HAPPY HALLOWEEN

You guys are totally SKULL. (As of yesterday, skull is my new word for cool.) Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the cupcake encouragement.

Today is the day for me to panic and realize that I have no wrapping paper, and if the inlaws are coming over to do my son's birthday celebration tomorrow I should probably have something to stick candles in. My mother made me a birthday meatloaf once (because I asked for it) but something tells me son won't be too crazy about that idea.

So I'm going to keep this short. But I've been saving some of the best zombie awesomeness EVER for today. This one has lots of zombie mayhem (translation--gore), so please take a minute to watch it sans kids.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A TOTALLY SKULL HALLOWEEN!

Snarf.

Skulls R Us

I had so much fun last night. I think I mentioned before that my uber awesome crit group member Laura Riken sent me a book full of monster cupcake recipes, right? Well, last night I made some for the Batson to take to his soccer practice tonight in honor of his birthday. It was my first time working with fondant, and now I'm entirely convinced that I'm going to be the next Ace of (Monster) Cakes.

I'm not, really. But it was freaking fun.

Wanna see?

Eat me! I'm chocolate!

In honor of the awesome skull cupcakes, I have googled. Did you know that when you Google "skulls are," you get:

• Skulls are us. (I would like to shop there. Much better than Toys R Us.)
  
• Skulls are fake. (My head is very sorry to hear this.)
  
• Skulls are available. (And looking for a single, non-smoking, non-drinking skull to share candlelit dinners with.)
  
• Skulls are the perfect solution for anyone. (This is my kind of math. X + Y = skull. The capital of Paraguay? SKULL.)
  
• Skulls are enough. (Why yes. Yes they are.)

My New Movie!!!!

I have exciting news to share! I've just been cast in the remake of Night of the Living Dead, with Arnold Swarzenegger as my costar. Don't believe me? Watch this video I would have liked to embed but couldn't.

Yeah, my character was a wuss. She stood around and did the pee-pee dance while the zombies were attacking. We all know that *I* wouldn't do that.

This is why it's called acting.

Now if only all of this were true...

Pumpkin Butt

Grrr. I spent about a half hour this morning making an awesome Halloween video for you all, but I just lost it and don't have time to remake. We have a LOT of things going on here at Chez Harris this week. As you might imagine, Halloween is a huge week here. Not only is it my favorite holiday, but it's also the day that my son turns seven.

So when I'm not searching for silver dragoons to put on my cupcake skulls and shopping for makeup to monsterize all the Cub Scouts, I'm making arrangements for a bowling party and wrapping gifts. It's all kinds of fun, but something must be sacrificed. I never do the house up the way I want to, partly because it would probably frighten our kids and partly because I never have the time.

But if I could? I would totally do this:



What are your Halloween plans?

Things That Make Me Snarf - Farnold Kruegenegger

In honor of the month of awesome, I bring you the latest horror movie creature:

FARNOLD KRUEGENEGGER!!!

Parents, please be warned that there is an F-bomb in this video. But it's too freaking funny to pass up.

Zombies, Zombies Everywhere!

Happy Friday! I'm going to keep this short today, because the Batson has the day off school, and I've been roped into taking them someplace full of hordes of screaming children. I figure it's good practice for navigating the zombie hordes someday.

But I still have some awesomeness for you! (At least I hope you think it's awesome.) It's a new zombie short! And for once, I actually wrote something kinda serious. Please, head on over to These Dark Things and let me know what you think of it.

And I'll be back on Monday with more Halloween pictures that will make your toes curl. Admit it. You're looking forward to it.

Expert Advice on Ninja Costumes

As you all know, I'm married to a ninja. I think it's totally awesome, except for the part where my socks always go missing. I honestly think his ninja friends come over and pilfer them at night while we're sleeping. They use them as training weaponry. And trust me when I say that socks can HURT if they're wielded by lethal ninjas.

Bring the pain. And make sure it's striped.

So I thought that I would perform a public service for all you last minute Halloween planners out there. I'm going to tell you what you need to make an awesomesauce ninja costume.

