Movie Voice Guy

Over the weekend, I was walking 'round in the woods while Scillius Maximus used his Movie Voice to announce my approach to the trees, gravel, and random woodland creatures. You know what I mean by Movie Voice, right? That booming, melodramatic voice they usually use in previews and things? And then he started announcing Bad Taste in Boys, which was really cool but beside the point. Because I started thinking. And we all know how dangerous that is.

Way back in the day, I decided that if I became famous, I was going to hire a soundtrack guy. Soundtrack guy would follow me around in an outfit covered in speakers and play music suitable for the situation. (The old version of soundtrack guy had him carrying an orchestra on his hat, but I tossed that idea out because sometimes I expect to be in situations that would require some rock and roll. [And because he might have a hard time fitting through doors that way.])

Soundtrack guy? You're fired.

I'd much rather have Movie Voice Guy follow me around, reciting appropriate music lyrics. For example, if I went out to a club, Movie Voice Guy would announce:

I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY FOR THIS JELLY.
I. Don't. Think. You're. Ready.

And then we'd probably get thrown out, but it would be worth it.

Oh! Oh! It would be even better if we went to our local high school football game so I could hang with the cheerleaders, and then I could climb on top of the cheerleader pyramid and shake some pompons, and then someone would hand me a really cute baby, and then I'd talk nonsense at it while Movie Voice Guy recited Lady Gaga for the onlookers:

Rah rah ah ah ah
Rama rah rah rah
Gaga OOOH! La la!

I'm so glad Lady Gaga wrote that song. Because you know, the whole baby on top of a pyramid thing happens to me all the time.

Really, I just need to hire this guy: