Because y'know, I was trying to be serious in my older books, and I really ought to know better. But now I am old and wise and have realized that my talents really lie in smartassery.
Anyway, I decided that I'd do it up a little differently. See, I obsessed over the first line of my last book. Obsessed. I wanted it to be the kind of line that makes other writers gnash their teeth in envy. I wanted it to be the kind of line that makes people buy the freaking book already. So I decided to look at some of my recent reads and see what they did with their first lines. I chose different genres and whatnot because diverse populations satisfy my latent statisticiany urges. These are some of my favorites that thou shalt go out and read if thou has not. And then I shalt quit talking like this.
1. The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett. (Laugh-your-pants-off YA)
"Some things start before other things."
Wow. Profound. Frankly, I like the chapter title better: "A Clang Well Done." Snarfalicious.
2. Gaudy Night by Dorothy Sayers. (Rocking cool mystery, complete with man in monocle)
"Harriet Vane sat at her writing-table and stared out into Mecklenburg Square."
That hyphen bothers me. Fabulous book, too many hyphens.
3. Anno Dracula by Kim Newman. (Horrorish historicalish fabulousish adulty kind of book)
"We Szekeleys have a right to be proud, for in our veins flows the blood of many brave races who fought as the lion fights, for lordship."
I kinda like this one. My only problem is that it's Van Helsing talking, and I can't get Anthony Hopkins' voice from the Dracula movie out of my head, and then I start having Keanu flashbacks and it's all downhill from there.
5. Uglies by Scott Westerfeld. (Tres cool sociopolitical YA with hoverboards)
"The early summer sky was the color of cat vomit."
I love the line, but literally speaking I think they need to call the EPA. We had a cat, and her vomit was always lime green and foamy.
6. Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson. (Stylin' cyberpunky type thing in which my favorite character is an Inuit with "poor impulse control" tattooed on his forehead an a nuclear warhead in his motorcycle sidecar)
"The Deliverator belongs to an elite order, a hallowed sub-category."
Oh, man. I wish I had written this line. I wish I could write one this good. While I'm at it, I'd like a pony. Actually, I'm lying. I don't have anywhere to put a pony.
7. Another Roadside Attraction by Tom Robbins. (Jesus in a sideshow carnival. Need I say more?)
"The magician's underwear has just been found in a cardboard suitcase floating in a stagnant pond on the outskirts of Miami."
Snarf. Snarf, and snarf again. I don't exactly know why I find this one so funny, but I do.
And then, there's the first line of my book:
"I'm lying on a mirror in the middle of an empty classroom."
I'm sure there's a point here, but I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe the point is that I need to write more books so that I can actually do these bloggy things without cheating. And the other point is that maybe I should stop obsessing over the first line and get a little freaking perspective. My birthday is coming up in a few months. Maybe I'll ask for some perspective then.