Don't ask me why. It just does.
Anyway, the big question when you're writing a self-aggrandizing movie is who gets the honor of playing the title character. And I've got the perfect person to play me: Katy Perry. You know, that chick who sings the song, "I kissed a ghoul... and I liked it"? That's a match made in heaven right there.
The best part of having Katy play me in the movie is that she can bring her clothes. I covet her clothes with the fire of a thousand suns. And really, they'd add that extra touch of zaniness to my movie.
For example, during the scene where my studly husband Slayer saves me from the swarming zom-bees, I think my character should be wearing this. It explains once and for all why the bees were attracted to me in the first place. The moral of this scene is that you should never go out into the woods dressed like a piece of fruit. Especially a wood infested by a swarm of undead insects.
Come on, people, learn from my mistakes.
During the scene in which I'm accepting the Newbury (which hasn't happened yet, but you bought the zom-bees thing, so why is this such a big deal?), I think I'll be wearing this. It's a poetic statement on the nature of the publishing industry, how it goes around and around and up and down, and there are lots of pretty, sparkly ponies in it.
And this will be the outfit that I'll wear during the writing montage. Because we all know there has to be a writing montage to show how hard my life truly is. The montage will include a shot of me standing in front of the computer just like this, because of course that's exactly what I do when I have writer's block. I put on a minidress that looks like it was designed by a five year old on crack, and then I turn on the fan, and I stand in front of the computer just like this. Hey, it helps me think.
Admit it; you want to see my movie now, don't you?