(Quick tangent: Every time I see a sentence ending in the word "kids," it makes me think of this comedy bit called 'Fun with Punctuation.' My favorite one is, "It's time to eat, kids!" versus "It's time to eat kids!"
Yeah, guess you had to be there.)
Anyway, here's the contest stuff. This is a Snarfy Subtitle Contest, which you would already know if you'd bothered to read the title of this entry. The point of the contest is to come up with a silly subtitle for an already published book. A couple of examples:
Pride and Prejudice: How Darcy Learned Not to Be a Big Boobiehead
War and Peace: The Reason the Rainforests are Disappearing
And so on. I'm not going to do too many, because then I'll steal all the good ideas.
Post them in the comments of this entry only. This puppy will be open until Thursday March 12th at noon EST. Winners will be posted Friday, and by 'winner' I mean the person that makes me laugh the hardest. If there's a duplicate and I love it, the winner will be the person who posted it first.
So what do you win? The prize, as with the BRAINS contest in December, is a $25 gift card to the book vendor of your choice (Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Borders), and a Wonder That Is My Blog prize pack. You can see what was in the last one by visiting BRAINS contest winner Susan Sandmore. Note that the contents of the prize pack aren't going to be exactly the same every time, but consider this a representative sample. Really, it's just a bunch of things that fall into the category of Things That Make Me Snarf.
We're also going to have a mystery bonus prize this time. Mention and link to this contest in your blog and send me an email saying that you did so. I'll enter you in the bonus prize drawing, which is totally random. And mysterious. Terribly mysterious.
Any questions about the contest? Post 'em in the comments or drop me an email. Email makes me feel like I'm popular. Or something.
UPDATE: Yes, multiple entries are allowed. Encouraged, even.
Lord of the Flies: Boyscouts Gone Bad
Lolita: Dude, What are you thinking!
Frankenstein: Spare parts and Bad Brains
Charlotte's Web: How To Get Free Advertisements
Wheel of Time series: Separating REAL nerds from the wannabees since 1990.
Twilight: Borderline Abusive Relationships Are Sexy Again
Necronomicon Ex-Mortis: Do Not Read This Aloud (but we know you will)
Okay, so maybe its not REALLY an already published book but I thought it was funny. :)
Persuasion: Like Pride and Prejudice, but Boring
Shakespeare: You Don't Actually Like It, but Feel Like an English Major Failure if You Admit That
The Book Thief: Read It and Weep
Harry Potter and the Ridiculously Wealthy Scottish Woman
The Golden Compass: What do you MEAN I bought my child a book that teaches God and religion are lies?!?
To Kill a Mockingbird: NOT an Instructional Manual
Really, stop me at any time, because this is fun...I suppose I should have emailed you and asked if multiple entries were permitted?
Uh oh. I'm already cracking up here. And yes, multiple entries are not only allowed; they're encouraged!
Moby Dick: The Biggest Sleeping Pill Known to Man
Animal Farm: Not to Be Confused with Charlotte's Web
The Scarlet Letter: The "A" is NOT for Awesome
Emma: Like an Old-Fashioned Clueless in Book Format!
I could (and probably will) do this all day...
Jane Eyre: Ugly People CAN Fall In Love, They Just Have To Go Blind First
Breaking Dawn: How Not to End a Series
The Odyssey: A Layover in Ancient Greece
The Count of Monte Cristo: My Name is Edmond Dontes. You put me in jail. Prepare to die.
The Maximum Ride Series: Four books, just to tell you that littering is bad.
Robinson Crusoe: "Seriously? Seriously? I landed on THE ONLY island in the Pacific with NO hot native girls? I mean natives..."
Gone With The Wind: NOT a book about flatulence.
Lady Chatterly's Lover: A reference guide on how NOT to be a Lady
The Shining: Go Crazy or Die Trying
Playboy: really, we have articles (I know it isn't a book)
Beowulf: Read this or I'll rip your arms off and beat you to death with them
Pride and Prejudice: Sense and Sensibility--with even more sisters
Beloved: Dead Baby Throws Tantrums, Terrorizes Younger Sister
Gossip Girl: Girls Think About Sex More Than Boys
Jane Eyre: Ugly Girl+Blind Man=Match Made in Heaven
~Hannah (from Verla Kay's)
The Story of "O": Not just a letter in the alphabet folks
Amityville Horror: There's no place like home.