First, you need to realize that ninjas consider their belly buttons to be lethal weaponry. It's a little known fact that most ninjas wear crop tops to frighten their enemies.

Beware the button of death!

Ninja clothing is designed to fade into the background. So, for example, if you're going to a Halloween party with a bunch of kids dressed like Care Bears, wrap your head in day-glo towels.

Beware the button of death with towels on it!

One of the most convincing ninja costumes is one that doesn't look like a ninja at all. EVERYONE trusts a strawberry.

This picture came up when I searched for "ninja costumes." I don't get it either.

Aw, who am I kidding? If you want to be a convincing ninja, just wear jeans and a t-shirt. That's what most of my ninja friends wear.

Although this would look a lot better as a crop top.

I hope you feel prepared for Halloween now. I sure do.

One Heck of a Good Day!

Today is a good day! First off, I've got something to celebrate Halloween, and it's not a guy dressed in naked baby dolls. (If this makes no sense to you, please see yesterday's entry. There is no need to call the men in the little white coats. YET.) Some of you may remember the short story I wrote last year called Nosferatu and the Nancy Boys. I love Nossie so much that I couldn't resist revisiting him this year. This year, Nossie's playing party games with ghosts over at Maurissa Guibord's Haunted House spectacular! Let me know what you think of it!

AND. If that's not enough awesomeness, you can now preorder Bad Taste in Boys on Amazon!

Ahem. Stop. You didn't read that last sentence right. For accuracy, you need to jump up and down hysterically and mash all the words together in a high pitched voice so it sounds kind of like YOUCANNOWPREORDERBADTASTEINBOYSONAMAZONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Much better.

Anyway, this is a whole lot of surreal. Cannot believe it's really happening. Thanks for letting me share it. What good news do you have today? I needs to hear it!

Halloween Costumes NOT To Wear

If you've been here much, you'll know that I talk a lot about awesome Halloween costumes that I'd like to wear. Well, today, I'd like to talk about the opposite--Halloween costumes that sprain my reality. And not in a good way.

So please. Whatever you do, don't wear these things. If you do, please don't tell anyone we know each other.

1. Nudist Vampire

Tip from Carrie: A cape alone does not a vampire make.


You think this is bad? You should see him when he swoops down from above.

2. Baby Man

I don't even know what this is! I mean, I know it's a guy wearing a bunch of naked baby dolls, but... but...

The words, they fail me.

3. Tigger Spiderman

And here's the picture that inspired this post. Last night, Slayer showed me this photo, and I laughed so hard I nearly ruptured something. I can't decide which amuses me more, the costume, his expression, or the fact that he's standing in front of a Spy Kids poster.

Growl, baby. Totally growl.

I'll probably post more later. But I've got to stop before I sprain something.

Resisting the Sparkle

As of today, I am officially done with copyedits! WOOT! But you all know what this means. I need to figure out what I'm working on next.

Dum dum DUM.

Now I've got a handful of projects in various stages of completion. And a few of those projects have some real potential. I know I ought to work on one of them and FINISH it.

But the pretty sparkly ideas keep coming. And they're so INTERESTING. I have a girl talking to me right now that has Super Sekrit Problems, and they're freaking AWESOME. They drive me to RANDOM CAPITALIZATION, so you immediately know how EXCITED I am about this idea. I want to write about her RIGHT NOW. But I know I shouldn't.

I know it's responsible to finish at least one of the projects I'm currently working on. And I have more Halloween guest posts to write. So I've decided to spend this week finishing those things up, and then next week I'm allowed to spend a little time with the new, pretty, sparkly idea. And I'm saying this publicly so I'm required to stick to it.

How do you resist the sparkle?

Random Randomness

A few matters of business:

Checketh out my interview with the Book Scout and learn what it would like to be in a math class taught by moi!

I'm currently in the process of setting up visits to a handful of teen writers' groups and classrooms. Wouldst thou liketh a visit (if I promise not to talk like that)? Contacteth me!

