Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Worst Pickup Line Ever

Yesterday, when I got into the hot tub after my workout, one of the guys looked up at me and said, "Mmmm. It's like dessert, isn't it?" He even licked his lips.

And I said, "Huh?!?" Because that's what I do when people play the pronoun game with me. Either that, or I shout something like: "Use nouns, people! Your pronoun is floating out there without a noun in sight. Unless you want me to choose my own noun, in which case I choose Batman eyebrows, and now I think you're weird, because who in their right mind would compare Batman eyebrows to a dessert?"

But I restrained myself in this case and limited myself to "huh?!?"

He replied that the hot tub was like dessert, and then he licked his lips again. And I was tempted to remind him that drinking the water wasn't really a good idea, but he'd solidified his doom with the repeated lick lippery, so I didn't. I just nodded and sat as far away from him as possible.

Sadly enough, this doesn't even approach the worst pickup line I have ever heard.

Picture this: Bestfriend and I went out dancing. This was way back in the pre-kid days, when we'd go dancing once a week, every week, without fail. And yeah, sometimes we'd dress up as Spice Girls, but not this night. Anyway, Bestfriend started dancing with what seemed like a nice guy but turned out later to be a complete freak. But at the time, he was nice, so I was pleased for her and backed off to give them a little space to get to know each other.

It's never a good idea to dance by yourself. I know this now and knew it then but I am all about sacrificing for my friends.

This really big guy came up to me. Actually, that sentence doesn't do it justice. A really HORKING big guy came up to me, deliberately giving me the up and down look. Either he was imagining me naked or he was trying to memorize my dance moves. And then he said it.

"Damn, girl. Your booty moves make me want to f--- a bunny."

Wow. There are so many snarky comments I could make (and have made) about that line. But I think I'll just let it speak for itself.

And no, it did not work on me. Just in case you were curious.


Jamie Eyberg said...

I think I'd quit going to the gym.

Aaron Polson said...

...or find a new gym that doesn't let crazy people join.

Angela said...

I can think of a lot of great replies to the second line.

But why is it that people say the craziest things to strangers????

Bryan B. said...

All I can say is What. The. Hell.

Hanna Banana said...

I'd have responded with "Guess you'll just have to wait until Easter then, won't ya"

Michelle D. Argyle said...


Dessert and bunnies.

I'm completely mystified.

I'm afraid for your safety at the gym, by the way.

C.R. Evers said...

ewwwww! Those lines give me the willies! ugghh!

Vikki said... Just no.

Chlorinated foamy pee-pee ridden water is like dessert?

What the hell kind of gym is this, Carrie???

I, too, fear for your safety. I suggest bringing a ninja with you from now on.

Cate Gardner said...

I think I might start going to the gym just for a laugh. :)

Kelly Polark said...

Eeewwwwww on both accounts.
Okay, maybe, maybe the second buy meant Playboy bunny, but I think he was thinking along the lines of Jessica Rabbit....

Elizabeth said...

What you didn't live happily ever after??? What went wrong?
My hubby's pick up line was to chicken out last minute and walk away. I made him nervous I think, maybe it was my lip licking and telling him it was like dessert.

Carrie Harris said...

Jamie: It IS a good excuse, isn't it?

Aaron: I didn't realize I needed a No Crazies clause in the contract. My bad.

Angela: Yeah, me too. I just wish I would have thought of them THEN. Because I just laughed.

Bryan: I second your WTH and raise you a WTF.

Hanna: Now that's a good one I didn't think of!

Glamis: That's okay. My trainer is a ninja. Literally. She could kick their bahooties.

Christy: Yeah, kinda makes you want to shower, doesn't it?

Vivi: Well, like I was telling Glamis, my trainer is a ninja. So I think I'm set.

Cate: Just don't laugh when you're doing abs. I can say from experience that this is a bad idea.

Kelly: Oh yeah. I'm not bad; I'm just drawn that way. ;)

Elizabeth: Hey, the line had to work on somebody. Heh.

Fox Lee said...

The bunny would explode.

Brenda said...

Everytime I went to the gym, there was never anything interesting going on...I think I would go to the gym more if I went to your gym...I mean, heck I would go just to see what else could happen...grin...

K.C. Shaw said...

I got a "Mmm, red is your color," the other day by some random guy at a Weigel's where I stopped to get gas. Yes, I was wearing a red shirt, so at least the line made sense.

At least no bunnies were harmed (or, you know, anything else) with that one, though.

Sherrie Petersen said...

Ok. You meet some of the strangest people! A bunny? Really? How would that be a turn on? What a lunatic!

As for the hot tub guy, I think I would have just left :)

And yeah, your gym sounds kinda dangerous!

Ray Veen said...

Wow, that bunny line seems to be really unpopular. I am SO crossing it off my list.

Lina said...

Ahh and I thought I was the only person that attracted verdos! Suddenly I feel quite cheerful! :-)

Mary Witzl said...

Sometimes you hear such daft things from people that by far your best option is to let whatever it was they said hang in the air. On rare occasions, the offender will actually see the silliness himself and feel ashamed. But I would have had a tough time not responding to that bunny thing... Hanna Banana beat me to it.

Mary Witzl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carrie Harris said...

Natalie: Ouch. That would really hurt the bunny-effer.

Brenda: That's it! I should rent myself out to gym goers as their in-gym entertainment. I could pay for my membership that way. Anyone want to partake? ;)

KC: Yeah, but the mmmm really ruins what could actually be a nice compliment, doesn't it?

Sherrie: Yeah, I do. And then I remember them vividly, which is a good thing for this blog.

BPV: I'm happy to consult on any other lines. It's all a part of my community service. :)

Lina: Yeah, it's nice to know you're not alone, isn't it? Heh.

Mary W: You know, the sheer ridiculousness actually made me almost speechless. I laughed, and I called over Bestfriend and the dancing boy and made them listen to it, and then we all laughed. And I said something not-witty like: "You've got to be kidding." I've come up with so many better responses since then.

sruble said...

I knew there was a reason I didn't like hot tubs or going clubbing. Just didn't realize there were other, better reasons to stay away from those two things.