The Semi-Secret and Not Very Original Diary of Bella Swan

So... did you read the first edition of the new parody last week? If not, go back and read it so you can enjoy the latest and greatest to its full pot-roast-inspired extent.

Don't worry. We'll wait.

Back? Good. Because it's time for...

The Semi-Secret and Not Very Original Diary
of Bella Swan

Day 1: Left beloved home to live with father and go to school named after eating implement. V. emo about this. Dad made pot roast to celebrate my arrival. Not hungry; too busy being emo. Hid pot roast under bed.

Day 3: First day at school for fighting forks. Met future husband. V. emo about this too. He has topaz eyes and the face of an angel. Only way Edward could be more perfect is if had tusks like walrus. Walrus = sexiest animal ever.

Day 4: Edward keeps sniffing me. Not quite sure what that's about.

Day 5: Cannot figure out why my room smells so funny. Also having dreams about topaz eyes watching me in middle of night. Funny, future husband has topaz eyes. Coincidences abound. Unsurprisingly, coincidences make me feel emo.

Day 10: Met childhood friend, Jacob. Surprisingly unawkward considering we used to run around naked in front yard when we were toddlers. Wish he had tusks.

Day 35: What's a girl got to do to find a man with long pointy teeth around here? And what the bleep smells so funny in my room?!?

Day 52: Discovered that it is difficult to be emo when tripping over cracks in sidewalk. Also, figured out Edward is vampire. It's not tusks, but it'll do. Emo level going down slightly.

Day 55: Want to be vampire. Edward says no. V. emo now.

Day 56: Still not vampire.

Day 58: Still not vampire.

Day 66: Went to Edward's for dinner and baseball date. Was going fine until rogue vampires showed up and everything went all West Side Story, except without the singing and with pointy tusks. I mean, teeth.

Day 67: Edward afraid that I'm going to get abducted. As if anyone would want to steal an emo walrus-fancier.

Day 68: Got abducted. Figures.

Day 69: Edward rescued me, looking v. hot and sparkly. Then swept me into arms and smacked Post It on my forehead. Was kind of expecting kiss. Still not vampire. Emo level astronomical.

Day 70: Post It says, "Not pot roast." Do not want to know.