Don't forget to vote on the second round semifinals for the funniest creature championships. The merpires and werecats need your votes. If you don't vote and end up getting pelted with fish sticks and corn cobs, it's not my fault. ;)

I'm going to keep this short today. I'm finishing up my copy edits (whee!) and cleaning the house in preparation for a whole weekend of family fun! We have no soccer games; no one is sick, and I'm just looking forward to seeing my favorite ninja and three crazy lunatics. Hope you all have a lovely one too!

PS - I got battery powered mini lights for my sparkly vampire costume yesterday. It will be EPIC.

The Funniest Creature Championships - Round 2 Semifinals

Welcome to Round 2 of the Funniest Creature Semifinals. Right now, the Cullens are SMASHING Mutant Richard Simmons from the Planet Nonose in Round 1. If you haven't voted, you should. Or at least go and see a Muppet beating the bleep out of Edward Cullen.

Today, you've got to choose between two very snarfy contenders. Which do you think is funnier--Merpires or corncob wielding werecats?

CREATURE 1: Merpires
One of my current WIPs opens with a supernaturally beautiful boy standing in a clearing by the lake. He belongs in a commercial for hair gel. He's so hot he practically lights the water on fire. And he jumps out of his pants.

His legs morph into fins, of course. It's my personal opinion that leaping out of one's pants is the most ridiculous supernatural power ever. It's right up there with sparkles. And sloshing.

This illustration is, of course, post pants-leap.


CREATURE 2: Corncob wielding werecats
Our second contestant is an incestuous, virgin-soul-eating werecat. I'm sorry to say that he was a little upset when we made fun of his 80s hair last week, so he got a new do. Here it is:

CHEESE!

I wouldn't laugh at him anymore, either. Because you do remember what happens to people that laugh at the freaky looking werecats, right?

DEATH BY COB, that's what!

So....what do you think? Vote in the comments! The winner will face off in the finals next week. OOOOOOOOOH.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Mermen, the Centaurs of the Sea

This video made me laugh so hard. Parents, please note that it's PG13 for some very strange interspecies sexual references.



Also, if you're looking for a little critiquey goodness, the Undercover Book Lover is auctioning off a 20 page critique from moi, and all proceeds benefit Pakistan Flood Relief. There's plenty of other awesomeness up for grabs over there, so please go check it out!

The Funniest Creature Championships - Round 1 Semifinals

Ooooooooh. This is going to be tough. Last week, you all chose The Cullens and mutant Richard Simmons as the creatures that crack you up. This week, you've got to tell me which one makes you crack up MORE. That's right, peeps. It's the semifinals.

CREATURE 1: The Cullens

Last week, we talked about how the Cullens make me want to dance around singing a sparkle song and doing jazz hands. This week, let's think a little about what the other vampires must think about the Cullens. Something tells me they're not exactly invited to all the blood baths. In fact, I think the Cullens are pretty much the uber geeks of the vamp set. Vampires aren't impressed by hair gel or sparkling.

Don't believe me? Take a look at this visual aid.


Anything with a Muppet in it is funny. When the Muppet's beating the bleep out of a sparkly, bloodsucking sex symbol, it becomes REALLY FUNNY.


CREATURE 2: Mutant Richard Simmons

I was speechless about this photo last week, and I'm still speechless. It's hard to top mutant Richard Simmons from the planet Nonose. Mutant Richard pretty much speaks for himself, anyway. And he sounds like he has the world's WORST head cold.



He also seems to have misplaced his eyebrows. I hate it when that happens, don't you?

So please, tell me in the comments! Which one cracks you up harder?

Halloween Help--I Needs It!

I think I've finally decided what I'm going to be for Halloween. Unfortunately, Zombie Gaga is a little too scary for my younguns (not to mention expensive). I'll have to cover myself in bubbles and skin lesions another year. So instead, I think I'm going to be a sparkly vampire. By this, I don't mean that I'm buying a vampire costume and putting on sparkle makeup. No, I'm getting a pair of big horking fangs and covering myself with huge glow in the dark stars or something.

And that's where you come in. See, glow in the dark stars are great, but once they stop glowing, I'm just going to be a mom with fangs. Any ideas? I need something big and obnoxiously sparkly. If I could staple little disco balls to my clothing, that would be perfect.

