problematic giftage. If you give me an adorable sweater, it will mysteriously unravel the first time I wash it. Buttons fall off cute and kicky skirts when I'm not looking. Handy little gadgets are stolen by small birds to furnish their in-nest entertainment systems. But that damned Tit Obsessed Flamingo Sweater refused to die. I actually put it into the washing machine on accident with a pair of scissors, and it came out without a single snag.

Flamingos have long been one of my favorite animals. I like them despite the fact that they now remind me of Miami Vice and the Tit Obsessed Sweater, two horrible associations that do not taste great together.

We're in the Month-o-Harris-Birthdays, and mine is coming up on Saturday. If anyone gives me a sweater vest, I'm throwing myself out the window. Just wanted to warn you in case I suddenly disappear.


C.R. Evers said...

Happy almost B-day! And may you have no butt ugly sweater vests in your future.


K.C. Shaw said...

Happy upcoming birthday! *goes out to shop for tit-obsessed flamingo products*

Jamie Eyberg said...

I was thinking a fun game of lawn darts. Good clean b-day fun.

SlayerOfBees said...

I had no idea you've hated all of those gifts I've given over the years! I guess I'll return the baseball cap with giant fuzzy boobs in a bikini on the front and the 2 can holders with straws on the sides that I got you. Unfortunately, the sweater vest is not returnable so you'll have to deal with it this year.

Afterthought - my verification word was cryopapp which is just all sorts of badness.

SlayerOfBees said...

Christy: Now that's a birthday blessing worth having. Thanks. :)

KC: If you find anything, you've got to let me know.

Jamie: With the sweater vest as the target, maybe?

Slayer: Ahem. I forgot to mention the potato. Because that is the BEST birthday gift I've ever gotten, and I'm not lying. I love potatoes, and you had me in agony trying to figure out what the heck it was.

Carrie Harris said...

Ahem. That last post was actually Carrie. Darned shared computers.

Aaron Polson said...

I'm always amazed at clothing that areas.

The word verifications are starting to frighten me...tutsent

Isn't that like a curse or something?

PJ Hoover said...

OK, I'll save this for the holidays then.

Cate Gardner said...

Ooh, Happy Happy Birthday.

Adrienne said...

Have fun on Saturday!
Need some polyester pants to go with that vest?

RE the word verification thing - the other day I got menis.

Christy Raedeke said...

You are now, officially, my new favorite blogger in all the world.

Carrie Harris said...

Aaron: Either that, or tutsent refers to messages from beyond the grave sent by pharaohs. For example: King Tut told me to play some numbers in the lotto. I sure hope I win.

PJ: I'll be in a more sweater-vest compatible mood then, thanks! ;)

Cate: Thanks. I'm old.

Adrienne: Menis? That sounds REALLY pervy.

Christy: Aww... I feel like I ought to get you something. You don't need a new sweater vest, do you?

Scillius Maximus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scillius Maximus said...

At least it's not something like the pink bunny pj's Ralphie received in A Christmas Story. I can think of nothing worse to give to a boy in fourth grade.

Since the month 'o Harris b-days is in the holiday season, here's a link to that aforementioned classic:

Fra Ra Ra Ra Ra RA!

(My confirm word was boaries . . . the mind boggles)

Tiny T said...

The worst gift I ever received was actually one Christmas. I was about 12/13 and my Grandmother told me to open this one particular little box. Excited! I opened the paper carefully and peered inside to see..... drum roll please.... a box of tampons!!! Seriously! I was devastated and horrified at he same time. I couldn't believe it! Then she told me to open the box and inside was a necklace and earrings she had made. -_-

Happy soon-to-be-your Birthday!!! November rocks :)

I promise, no flamingo vests.

Kelly Polark said...

At our family Christmas gathering last year, we had an Ugliest Sweater contest! (to wear NOT to give!) It was hilarious! At the fourth of July get together, the men had a strangest facial hair contest, too. :0)

Fox Lee said...

Relatives never know what to get you. I swear they just open ca catalog and point.

Mary said...

Good quality married with bad design is so infuriating. Hideous clothes should not last forever. In fact, they should disintegrate after one day to spare the sanity and self-respect of the owner. Especially if the owner is a teenager and the embarrassing garment a gift from their aunt. Or uncle. Or anyone else!

Vikki said...

Happy almost birthday to you! And I'll tell emotionally damaging as that sweater sounds, there are elderly in Florida who would consider you on the cutting edge of style. Throw some seersucker knee length short into the mix and, oy vey, you'd be popular!

Rena Jones said...



Michelle D. Argyle said...

How about money? Is that every a bad gift???

If I had your address I'd send you something. :)

You'd probably hate it.

Laini Taylor said...

That vest sounds hideous! Reading "How to Ditch Your Fairy" right now and this makes me think that a "good birthday gift fairy" might be a nice thing to have.

Oh, and Jim and I just watched capoeria guy 3 times. Snarf, indeed!

Brenda said...

Happy soon-to-be birthday!!!

Carrie Harris said...

skilli: Yeah, Slayer loves that movie too. :)

Tiny T: And she wrapped it like that on purpose, right? Hah!

Kelly: Uh... what does strange facial hair look like? What did the WINNER look like?!

Natalie: Yeah, and all of my relatives (not including Slayer and my inlaws) get the old people catalogs. You know, the ones with the back scratchers in the shape of Siamese cats and things like that.

Mary: Yep. You can either buy cute or durable. Somewhere, someone is laughing at us.

Vivi: Thanks for the style tip. Once I turn old tomorrow, I may do that. ;)

Rena: Snarf. I should see if I can't find any. But Teen Me may have burnt them.

Glamis: It's good, unless it's Monopoly money. Which someone actually gave me once.

Laini: If you see that fairy, please send her my way. Because I'm going to beat her up. How dare she ignore me!?! ;)

Brenda: Thanks, sunshine!