Friday, May 29, 2009

Twilight Parody: The Merpire Bowling League

Has it really been almost a month since I posted some Twilight parody? How have we lived this long? Why didn't someone tell me? There should have been rioting in the streets, and a line of picketers outside my house with signs like, "More Merpires, Less Other Assorted Crap!" and "Your Twilight parody rocks my socks off... or it would if you remembered to write more of it."

You're slacking, people.

Anyway, this edition of my "Twilarious" parody is called The Merpire Bowling League.

Ellba was cleaning off her truck when Ward fell on top of the cab with a heavy, wet sounding thump. He slid off the side and fell smack into a puddle.


She rushed to him, heart pounding at the thought that something bad might happen to him and then she'd be stalker free. It wasn't the kind of existence she wanted to ponder. She needed to be stalked like most people need to eat, although she wasn't going to deep fry Ward and eat him with a nice jalapeno tartar sauce.

Not for lack of trying, anyway.

"I'm fine," he said, irritably rubbing his head. "I guess I should have remembered to put my legs on before I jumped." He concentrated for a moment until his scales shimmered ochrely and then split into two well-defined legs. He stood up. Ellba tried not to stare, tried to forget about the tartar sauce in her back pocket. It wasn't working.

"Are you drooling?" he asked.

She shook her head wordlessly, not trusting herself to speak.

"Whatever. Anyway, I came over in such a hurry because I want you to meet my family."

"You do?" she squeaked.

"Yes. We're bowling tonight. I want you to come."

"Bowling doesn't seem very merpire-ish," said Ellba skeptically. "Are you sure this isn't a joke?"

He grinned, and the effect was so glorious that she swooned. But when she came to, he said, "No, my beautiful Ellba. I don't joke about bowling. Now let's go."

She was a little confused when, instead of heading to the Spork Bowling Center, they took the back roads out of town and into the wilderness. They drove for a long time. He was silent, and she was too busy trying to surreptitiously wipe the drool off her chin to keep up a decent conversation.

When they pulled into the clearing and he turned off the car, she said, "Uh, Ward? How are you going to bowl HERE?"

"Watch and learn, my little love guppy. This isn't your average bowling. This is merpire style."

He grinned again. She swooned again too, but that's getting a little repetitive, so you just fill in all the blanks, okay? Every time Ward talks, you just imagine Ellba doing her little swoony thing. Thanks.

When she followed him out onto the grass, she noticed a long line of Slip n' Slides stretching out into the dim yonder, at least two football fields away. Ward's sister Ali came up to survey the field, linking her cold arm with Ellba's.

"This is going to be so kewl!" she said, her pixie-like face glowing with anticipation. "I'm so glad you came, Ellba. You can be the scorekeeper." She handed over a little bowling card and a tiny golf pencil. "I'd do it, but with my crazy merpire strength, I keep breaking the pencils. That one started off normal sized before I pulverized one end. Merpires invented golf pencils; did you know that?"

"Uh... no."

"Don't mind Ali," said Ward easily. "She doesn't make very much sense."

"And Ward's a big boobie. But don't mind that. Just call them like you see them, Ellba."

"Uh... okay," said Ellba uncertainly.

"You don't mind if I fin up first, do you, Ali?" Ward asked. And before Ali could reply, he took a few giant steps backwards and winked at Ellba before running full speed at the Slip N' Slide. He moved so fast that he was a blur; his legs shifting into those beautiful ochre fins that haunted Ellba's dreams. His fishy body rocketed down the wet plastic, sending up sprays of water, and then there was the faint crack of contact coming from the other side of the clearing.

"Well?" said Ali, looking at Ellba.

"Well what?"

"You're supposed to call it like you see it."

Ellba squinted into the dim distance. "I can't see a freaking thing."

"Well, it was a strike." Ali snatched the scorekeeping materials away from Ellba, crushing the pencil into dust in the process. "Damnit. Now we can't keep score. You wanna be the ball? That might be fun."

"Only if I can be a sparkly ball," replied Ellba. "Sparkle sparkle sparkle."


Jamie Eyberg said...

I want to crawl inside your mind and just hang out for awhile.

Barb said...

"my little love guppy" I just spat tea everywhere.

Natalie Whipple said...

If I hadn't been wracked with edits I would have picketed outside your house. Totally.

That made Friday even better. Teehee.

Anonymous said...

"she needed to be stalked the way some people needed to eat"

hey whatever floats your boat haha

very nice parody as always ms carrie

Alan Davidson said...

I wish that I had just a fraction of your zaniness (is that a word)?

Ray Veen said...

I love the swoony thing. I don't like to use snarf because it's kind of your trademark word, but that's what happened when you told me to imagine Elba swooning every time Ward opened his mouth. My frontal sinuses worked in conjuction with my oropharynx and diaphragm to simultaneously force and choke on a laughter-flavored breath. Is that pretty much the anatomy of a snarf? Cuz that's what I did.

OMG Carrie, I think you've invented a powerful new tool for writers everywhere. Instead of working really hard to portray things with words, we can just tell the reader to get off their can and use their own danged imaginations.

Kiersten White said...

Well, just what I imagine Ellba doing every time Ward talks is exactly what I do every time I read this masterpiece.

Pardon me, I've got to go swoon...

K.C. Shaw said...

I never thought bowling could be so, so romantic. I wasn't convinced before, but now I understand why Ellba swoons. :)

Mariah Irvin said...

I got so excited when I saw the words "Twilight Parody" on my dashboard. Is that healthy?

Anonymous said...

How did I completely miss this addition?
Gosh, just spork me.

Twas awesome!