"Who Moved My Cheese?"
"My lactose intolerance is my own business. Hand back the gouda!"
Super Fudge: Not to be taken orally
The Neverending Story: Nothing tries to end it.
Finnegan's Wake: If You Can Read This, You're Lying
Ethan Frome: No Really, It's All About A Pickle Jar
The Old Man and the Sea: MarlinFail
Just flown in from Natalie's — and my, this looks fun.
Dracula — Yet another vampire novel.
Tess Of The D'Urbervilles — An uplifting tale of hope and passion set against a backdrop of cloying mud and abject cruelty.
Robinson Crusoe — Have beard, will unravel.
Ben Hur — Yes, that's my real name, yes, it looks like a skirt, now get outta my way before I trample you to death.
The Lord Of The Rings — Lose your friends, become a walking dungeons and dragons encyclopaedia, transcend the need to wash.
Jane Eyre: Because Love Fixes Everything, Even Blindness
Moby Dick: Don't Bother.
King Lear: A Lesson in Stupidity
The Collected Works of William Faulkner: Filled With Sexual Undertones, If You're A Pervert
Cluck: Murder Most Fowl-- Eat more chicken
Cell: Cell phones really can be the death of you.
Lord of the Rings: Not a Treatise on Gay Marriage
Stranger In a Strange Land: The Martian Guide to Picking Up Women
Morte D'Arthur: The First Medieval Soap Opera (Sex-Magic Swords-Infidelity-Wizards-More Sex)
The Lion, The Witch,& The Wardrobe: Don't Take Turkish Delight (candy) From Strangers -- Or -- A Love Triangle Gone Bad
The Graveyard Book: Kinda Like The Jungle Book...But Creepier
1984: So I Missed by a Few Decades
Carrie or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Prom
How to Win Friends and Influence People: A Guide to Phoniness
Kiersten, your, "The Scarlet Letter: The "A" is NOT for Awesome," made me laugh out loud!
You get my vote. (As if it counts!)
The Secret: How to play the Jedi mind trick on the universe and get a bunch of free stuff
Lolita: We highly recommend spraying disinfectant in your eyes every four pages
The Count of Monte Cristo: Would Have Been Easier if Edmund Just Hired a Ninja
How about Jane Eyre: Why you should purchase fire insurance, because you never know if your husband has an insane wife locked in the attic.
Charlotte's Web: A Touching Story Wherein Charlotte Saves Wilbur's Bacon
Dracula: Love Bites
Anna Karenina: A tangled love story about how trains symbolize suicide.
War and Peace: You think by now people would've learned not to invade Russia in the winter.
(Yes, I've been reading too much Tolstoy.)
Romeo and Juliet: How to make sure she's really dead before you off yourself. (0kay, it's actually a play)
A Tale of Two Cities: Old women who knit are out to get you.
Let me do some more brainstorming...
40-Year Old Virgin: Why bother
Do stories count? If so:
Jack and the Beanstalk: Greedy kid exploits giant interested in a generous cultural exchange.
Chicken Little: Logically under enhanced chicken causes riot.
Goldilocks: Melanin-impoverished young woman invades anthropomorphic bear cottage.
Rumpelstiltskin: Vertically challenged man steals children for funsies.
The Emperor's New Clothes: Emperor endorses clothing optional lifestyle.
Little Red Riding Hood: Wolf makes sexist remarks to young girl traveling to salute her wise and nurturing matriarch.
Of Mice And Men - by John Orkin. This didn't become a hit until Orkin left the family business & changed his name to Steinbeck.
Betcha didn't know that.
Catcher in the Rye: Congratulations, you're a phony!
Catcher in the Rye: Underlying message is NOT go kill John Lennon
Atonement: None of the redeeming stuff actually happens.
Atonement: The Only Book to Overuse the Phrase "Parallelograms of Light."
Atonement: Sorry, James McAvoy is only in the movie version.
The Fountainhead: Your Friends Will Never Want to Talk Political Philosophy with You Again
Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell: Like Austen. Only Without Romance and Balls, and With Magic and Grumpy Men who Practice It. Also, Fairies.
The Hunger Games: Here's a Hint--Monopoly Isn't One
These are SO funny!
Misery:If you are my biggest fan, skip this one.