Help?

And what are you going to be for H-ween? You ARE dressing up, aren't you?

The Funniest Creature Championships - Were Bracket

Have you voted this week? I'm not talking about elections. I'm talking about the Funniest Creature Championships. We're electing the most amusing creatures in existence. We've voted on vampires, mutant celebrities, and monster mashups so far. And now, it's time to give the weres some love.

By now, you should know how this works. I give you two creatures and tell you why I think they're funny. You vote for one of them in the comments. The winner goes on to the semifinals. I fully expect you to read my blog next week wearing face paint and monster jerseys. And maybe waving around one of those big foam hands.

Honestly? I just want one of those big foam hands.

And here are today's creatures.

CREATURE 1: Teen Wolf
Let's cut to the chase with this one. When I think of werewolves, I think of big hairy Cuisinarts with slavering teeth and pointy claws. I do not think of Michael J. Fox with overgrown facial hair, van surfing, or slam dunks. Furthermore, he dates a girl named Boof.

Don't I look like a Boof dater? Good thing I left my slavering teeth at home.

CREATURE 2: The Werecats from Sleepwalkers
How many of you have seen Sleepwalkers? This little gem was based off a Stephen King story, and it's about...man I find it difficult to TYPE without giggling. It's about a pair of incestuous, soul sucking, mutant-looking werecats.

And I have 80s hair.

You'd think things couldn't get any worse, but then one of the werecats kills somebody by stabbing him in the back...with a corn cob.

I call this the Death Cob. Or the Cob Killer. Or...uh...something.

Soooo. Vote, people! Vote! And if you missed any of the earlier entries, voting's still open. Make thine voice heard on matters of importance, like girls named Boof and corn cob killers.

The Funniest Creature Championships - Mashup Creature Bracket

The short version: We're voting for funny monsters in honor of October, my favorite month ever.

Which one do you find funnier? Today, we're talking about mashup creatures. As you know, I love making mashups. The Tooth Fairy is funny. Posh Spice is funny. Toothy Spice is HILARIOUS. So here are two mashups that I find particularly amusing.

CREATURE 1: Frankenthulhu

Here's how I look at it--Dr. Frankenstein was a real dillweed. You can bet if he saw a grave that said, "Here, Great Cthulhu lies dreaming. DO NOT DISTURB UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE A MIDNIGHT SNACK," he'd dig up that grave and take Cthulhu's head. And then you'd end up with this:

I have tentacles AND neck bolts. And if you squeeze my head, I squeak. OoOoOoH!

CREATURE 2: Merpire

Why are merpires funny?

1. They smell like fish sticks.
   
2. When you're sleeping, they drag their baby pools into your room and slosh around.
   
3. A hot date to a merpire = wrapping you up in saran wrap and sloshing around in the baby pool TOGETHER.
   
4. Instead of sparkling, they glow in the dark.
   
5. Two words: merpire beefcake.

Hubba hubba. (Picture awesomeness courtesy of Natalie Whipple.)

So, which one do you think is more amusing?

Things That Make Me Snarf - Twilight Monster Mash

I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did. And don't forget to vote for the funniest vampires and mutant celebrities! Next up: funniest monster mashups!

The Funniest Creature Championships - Mutant Celebrity Bracket

Did you vote in yesterday's vampire bracket? Do you have any idea what the bleep is going on? Never fear, I'm here! Well, not HERE here. Because it would be creepy if I teleported around and stood behind people while they read my blog. But I'm with you in spirit.

Yeah, I have no idea what I'm talking about either.

Okay, here's the scoop. In honor of my favorite month, I'm determined to scientifically determine the funniest monster ever. Yesterday, we voted on the most amusing vampire. Today: mutant celebrities!

Here's how it works: I give you a brief rundown of the two highly qualified contestants. You vote in the comments. The winner will move on to the semifinals. It's all highly scientific here at Chez Harris. OOOOOOOOOOH.

