Carrie Harris | Young Adult Author

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Do-It-Yourself Thank You Speech

I've always been surprised at how many people visit my blog to learn how to write thank you speeches. I am an expert at many things, most of which are undead or nonsensical (or undead AND nonsensical), but this one puzzled me for a while. But then again, I AM one of those strange people who actually enjoys public speaking, so maybe I can do a few things to help the huddled masses.

Actually, I think the Statue of Liberty has the huddled masses covered, doesn't she?

Anyway, here's how you can give the best thank you speech ever.

Step One: Quit feeling neurotic about it already! The people you are speaking to you must like you. After all, they gave you an award. You've already won them over.

Step Two: That little pep talk in Step One didn't work, did it? Okay. Forget that whole imagine the audience naked thing, because you could be speaking to the International League of Death Metal Bands, and you're going to scare yourself. Of course, if you're speaking to the International League of Supermodels, feel free to do that. Otherwise, I suggest you imagine your audience is wearing clown suits and zombie makeup, and they're all singing the Spice Girls.

And really, there's nowhere to go but up after that.

Step Three: Use the following Handy Dandy Carrie Harris Speech Maker (otherwise euphoniously known as the HDCHSM) to give the best speech in the world. Forget writing your own speeches. All you need to do is copy this and pick the best phrase for your situation.

Thank you, (Bob Barker/Rob Zombie/Tinky Winky), (for that kind introduction/for forgetting my name/for the gift basket full of Cheez Whiz). I'm so proud to be named the (hottest merpire pinup in the history of the universe/Vice President of the Secret Order of the Blog Ninja/international spokesperson for Cheez Whiz). I knew that I was destined for good things when I was five and I (grew gills and a secret love of baby pools/dressed up in a ninja outfit and put a computer on my head/ate seventeen cans of Cheez Whiz without throwing up). And now, all of my hard work has (paid off/kind of paid off/not really done anything except get me a big basket full of Cheez Whiz, and to be honest, I'm kind of sick of the stuff by now). I'm proof that hard work and (genetic mutations/incessant blogging/Cheez Whiz) can really make a difference. Thanks again for this (lovely award/completely useless award/what's up with all this freaking Cheez Whiz?!?!).

See? Writing a speech CAN be easy.

13 comments:

Tiny T said...

I am so using this for my next thank you speech. Whenever that may be ;)

Jamie Eyberg said...

I haven't had to give a speech since college but I would use that in a pinch.

Kiersten said...

People come to mine looking how to write revenge poetry or revenge letters. Clearly your blog is the more uplifting (or at least the more award-winning) of the two.

PJ Hoover said...

I'll flag this and keep it handy for when you give me an award and I must accept it in public!

Mariah Irvin said...

That was some pretty good speech advice. It helped me solidify my future acceptance speeches, and it made me crave cheese.

storyqueen said...

What IS with the Cheez Whiz today? I don't even like Cheez Whiz.....and yet, after reading that letter, I feel a bit peckish......

Must Find Crackers.....




Shelley

Stephanie Faris said...

PERFECT! I hate making speeches but that's a great tip... Unfortunately at this point in my life nobody really wants me to speak at anything!

Natalie said...

That's all well and good, but what if I need to go on a rant/tirade refusing to accept an award? Could you please do one for that too?

Lazy Writer said...

I'll keep this in mind the next time I win an award! Cheeze Whiz?

Danyelle said...

This is stunning. Brilliant. Beautiful. And full of cheese. :D

K.C. Shaw said...

I think you've covered all eventualities. Mind if I print that out for when I get awarded something? (I expect the Cheese Whiz award, frankly.)

Angela said...

Wow! What are you doing writing zombie books? You should be at the White House!!

(and still writing Zombie Books) :-)

Susan Sandmore said...

oh dear. Zombie clowns are triple scary.

And Cheez Whiz People are gonna get youuuuu...

 


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