Monday, September 29, 2008

I Swear!

Okay, confession time here: I swear like a sailor's wife. Seriously. I have a potty mouth and a half. And I also view cussing as something approaching fine art; you've got to come up with something creative, because the usual f-bombs and s-bombs just don't cut it with me, sistah/brothah/whatevah.

It's all a part of that playing with words thing, I guess. Appreciate interesting phrases I do. Possessed by Yoda I am.

Now, this tendency toward the creative application of four letter words is great until you have kids, or decide to start writing for kids, or both. Because then your only choices are to a) rehabilitate completely and start saying things like "oh, piddle!" when you drop something, or b) replace the creative swears with creative pseudo-swears. I'm all about the creativity, so I of course choose Option B. Besides, there's no way I can say "piddle" without snarfing.

And really, the replacement curse words out there that are used in YA lit and on television? Boooooring. If I hear one more person say the word "fracken," I'm going to go fracken nuts. And then I'm going to hunt their fracken butts down and kick them. Frackenly.

So I've decided to start a new trend. I am hereby replacing all of my swear words with the character names from the Teletubbies. Because I have three young children, and I think that the Teletubbies are a curse all by themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if the Teletubbies were really tools of eeeeevil. Not evil. Eeeeevil. Much wussier but cooler sounding.

Don't think it will work? Check out this dialogue from Clerks, one of the foulest scenes I could find, language-wise. With mucho apologies to Kevin Smith for Po-ing up his dialogue:

I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money! And then you know what we're going to do? We're going to go to the party and get some dipsy. I'm gonna laa-laa this tinky-winky.

And really, don't you just want to laa-laa a tinky-winky? At least every once in a while?

Oh, po! I just dropped something. More blogging later...


Lina said...

*haha* It works almost to well! And I agree teletubbies are eeevil. The guy that invented them needs to be tortured of something. I wote we tie him to a chair and make him watch all the teletubbies episoded after each other. He'd probebly go laa-laa ;-)

Jamie Eyberg said...

Po that! I think I will stick to my tinky-Winky words.

Rachel Hawkins said...

Ha ha! I TOO swear like a sailor, and have had much trouble um...modifying that when Small Son is around, although my husband is even worse. His curses are pretty creative, though, especially during football season.

Oh, and I am totally up for emailage whenever! I have emerged from my writer cocoon! ;0

K.C. Shaw said...

As someone with no small children, but who does try and rein in the swear words, I'm enchanted but mystified at the Teletubbies swears. I don't know all their names, you see. And I don't want to do the necessary research. :)

For milder swearing, I guess I could use Fraggles. They're not eeevil, of course, but I know their names. Oh, Red! No, that doesn't have the same ring.

Carrie Harris said...

Lina: I so agree. He'd go completely laa-laa. Snarf!

Jamie: I completely understand, you dipsy you. ;)

Rachel: Oh, we've had a lot of close calls around here. Our son walked around for a while saying "what the butt?" although he picked that one up at school and not from us. At least he misunderstood the last word.

KC: Fraggles are blessings, darling, BLESSINGS. :)

Tabitha said...

FINALLY, a good use for Teletubbies. Aside from flushing them down the toilet, that is. :)

Michelle McLean said...

Holy crap, I am totally rolling :D With 2 small children, this has become a real problem in our house as well. The other day, my 5 yr ol son Connor looked at my 3 yr old daughter Ryanna who was bugging him and said "Fracken Nana" (umm, but take out fracken and put in the real word) :D

Using the Teletubbies as swear words is just...well, genius! And it works so well too :D My kids have moved past Teletubbies and into Dora and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse territory. Frankly, I'm just happy if something keeps them quiet and occupied for 5 minutes - no matter what it is!!

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time! Oh, po! LOL!

Adrienne said...

Ha! My son does a teletubbie impersonation that would knock you on your nu-nu.
I agree with you on the lame replacements -they drive me up the fracken wall, too.

Carrie Harris said...

Tabitha: Yeah, let's call it creative recycling. :)

CQ: And the worst part about events like that is that you absolutely cannot laugh. Know what I mean?

Elana: I'm happy to be of assistance. Snarf!

Adrienne: HAH! That's what this world needs. A Teletubbie impersonation contest!

sruble said...

"I am hereby replacing all of my swear words with the character names from the Teletubbies."

OMG! Good think I wasn't drinking anything when I read this! I think the Teletubbies are tools, but Barney and Precious Moments are truely eeeevil, so maybe I'll use those as my swears.

Or since I don't have children, maybe I'll just continue on with my sailor-like ways ;)

Actually, DH and I have lots of non-swear swears. Our favorite non-swears are "ship dit" and "spork."

Stephen Duncan said...

Brilliant. Just, brilliant.

I don't have kids (yet), but I have a feeling with the way my wife talks, the kids might be using the swear words as names for the teletubbies.

That yellow one should be "Damnit." Or does it fit the blue one better?

Carrie Harris said...

sruble: Spork is a swear word? I love sporks. If I got sporks for my birthday, I would be happy. Please, love your sporks, only not literally because that's ick.

CWAC: Snarf! I don't even want to know what you're naming any of the other ones!

Tiny T said...

Teletubbies = eeeeevil. I like that: "wussier, but cooler sounding." I'm glad the kids that I watched over the summer were into Monster Trucks and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but now I have those theme songs stuck on repeat in my head!

I am caught using such phrases as, "Oh, fiddle sticks"
"crapola" and "pooey"

Yes, pooey. Don't mind my spelling :)

Carrie Harris said...

Y'know, T, I think I heard you say the mushrooms thing this weekend, and it made me snarf. Had no idea what you were talking about, but it was funny anyway. :)

Samantha said...

Seriously. This was a freaking funny post. I laughed my patootie off. And then I piddled in my pants. Here's part of Jay's rap from Jay and Silent Bob--Teletubby style... of course.

See, I'm feeling a little dipsy.

Po, po, po
Motha motha po
Motha motha po po
Motha po, motha po
nyoonch, nyoonch, nyoonch

Uh, let me get a tinky winky

15 bucks, little man
Put that laa-laa, in my hand
If that money, doesn’t show
Then you owe me, owe me, owe.

Ma jungle love yeah,
eh-oh, eh-oh, eh oh
I think I wanna no ya, no ya,
yeah what?!

which teletubbie are you?
click here to find out

Carrie Harris said...

Holy laa-laa, that rap is funny. I am quite literally crying, I'm laughing so hard.

Samantha said...

I was going to do something really eeeeevil. Take your photo and morph it onto the red teletubbie's face.

haha.i'm feeling nice today!