So, without further ado, here are today's contestants:

CREATURE 1: Mutant Richard Simmons
I've been sitting here trying to figure out something to say about this photo for about ten minutes now. But all I can do is laugh.

I think it speaks for itself:

Little did the unsuspecting humans know, but Richard was secretly an alien from the planet Nonose.


CREATURE 2: Mutant David Hasselhoff
I find Hoff funny in any form. But I find him exceptionally funny when he's a Siamese twin. He could be his own partner in Dancing With the Stars.

Now I can stare longingly into my twin's eyes and serenade him with my hit song, DO! WITH OLIVES!

So there you have it, peeps. Which cracks you up the hardest?

The Funniest Creature Championships - Vampire Bracket

Welcome to October! October is my FAVORITE MONTH EVER. Halloween is my FAVORITE HOLIDAY EVER. Caps lock is my FAVORITE KEY EVER. Anyway. In honor of October, I've decided to explore a topic of IMMENSE IMPORTANCE. Snarfy monsters. I talk about snarfy monsters a lot on this blog, and I think it's about time that we delve deep into this topic. I'm talking scientific method, peeps.

OoOooOooh!

So, without further ado, I bring you the Funniest Creature Championships. Over the next month, YOU are going to choose the snarfiest creature out there from a list of eight highly qualified finalists. I even have a highly scientific Excel spreadsheet.

Bow down before my mad Excel skilz!

Here's how it works. I'll give you two creatures and a brief rundown on why I find them hilarious. You vote in the comments. The one that gets the most votes moves on to the next bracket. Awe-inspiring science, isn't it?

First, we've got the vampire bracket. I think you all know what's coming.

CREATURE 1: The Cullens
Funny for one very simple reason--their powers are super strength, super speed, and pretty sparkles. They inspire cartoons like THIS.


In short, any creature that makes me want to prance around the room going "Sparkle sparkle sparkle!!!" and doing jazz hands is FUNNY. And the Cullens make me want to do that.


CREATURE 2: The Roller Skating Vampire
Imagine this: you've just learned that bloodsuckers are invading your town. You are an idiot and decide to walk around at night anyway, just for kicks. And then...gasp! You see a vampire in a darkened alley! It roller skates right toward you with its claws outstretched, and it's a cross dresser, and--

Wait a minute. Roller skates? Cross dresser?

If this was chasing me, I might die. But it would be from laughter.

The movie is Fright Night 2, which is one of the best films EVER. And when I say that, I really mean that it's so horrible that it's magnificent.

So. Which do you find funnier? The Cullens or the rollerskating vampire? I HAZ 2 KNO. And make sure to tune in again tomorrow to see the mutant pictures I've found of my favorite celebrities. Too freaking funny.

All About Copyedits

I'm slowly but surely sounding less like a transgendered vampire 800 operator. Thanks for all the well wishes.

Of course, my recovery was aided by the arrival of a cover printout and my copyedits yesterday. I did some jumping. And some squealing. And then some choking, because my throat can't quite handle the squeals just yet. And then some turning blue and some Heimlich maneuvering against my kitchen chair.

Okay, that last bit is a slight exaggeration. But otherwise it's embarrassingly accurate.

I was admittedly a little worried about the copyedits. I had no idea what they'd look like. Maybe there would be no white space left after they'd gotten done tearing apart my writing and putting it back together again. Maybe I would want to cry. I'm happy to report that copyedits are not scary at all! And a lot of the things are what you'd expect: tense changes and bits on page 27 that contradict what was said on page 1. Repeated words. Changes for clarity.

And then there are the queries that I find absolutely hilarious. For example, should the word awesomesauce be hyphenated? (Obvs, I vote no.) Should the boy in the chicken suit have a thumb impediment or a hand impediment? Should "zombie preparedness posse" be capitalized, hyphenated, or written in giant sparkly letters?

THESE ARE QUESTIONS OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE. Clearly, everyone needs to ask themselves questions like these. I also would like to take my copyeditor out for lunch so we could debate these issues. Would any of you like to join us? And what is your stance on the above issues? If I agree with you, I might nominate you for president.