Friday, October 10, 2008

Why I Should Be a Film Director

Sleep update: Not going so well. I actually poured Diet Dr. Pepper into my granola this morning and didn't notice until I heard the fizzing. However, I'm happy to report that granola pre-soaked in DDP and then drained thoroughly actually tastes pretty good.


I suppose it won't surprise you to hear that I give two thumbs up to movies based on or inspired by video games. Part of the reason for this is because I go into those movies with the expectation that they will look cool and give me plenty of opportunity for snarky comments. Because really, people, look at what they've got to work with. You do not go to see Resident Evil because you're looking for stirring character development and dialogue that makes you want to commit hari kiri because you will never write something that good. You go because you want to see Milla Jovovich gad about in a really cute red dress and kick the crap out of a couple of zombie dogs.

Ahem. Accidentally typed "zombie gods." Which probably would have been even COOLER.

I've recently decided (as in, about two minutes ago) that someone really ought to make a movie based on my video game moves. Because really, I've got some serious swerve going on when it comes to kicking virtual butt.

My film would demonstrate some major differences from movies like Tomb Raider and Resident Evil. For example, all of the characters would speak in really exaggerated accents, kind of like the French guys in Holy Grail, and they would all talk a lot of smack. Because smack is funny, but accented smack is freaking snarftacular. They would say things like "Bow down before my scary eyebrows!" and "You hit like Jerry's Kids," which is really REALLY inappropriate, but don't blame me. Blame the instructor of my high school drum line. He used to yell at us when we'd mess up our cadences and say that we played like Jerry's Kids, and the phrase has stuck with me ever since.

In the movie, they'd also use my patented combat technique. Yesterday, I mentioned my button mashing technique. I do this partly because I have no freaking clue what I'm doing and partly because it amuses me to watch the characters jump around like gymnasts with very short attention spans, video recorded and played back at high speeds. It's something like: "Take that! I will leap at--no, I will punch your--wait! I will throw you over--or maybe I'll kick your--bow down before my scary eyebrows!"

That makes me giggle. But I'm sleep deprived, so don't mind me.

There's one other computer gamey thing that I want to put in my movie. Slayer and I like to play those old dungeon crawling games for fun during the winter, because we are big geeks. (Well, actually, I'm a big geek and Slayer humors me, because y'know, I'm his wife and he's a really deep sleeper.) So one of my absolute favorites is Might and Magic. And the secret to successfully killing the big monsters in Might and Magic? Stand way far away from them, shoot them with your bows, and sashay from side to side so they can't shoot you back. Don't bother running, dodging, rolling, or anything that is vaguely realistic combat-wise. It's not necessary. The power of the sashay is enough to keep you safe. So in my movie, every battle will be filmed with the actors wearing pointe shoes, which will look FABULOUS on the zombie gods with the exaggerated French accents. And lo, the sashays will be plentiful. It'll be a pas de deux, combat-style, with zombies. Who have scary eyebrows.

And this, my friends, is a firm demonstration of why sleep is a good thing. Because if you stay awake for too long, you will sound like this too.


Jamie Eyberg said...

I just inadvertently inhaled a bran flake from laughing. Makes me want to see monty python do a zombie movie with bad accents.

Tiny T said...

I'm not the only button masher!! Sweet. The guys and I had a huge game going with Super Smash Bros and I kept winning (for a couple rounds) and the guys were all like, how did you do that move? how do you keep winning?! Secret: I have NO idea :)

I agree! Zombie monty python movie would be bloody-tastic!

We are the zombies who say, Ni!

Adrienne said...

Lately I can't sleep either. Maybe I need some video games to entertain myself at 3 am.

Samantha said...

Sleep? What's that? I don't think I know anymore. Add to that, my 110 lb. lab has been noodle nosing (that's right) his way into bed and short legging me. Well, I know where you're coming from, sister. Last week my neck was so out, I couldn't turn it. Yep, just like Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles – all I needed was a neck brace.

No more yanky my necky.
The Samma need sleep.

Where the heck is Jake Ryan when you need him anyway?

(BTW: He's got pretty nice brows).

Samantha said...

Oh! and the husband snores! LOUD.


Do you think Jake Ryan snores?????

Carrie Harris said...

Jamie: Only if it was a musical. :)

Tiny T: We have to play video games together sometime. Snarf.

