Friday, December 12, 2008

How Goats and Samurai Swords Relate to Home Improvement

This weekend, we're going to have a house full of people, so I've been trying like blazes to finish up the minor projects we've got going on. I unpacked the last of the boxes (or cheated and moved them downstairs). I got the paint for the family room. Washed the chocolate milk off the couch. Put the sacrificial goat in the closet.

Actually, I'm kidding on that last one. Although that comment makes me think of my old roommate. I've mentioned these roommates once before; they're the ones that make me think of Three's Company, only there were two guys and one girl, which would be me in case you were wondering.

One time, a Jehovah's Witness came to our door. I'm all about the religious freedom, but I wish people wouldn't exercise it on my front doorstep. Anyway, Janet (the little guy who looks vaguely Satanic) answered the door and listened politely to the beginning of the lady's speech, asked her to hold on a moment, and yelled to me: "Honey, would you put the sacrificial goat in the closet? I think it's eating the throw pillows again."

That woman ran as fast as she could and never came back.

It was fun living in the Three's Company townhouse. There was one time that I had a stalker. One of the many times, actually, because I attract stalkers the same way that I attract freaks in the gym. I wonder if it's my deodorant. So this stalker would follow me on the bus to campus and tell me all about what he wanted to do to me, which is NOT funny at all and actually had me frightened as all heck. This was a couple of weeks before I moved in with the guys, but they already had my back.

One night, I was hanging at their apartment, helping them pack for the move. (Actually, we had a shaving cream fight, but we were ostensibly packing.) And the stalker kept driving around the block past their place, so when it came time to leave, they walked me outside. First out the door was Chrissy, who you might remember was a big hulk of a guy. Paint him green and he totally could have been in the movie. And he lumbered out the door and growled a lot, not like the guy in the car could have heard him, but I think he was psyching himself up just in case.

Then came me, all frightened and twitchy like a little bunny.

And then I heard a noise from behind me, a shrieky, frightening noise that had me quaking in my little boots. Down the stairs thundered Janet (reminder: little guy who looks like Satan) with a samurai sword held over his head, bellowing at the top of his lungs. He charged past us in a frenzy and started chopping the hell out of the bushes. The little old couple that lived in the front of the building took one look outside, saw him chopping their plants into kibble, made a sound kind of like "eep," and shut their window. Smart, smart people.

And then the stalker drove by, saw the insanity that was my roommate-to-be and his big pointy sword, and sped away so fast that he almost rear ended another car. The bastard never bothered me again.


SlayerOfBees said...

Your stalkers seem to be very short-lived. between that guy and Antonio I've just got to chuckle. Let me know if any new creeps show up - I think I'm going to start having fun with them!

Unknown said...

Lesson learned: swords solve all problems.

Keri Mikulski said...

Wow.. Craziness. :) The stalker, not the sword incident - that was smart. :) Have fun with your company.

Bryan B. said...

This story would've been better only if it involved a ninja sword.

But, I like it.

Jamie Eyberg said...

I've had knives pulled on me but not swords (and not for stalking, I used to run a pool hall)

Scillius Maximus said...

Sigh. If this keeps up Carrie-chan, we're gonna have to get a RRNAS* assigned to you full time.

(*Rapid Response Ninja Attack Squad)

Ray Veen said...

What an amazing coincidence, I lived with two guys too!

Of course, my roomates weren't so interesting - they just used a lot of drugs.

Adrienne said...

Way to go Janet/little Satan guy. Good lesson, too - crazy scares away creepy.

Aaron Polson said...

"This story would've been better only if it involved a ninja sword"

Yes, but a ninja would't have screamed while running down the stairs.

PJ Hoover said...

Good reason to keep a samurai sword around the house!

Tiny T said...

RRNAS :) Reminds me of a friend that had someone trying to break into their place. So he snuck outside to the window they were trying to get it and then ran at them with a samurai sword in his boxers screaming!

Rena Jones said...

Is this out on DVD yet?

Kelly Polark said...

You need to write an autobiography with all of your stories...seriously!
I lived with two guys and two girls plus one bathroom my senior year of college...luckily no sword fights though!

Fox Lee said...


sruble said...

You have all the fun ... My three's company roommates were really great, but wouldn't have taken out the bushes for me, and they didn't look like Satan and the Hulk.

Cate Gardner said...

Everytime I read your blog I think 'I haven't lived'. :)

K.C. Shaw said...

*Makes shopping list for the weekend*
Christmas socks
sweater de-piller
sink drainer

*underlines sword*

Carrie Harris said...

Slayer: Yeah, I'll have to tell the Antonio story some day. That's a good one. :)

Oh, and you're going to START having fun with them? Weren't you already?

Beth: Except for the I've-got-too-many-swords problem. ;)

Keri: Yes, like so many things in my life, "craziness" sums it up nicely.

Bryan: Man, there's no pleasing you, is there?

Jamie: Something tells me that you would have turned a guy with a samurai sword away from the pool hall. Because you're smart.

Scillius: Oh, that story is from years ago. And all the trainers at the gym have my back. ;)

BPV: Oh, I haven't even gotten started on the chemically altered stories. Not that I was ever into that, but I like laughing at people who are.

Adrienne: Yeah, crazy trumps a lot of things, doesn't it?

Aaron: And the scream was a large part of what made it so funny. I agree.

PJ: Or in our case, many MANY swords.

Tiny T: I hope the boxers were printed in cartoon characters or something.

Rena: My life as a sitcom. It really could work.

Kelly: So now I've got to do a sitcom and an autobiography? I'd better get to work!

Natalie: Um... you should pick up your butt. I think you just laughed it off.

sruble: You have a very odd definition of "fun," my friend.

Cate: You have. You've probably just been smarter than me. It doesn't take much.

Carrie Harris said...


sruble said...

I have an odd definition of a lot of things.

BTW, I got a whack a zombie kit at the bookstore yesterday. I'm telling you, because I think you might want to ask Slayer for it as a gift, or not. There's this little blow up plastic zombie that you can whack (like a weeeble, it wobbles and doesn't fall down). The zombie is kind of freaky looking though. DH says it looks like Nixon. It also has a little book of zombie facts, which I'm going to read on vacation, because nothing says Christmas like zombies. See, there's another odd definition for you. ;)

Vikki said...

Yikes, Carrie! Thank god for satanic Janet and his bad-ass sword wielding (I bet I'm the only one in the world who uttered that phrase today).

Bryan B. said...

Ha...not today, obviously. I've been doing laundry, dealing with sick children and continuously thinking, "Okay, now I'm going to go write."

Then throw up or some kind of laundry buzzer goes off.

Yeah, so...filter anything I say through that...

Yes, but a ninja would't have screamed while running down the stairs.

I maintain that it is impossible to actually hold a ninja sword and not go down the stairs running....;)

Bryan B. said...

Okay, wait. Actually, you might not scream with a ninja sword. You'd probably drop out of a tree and do the dubbed-laugh over-thing as you stood above the stalker's body....

I don't know, it just came to mind...

Elizabeth said...

I really want to say something goofy but my two year old has decided to make today Official Trantrum Day and I can't think well through the screaming...I've never had a stalker... here let me try and think to be sure...(this is what is sounds like at my house right now: ARRRRRKKK!!!!!! Biff!NNOOOOO!!!!!!! Whak!EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIII!!!!! Doh!)
... nope no stalkers.
( a lull in the noise)
Oh wait!!! I've had a 50 yr old husky Argentinian creep want to 'deepen our work relationship' and it got to the point where I had to call the police.. does that count?

Brenda said...

Okay, are you sure you weren't at my first wedding and saw my Ex MIL doing this down the middle of the church trying to scare me away from her little boy? I wish I had taken the hint like your stalker would have saved me a lot of wasted time...grin...

I agree with need to write a book of mini stories about your life...You could be on Oprah and make her snarf...grin...

Michelle D. Argyle said...

Um, my religion sends out people to your door, too. But I'm not a JW. I'm wondering if our missionaries would run at the sound of "sacrifical goat"


That's very, very funny! I'll tell them to be wary of your porch. :)

Suzanne Casamento said...

I love that you're blogging about your stalkers! Maybe you can create "Stalker Week," and post a story about each of them? And we could start a club for people who have been stalked and teach them "crazy beats creepy" samurai sword tricks!

Clearly, I am avoiding revising.

Anonymous said...

How funny. And so nice to have people around who will go to such lengths for you. Though I have a feeling they secretly enjoyed the drama!