Monday, December 1, 2008

Why the Panty Police Should Exist

One of the nicest things about having your own house is the washer and dryer. I'm not kidding. I love my washer and dryer. I love them so much that I've decided to name them Batman and Robin, and I will send them Christmas cards, which are two completely unrelated facts but should still fully demonstrate how much me likey the fact that they are all mine.

See, I was once the victim of a panty bandit.

It was my freshman year of college, and I was living in the honors dorm, because I am of course a big geek (see the names of my washer and dryer above if there was any question of that). And the laundry was all the way on the top floor. But the cute boys were on the fourth floor where I lived, hanging around in the hallway, walking on their hands and eating dog biscuits. I kid you not. So there was no way that I was going to do something like sit upstairs with my laundry and STUDY. No, I was going to ignore the "Do not leave your laundry unattended" signs. Instead, I sat in the hall outside my door, ate dog biscuits, and flirted like the world was about to end.

Unfortunately, when I went upstairs to pick up my laundry after all the flirting and dog biscuit consumption, I discovered a disturbing thing. Someone went through all three of my loads and picked out all of the cute undies and bras. The only ones that were left were the back of the drawer ones that you do not wear when you are planning to eat dog biscuits and flirt like the world is about to end.

Now, on one hand you might think that it could be a lot worse. Better to have your panties filched than your stereo equipment or something expensive like that. But there are problems with this that you may not have thought of. First, there is the sudden underwear shortage that must be dealt with, which is difficult to do when it's 10:00 at night and you're just discovering that a thief has made off with your unmentionables.

Then, there's the question of reporting. Because I do believe that people ought to report crime to the police. We can't expect them to catch bad guys if they don't even know they exist, right? But then, there's the matter of describing the missing material, and something about verbally describing all of my panties to a bunch of strangers just doesn't work for me.

And lastly, there's the curiosity factor. Because honestly? For the next week or so, every time someone talked to me? I was wondering if they had my panties in their pocket. Which was really distracting, to say the least. I'm sure everyone thought I was a horrible conversationalist, which is probably why nothing ever came of my eating dog biscuits and flirting like the world was going to end.


Ray Veen said...

You should change your comment settings to allow anonymous posters.

You never know.

The guilty party might just wish to turn himself in.

Keri Mikulski said...

A panty bandit.. Hmm..

Actually, I knew someone once who collected this sort of thing. My friend and I were snooping and found an interesting collection. But, he's serving a long sentence right now. I wonder if it was him.

Jamie Eyberg said...

One of my sister's roommates was the victim of one as well.

Cate Gardner said...

I'd have reported it and offered the handsome young cop a few dog biscuits. :)

Tiny T said...

See I'm such a student that I would have sat with my laundry and study or read a book. :) However if I hadn't I agree with Cathrine only I wouldn't have been able to go through with it because I'd have blushed till my whole body was red and I'd have stuttered! NOT something you'd want to do when reporting a panty bandit!

Vikki said...

Hmmm...sounds like an act of revenge to me. Some girl saw you moving in on her would-be boyfriend and flew into a jealous rage. "I'll kill her! No, better...I'll root through her laundry and steal her underwear!" And can we blame her? Once you meet that perfect guy who openly feasts on dog biscuits, it's all over.

Aaron Polson said...

People steal underwear?


Adrienne said...

My husband knew someone this happened to. Turned out one of her psych. major friends was also a klepto...

I guess the panty police did get to the bottom of that one.

Kelly Polark said...

Some perverted college boy is my guess (wait, aren't all college boys perverted?)! I was the geek who would study while doing my laundry (ours was in the basement), but then again no one took my panties either! :0)

Tabitha said...

LOL!! I just spewed tea all over my keyboard. :)

Okay, okay, I fess was me. :)

Jeremy D Brooks said...

See, that just doesn't happen to guys...if it did, we'd probably run out in the hall to celebrate with high-fives and, biscuits.

sruble said...

That's awful! I hate laundry thieves! Plus that would really suck to suddenly have no underwear or bras to wear.

I do envy having your washer and dryer though. I would kill for my own washer/dryer!

Carrie Harris said...

BPV: I'm not sure that would make me feel better. Actually, I think it would weird me out.

Keri: I knew someone in college who collected worse things which I will not mention. As soon as I found out, I stopped knowing him. UGH.

Jamie: She didn't go to University of Toledo, did she? ;)

Cate: Now if I would have thought of that back then... yet another reason I want a time machine.

Tiny T: Yeah, I probably would have giggled so incessantly that they wouldn't have understood two words I said.

Vivi: And you know what? If that's the case, it worked, because it got me off my flirting game.

Aaron: I know. I don't want to think about what they did with it.

Adrienne: Heh. Score one for the panty police.

Kelly: Well, you were the good geek, and I was the slacker geek, I guess. :)

Tabitha: I knew it! I'd ask for them back, but they wouldn't fit me any more anyway. Snarf.

Jeremy: It would almost be worth the trouble just to see that.

sruble: You can borrow Batman and Robin if you want.

Fox Lee said...

Two words leap to mind: Furious masturbation.

Scillius Maximus said...

Hypothetical: Who would apply to be a Panty Police officer?

People who can not get jobs at Victoria Secret? Guys who are pledging a fraternity? The mind boggles at the possibilities.

One thing though, the only line that would be longer on Career Day would be for the job of shooting live chickens out of a cannon to test airplane windows (props to Jeff Foxworthy on thinking this one up).

K.C. Shaw said...

My dorm had someone who would steal food from the floor fridge, even if it was marked "Danger! Science experiment!" I guess they saw right through my little games. But that's not nearly as creepy as someone stealing underwear. Wow. It's enough to put anyone off dog biscuits for life.

Ello - Ellen Oh said...

The idea that someone else touches my clothes is so freaking horrifying to me that I never ever ever left my clothes alone. I sat there until they were done. Yep. So this I never experienced. But I admit to giggling whenever this happened to my friends who would, like you, leave their laundry unattended.

Rena Jones said...

My husband worked in law enforcement for over 20 years and I'm sure he's heard it all, including stories like this.

Funny post, Carrie!

Michelle D. Argyle said...

*shudders all around*

Who on earth would want to wear somebody else's underwear????

*shudders again*

Even if it WAS just washed . . .

How did those dog biscuits taste?