Adrienne: I've got fingers crossed for you that you'll be able to sleep this weekend!

slhastings: OMG. Jake Ryan. Me loves the Jake. I love the Jake so much that I still have the ALBUM from that movie, with the sitting on the table with the birthday cake picture. I have never wanted to be Molly Ringwald so badly.

And of course Jake Ryan doesn't snore. Or steal the covers. He just lays there with one arm up under his head, looking pensive and yummy and pinuppy.

Keri Mikulski said...

:) I'm picturing the Diet Dr. Pepper and the granola. Wishing you some zzzz's. :) Have a great weekend.

K.C. Shaw said...

Might and Magic! I loved that game! There's one version that has some really goofy voiceacting (or rather voice"acting"). My cousin and I still imitate it sometimes. "You need a key, orcbreath!" is a particular favorite.

Michelle D. Argyle said...

My hubby's a DP fan. But not DDP. I had him read your post this morning while he was still half-asleep, and he was chuckling the whole way through. He's a gamer. And not just the push-button kind. :)

I hate video games. I'm a mash-the-button girl, myself. We should start a club.

C.R. Evers said...

LOL! What didn't crack me up about this post? LOL You had me a DDP soaked cereal.


Carrie Harris said...

Keri: I know, I know. But at least I was able to laugh about it. ;)

KC: Oh yeah! And Slayer likes to pick the really silly voices for that. There's also a Wizardry that has some good voices. There's one that sounds like a female Arnold Schwarzenegger. Cracks me up every time!

Glamis: I used to write for role playing games. You mean THAT kind of games? ;)

Christy: LOL! It's like some twisted version of Jerry Macguire. LOVE it.

Ray Veen said...

You dishonor gaming Mrs. Harris.

A purist would never stand back and shoot arrows at monsters - that would spoil the illusion that one is, in all actuality, a level twelve elfin ranger with a +4 longbow and +2 arrows.

Spoil the illusion, I say!

PJ Hoover said...

Sleep is a very good thing. And I'm thinking the DDP in the granola would be a nice way to wake up the taste buds.

sruble said...

Ha! Sorry about the sleep, and the diet dr. pepper. Must have full sugar Dr. Pepper to stay awake (the full sugar version even gets capital letters in all the right places ;)

I don't play the fighting games because 1. we don't have any, and 2. when I play them in the arcade, I play them the way you do, and I lose my quarters in about 2 seconds. But for those 2 seconds, I'm laughing my butt off!

Kelly Polark said...

Sigh...Jake Ryan...

I should google Jake Ryan's eyebrows and see if your blog comes up!

Carrie Harris said...

V: Oh, but I AM an elven ranger. I'm just an elven ranger who has mad video game skillz. ;)

PJ: I'm not sure if it was the DDP or the uncontrollable case of the giggles, but yes, it sure did wake me up!

sruble: I know, I know. I used to be a devoted full sugar DP fan, but you'd be amazed at how much of it I can drink. Enough to meet my entire calorie quota for the day. So I switched to diet.

Kelly: I don't show up under Jake Ryan eyebrows. Sigh.

Brenda said...

maybe you should play the old pong game from atari...that would bore you to sleep...grin...

Fox Lee said...

I really should start playing more video games ; )

Carrie Harris said...

Brenda: Oh, no. I adore Pong. And talking Pong smack is just TOO funny.

Natalie: I'll challenge you any time!

Anonymous said...

Oh, the imagery! I have quite a scene going in my head. Thanks for the early morning laugh. :)


TerriRainer said...

I must be a bad person, because I laughed the hardest at your horribly NON-PC joke.

Must be the rebel in me I suppose!

:) Terri

Bringerofbrains said...

I see you've found an alternative to lunching in the atrium.... too much insanity to keep to yourself.... Good, I'll be able to keep an eye on you and comment accordingly. Monty Python Zombies! Sounds like a "Bill" episode....

Carrie Harris said...

Abi: Then my mission is complete, and I can go back to the alien world from whence I came.

Er... something like that, anyway. Glad you liked it! :)

Terri: I came very close to editing that one out, because I'm really not insensitive (just ask me), but I just couldn't help myself.

Tim: No WAY! The short bus dropped you off here too?!? Snarf.