Christine: Crazy ass car and crazy ass ex-girlfriend of my husband (Okay, only I will think this one if funny ;)sidenote: but don't mention it on my blog, because she secretly reads my blog...)
The Giving Tree: How to be an enabler of your child...
(I feel bad writing that because I LOVE that book...)
Breaking Dawn: Awkward, Average, Clutsy Humans Make Dazzling, Gorgeous, Graceful Vampires...Does That Mean Edward Was A GEEK When He Was Alive?
ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND: A tale of mushrooming problems.
THE GIVER: Historian El Suprimo
GOLDFINGER: Biography of a spy posing as a proctologist.
(And yes I did read all the James Bond novels a long, long time ago)
The Hunger Games: High Stakes On Steroids, Plus Hungry People
What to Expect When You're Expecting: If you don't know how this ends, why did you get pregnant?
A Midsummer Night's Dream : A Girl And A Donkey - A Love Story
I know, you were wondering where I was today.
Agnes Grey: There's a Reason the Other Bronte Sisters are More Famous than Anne
Great Expectations: Lower Yours, It's not that Good
Macbeth: Or, Why You Should Never Listen to Your Wife
The Old Testament: Not as fun as Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat would have you believe
New Moon: Psychotic Co-Dependence Is the Basis for True Romance
Eragon: Every Fantasy Cliche Under the Sun, But with a Plot Stolen from Star Wars!
Treasure Island: Contains No Muppets
Waiting for Godot: Don't worry, no one else gets it, either
Feel free to cut me off at any time, Carrie. Clearly I am very good at procrastinating all of those things I *should* be doing.
This is way more important.
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: These jeans REALLY get around!
Uglies: If we keep making bad decisions now, we'll all get face-lifts in the future!
So my girl woke me up at 4 a.m. and I couldn't get back to sleep ...
Guess How Much I Love You : SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!!!
Good Night Moon : If I have to read this book one more friggin' time ...
Breaking Dawn : What the hell???
(Can you tell that I am not amused at being woken up at such an ungodly hour?)
Waiting For Godot - The Writer's Essential Guide On Waiting To Hear Back from A Literary Agent
Oy ... I need to get some sleep!
Twilight: The Vampire Bites Back
Lord of the Flies: You Catch the Most Flies with Bacon
Jurassic Park: Hometown Buffet for Dinosaurs
A Wrinkle in Time: Brainy Kid Gets the IT Kicked Out of Him
The Water Method Man: A Urinary Tract as Metaphor for Life.
Watership Down: Bet You Can't Say Efrafra Three Times Fast Without Laughing
The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse: The First Novel to Feature a Post-Mortem Erection. I'm Not Kidding.
Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care: Now featuring a hilarious Captain Kirk cameo!
Babywise: The Miracle Guide to Getting Your Babies to Sleep, Unless Your Name Is Kiersten, in which case, HA! You're screwed no matter what you do!
My Sister's Keeper: Sharing With Your Siblings Never Sucked So Bad
Sorry. Next time you'll rethink that multiple entries rule. Or exclude incredibly bored stay-at-home moms.
Okay, couldn't resist. One last one, and then you can ban me forever.
Twilight: Edward Never Sucks
The Lord of the Files — Obsessive administrator commits typo and hangs himself with a noose of sticky notes.
On The Toad — Never lose a wheel between willows.
Schindler's Lost — Cunningly clever mazes for when no Sudoku is tough enough.
The Watcher in the Rye — Join Harry the Flame Moth Larva for another scintillating afternoon of combine harvester spotting.
1974 — Gene Simmons reminisces about the early days of KISS.
Brave New Wold — All your favourites from Watership Down, reanimated as zombie bunnies.
I had to get a few in by the deadline!
Hop On Pop - A guide to mating rituals in West Virginia
How to Eat Fried Worms - A bachelor's guide to low-cost cuisine
Sherlock Holmes - Fonally, some productivity and not-completely-random ramblings from a habitual drug abuser.
Fox in Socks: One very long tongue twister, no need to say it five times fast.
You thought I was going to sneak another one in, didn't you?
Ha ha, Kiersten. :)
Entries are officially closed. However, if you're crazy enough to post after entries are closed, I'll still laugh.
I know it's closed, but I want to play too!
Cinderella: A woman with freakishly small feet finds true love after head to toe makeover.
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