Monday, March 16, 2009

More Twilight Parody

Okay. If you missed the last one, you can find it here. This probably won't make sense to you anyway, particularly if you're my husband or Scillius Maximus, but I think it's funny.

And we all know that it's all about me.

Actually, that's not true. I've been getting requests from you bloggy people for some fiction from yours truly. And I'm all about satisfying my adoring fans. Um... you adore me, right? You're not just stalkers, are you?

Now I've given myself a complex...

Ellba watched as the rest of the group meandered down the beach, laughing and shoving each other into the rills of water that wove up the beautiful landscape. She was happy to sit by the fire; a trip like that was disaster for someone like her. So many things to trip on, to fall into, to run into face first. It wasn't a good idea, especially when one was carrying a crossbow, a machete, and twelve shuriken made out of wax paper.

A girl could get hurt.

So she sat by the fire, watching the guttering flames dance in the damp air. It was always damp here, and she hated it. But then again, if it wasn't so wet, Ward wouldn't be able to survive long out of the water. She imagined that it wouldn't be easy being a vampiric merman, but for Ward, it would be worth it.

She looked down the beach at the rows upon rows of jagged rocks running the length of the sand. Ward told her about the rocks. He said they'd been put there on purpose, to keep the vamp-men... the mer-pires... the people like Ward off the beach. This was sacred land. It was also spooky as all get out, and Ellba tightened her grip on the machete.

Unfortunately, Cob picked this particular moment to sneak up on her.

"Boo!" he yelled, and she almost cut her foot off.

She looked down; the cut neatly bissected her ankle. It looked fake, actually, just a long red line running across her pale skin, but then the blood gushed out and the pain hit, and through a haze of agony Ellba had to concede that it was really really real.


"I'll save you," yelled Cob, snatching the machete away prudently and sweeping her up into his arms.

"No..." she gasped. "By the time you get me to the hospital, I'll be gone... Take me... to the seal display at the zoo."

"I won't," he said, tightening his grip and nearly suffocating her. "Ward and his seal-loving friends can go to hell. I won't let him take you with them."

He looked at her, kissed her tenderly on the brow, and set her down on the sand. "I didn't want you to find out like this, but it's our only hope."

"You mean you're kind of like Obi Wan Kenobi?"

"Not really. I think you're delirious, Ell. No, I'm a were... thing."

"I AM delirious. Look at the pretty ochre sparkles on the water... Sparkle sparkle sparkle."

"Ell, stay with me!" He shook her urgently, and she fixed bleary eyes on his. "Every time I change, I turn into something different. But we'll have to take that chance. I won't let you go, my Ellba. I love you."

Before she could do much more than gape at him (blearily), his figure shimmered and stretched. He let out an agonized howl as his bones rearranged and hair sprouted, agonizingly slow, from unused pores. And when it was over, she looked up at him, at his impossibly increased height, his patrician cheekbones, the delicate ears that tapered up to long and beautiful points.

"I'm the sprightly elf!" he crowed. "PINCH me!"

Ellba fainted.


Anonymous said...

That was great! Its not every day that you can read stuff that makes you laugh out loud!

Jamie Eyberg said...

Let me regain my composer to type again. LOL.

Jamie Eyberg said...

See I can't even spell properly, thank you very much.

K.C. Shaw said...

OMG, I really hope you keep writing this! I love it!!

sparkle sparkle sparkle, snarf!

Hanna Banana said...

Omg! I would SO buy this book!!

My word verification for this comment was : flart (snickering)

Michelle D. Argyle said...

Oh my goodness!!! Very funny! I just love the name Ellba! I'll HAVE to name my daughter that. I'll just go change her name right now. :)

Natalie Whipple said...

Youz gots skillz.

Aaron Polson said...

Sparkle sparkle. Sparkle sparkle sparkle, sparkle? Sparkle.

Keep on Sparkle.

Kiersten White said...


Also, I can't WAIT until Ellba and Ward get married and have hot, hot mer-pire sex but she nearly drowns and then he refuses to sleep with her anymore so she wakes up in the middle of the night crying because she's not having any sex.

And then she gets pregnant with his demon spawn! And they swim around in her uterus like little piranhas!

And then Cob can imprint on all of them and start a little shapeshifting merpire polygamist colony, and tell his wives all about how he used to picture their mom naked!

Oh, I'm so so excited!


Kelly Polark said...

Too funny!

Cate Gardner said...

OMG! You've done it now Carrie, we're all going to be begging for more.

Fox Lee said...

I haven't read Twilight, yet I feel confident saying that this is much better ; )

Elana Johnson said...

This is made of win and laughter! You rock!!

Scillius Maximus said...

TO: Carrie's TWTISMBlog Crowd
FM: The Boat

Well as a non Twilight reader I'm still out on the boat on this one, and I believe Slayer is here with me.

Why? Because from the fun random conversation the three of us had last night, Carrie informed us Boat People that we had unbeknowingly given her a couple of ideas to use in future Ellba Twlite Chapters. To her credit she tried to connect how we did it. But I guess Im too thick.

Hey Slayer!

While were out here do you wanna take the 870 and see if we can bag some Merpires? There's got to be a bounty or something . . .

Anonymous said...

Gobbled it up.
More please :D :D

Adrienne said...

Ha! That's great, and I love the name Ellba :)

Carrie Harris said...

Jeremy: Aha! I'm funny, and I have it in writing! I'm going to print this out. (Thanks.)

Jamie: Composer. SNARF. That's the best compliment ever.

KC: Wow, sparkly snarf? Why does that make me think of the Smurfs?

Hanna: Yeah, too bad it would probably get me sued.

Glamis: Um... your daughter isn't incredibly klutzy, is she? If so, keep her away from machetes.

Actually, it's probably a good idea to do that anyway. ;)

Natalie: Meez thankz youz.

Aaron: Sparkle you very sparkle.

Kiersten: I say this with the utmost fondness and good will:


Ahem. Sorry. Done now.

Kelly: Thanks! :)

Cate: It's like cocaine, isn't it? Pretty soon, it will be outlawed.

Elana: Made of win. Heh. Love that phrase!

Scillius: Yep. It's all your fault. Snarfy snarf.

Kristy: I'll probably do more of it next week. Don't want people to OD on it. :)

Keri Mikulski said...

As I expected, great stuff!!! :)

Kiersten White said...

Sorry. I can't help myself--you just inspire me! Any more good ideas will be emailed directly.

Shutting up.

Tara Maya said...

:D :D :D :D :D

Tara Maya said...

:D :D :D :D :D

toooooo funny!

Mariah Irvin said...

I'm hooked! What will Cob become next?

Sparkle sparkle sparkle (blearily).

Unknown said...

sparkle sparkle sparkle


Ray Veen said...

Yes. Belittle it more, Carrie. Twilight deserves our uninterrupted scorn.

Leon1234 said...

Hey, how are you doing today? Hope all is well.